Hit In the USA
by Emerald8
Summary: The LilyMu uncut DVD's have finally been released in America, and the success of the series prompts Ozu to book the cast to various anime convention hosted in the country. A continent spanning adventure for the ages ensues. Old and badly written; maybe still some good jokes in it though.
1. Saturday Goodbye

Kappa Mikey:

**Kappa Mikey:**

Hit In The USA

"Saturday Good-bye"

By Emerald

"LilyMu!"

The Kappa motorcycle screeched across the highway, in heated pursuit of the nefarious Gonard. The blue haired villain was attempting to escape on the back of a sheep, and doing surprisingly well. He kicked the sheep with his cowboy heels and it immediately sped up, leaving Mikey in the dust.

"Oh no you don't! You won't get to that airport if I can help it!" Kappa Mikey said, the camera zooming in on his face as he rode inside the armored cycle. He retracted the metal hood off his ride so he could see, as well as breathe. Keeping one hand on the handle bars, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the Kappa Fishing Rod! The show had really been at a loss for new weapon ideas.

Swinging carefully, Mikey hooked onto the rear end of the poor farm animal, which screamed in surprise and probably cost the show thousands of yen in animal cruelty charges. The animal abusing hero secured the fishing pole to his motorcycle, which he left running, and then began to walk across the tightrope he had created.

"Nice try, Kappa Mikey! But my new high-tech invention will stop you from using this trick!" Gonard roared, hurting his vocal cords in the process. Then he reached into his wild mess of hair and pulled out a pair of scissors, which he then used to cut the fishing line. Mikey hit the street at fifty miles an hour and was severely damaged; or at least, that was what it would look like to the viewers.

Mikey stood up shakily, holding his bleeding right arm. The LilyMu Hover Jet passed overhead, and Mitsuki, Guano, and Lily landed next to their defeated companion. They all looked genuinely worried for their friend, which was really hard for Lily to pull off.

"Mikey, are you okay?!" Lily squeaked, trying to suppress her gag reflex as she said so. Mikey shook his head sadly.

"I'm fine. But…I let Gonard get away. I'm sorry." He said, trying to avoid looking any of them in the eyes. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around.

"Don't worry, Mikey. We'll get him next time!" The ever tough Mitsuki said, trying to sound commanding despite her actually meek manner.

"Guano Guano!" Guano said, just so people wouldn't forget that he was part of the show too.

"Right. He won't know what hit him!" Kappa Mikey said, his spirits rising again. The camera zoomed out to put all of the characters in the shot as the LilyMu theme music came to an end.

"Cut!" Guano said happily, and the filming crew turned off their machines and began to pack up immediately. They were trying to set a world record for fastest clean up time, but kept being beat that nature show that was filmed by turtles with camera's on their backs.

"OMG, I can't believe we actually finished a whole episode without Mikey ruining everything." Lily said, but it wasn't necessarily a complement. Now the cast would have the rest of the weekend to do whatever they wanted.

"Yeah, everything turned out right for once!" Gonard said, taking a grenade out of his pocket, pulling the key, and throwing it at the main camera.

"Noooo!" Guano screamed, jumping high in the air and catching the explosive like a baseball. He fell to the floor with it cupped in his hands, and gave a sigh of relief. The grenade then blew up, blasting him off of his feet and into the air. Ozu walked into the room.

"How is everyone doing?" Ozu asked, holding his hands as if to physically receive the information. One second later, a very much on fire Guano fell in his hands, and was promptly dropped in pain.

"Great news, Ozu. We actually finished the episode on the first take!" Mitsuki said as she picked up their director with a giant pair of tweezers so she wouldn't get burnt.

"Good, good. But I have even greater news!" Ozu said as the cast stomped on Guano to put out the fire.

"THE GREATEST NEWS SINCE COFFEE!" Yes-man shouted as he appeared from his hiding place behind Ozu's back, holding up a steaming cup of joe.

"Ooh, am I finally going to get that box full of nuclear weapons I asked for?!" Mikey asked expectantly, already imagining the countries he would take over. First on his list: Quebekistan.

"No." Ozu deadpanned, shooting down Mikey's burst of excitement. "But you are all going on a trip to America, the birthplace of the nuclear weapon!"

"DON'T BOMB US AGAIN, AMERICA!" Yes-man pleaded on his knees, in a not so subtle illusion to World War 2. The cast was stunned by the news, as well as by Yes-man's politically incorrect joke.

"Why are we going to the U.S.?" Guano asked, wet from dousing himself in water to put out the fire on his costume. "Didn't 'Go go Guano' get knocked off the air by that group of teachers who thought the show promoted witchcraft?"

"Yes, but that is beside the point. Because now the un-cut LilyMu DVDs have finally shipped there, and they are already best sellers." Ozu said smugly, and then waited for Yes-man to add his comment. When he did not, Ozu snapped his fingers.

"WE'RE A HIT IN AMERICA!" Yes-man screamed, holding up a sales figure chart that he had literally pulled out of his ass. Then he looked at his boss for approval, which he did not receive.

"Where in America will we be going?" Mikey asked, hoping it would be someplace close to his parents so he could visit them.

"You will be going to anime conventions all across the country, starting with Florida." Ozu replied, to unanimous cheering from the cast.

"THE SUNSHINE STATE!" shrieked Yes-man, wearing a huge pair of sunglasses, tiny beach thong, and holding up a margarita. The cast members immediately began planning all the fun they would have.

"I'm going to sunbath twenty four hours a day!" Lily said, accompanied by the sound effect of a hamburger on the grill.

"I'm going make a sandwich out of actual sand! And then I'm going to eat it!" Gonard squealed, and a large chomping noise could be heard.

"I'm going to drive Gonard to the emergency room, apparently." Mitsuki sweat dropped, and an emergency siren blared.

"And I'm going to go have a talk with whoever keeps messing with the soundboard!" Guano said, looking up and seeing Yoshi getting ready to pull the 'beat-down' sound effect switch. The cameraman/sound director saw that he had been spotted and tried to blend into his environment by standing completely still.

"Where did he go? It's like he just disappeared!" Gonard exclaimed, looking straight at Yoshi and not seeing him.

"Enough of this foolishness. You must get ready, because your plane leaves in 15 minutes!" Ozu said, and the Japanese cast member's eyes grew too big for their heads. Mikey tried to imitate them, but only succeeded in crossing his eyes until they bled.

"OH, THE DRAMA!" Yes-man interjected, holding up a stop-watch Gonard had given him. He pressed the button on top and the prank toy immediately sprayed him in the face with extract of poison ivy.

"Why didn't you tell us earlier so we would have had more time to pack?!" Mitsuki asked, as the rest of the cast laughed as the yes-man scratched his inflamed face with sandpaper.

"Because it amuses me to see you all running around like little ants." Ozu said, to the anger of the cast.

"CRAWL BEFORE YOU'RE MASTER!" Yes-man said, but no one could understand him because his head was so swollen.

"We need to hurry and get to that airport." Mikey said, trying to take charge of the situation. "Gonard, you're in charge of bringing snacks. Guano will need to put in one of those animal crates. Mitsuki will carry all of our bags, Lily will be the hot stewardess, and I'll fly the plane!"

The predictable stunned silence followed, and Yoshi turned on the 'gust-of-wind' sound effect. Then Guano hit him in the head with a brick.

"You now have ten minutes left." Ozu said, smiling as he did. Yes-man held up all of his fingers, because he was now in too much pain to talk. But he held up his ten fingers VERY LOUDLY, so the cast got the message.

"There's no way time could have passed that fast!" Guano said, now that the deafening wind sound effects had been cut off.

"Five minutes left!" Ozu shouted, and the cast panicked and ran into one of elevators. The lift cables, which had been reconstructed with toothpicks and glue just the week before, snapped. They plummeted to the first floor in five seconds, and luckily no one was hurt. Except Guano.

"Man down, man down!" Guano screamed from underneath the collapsed roof of the elevator. Leaving their director behind, the rest of the cast ran for LilyMu towers to get their stuff ready. Everyone got their clothes together as well as a few additional items. Mikey got his handheld videogames, Lily got her beauty supplies, Mitsuki got her Mr. Featherbottom, and Gonard put all of the individual parts of a sandwich in his suit case, without putting them in separate bags first.

"Okay, we're all packed and ready." Mikey said as they whole cast met back at the elevator. Only one minute had passed, and even Viewtiful Joe would have been impressed with their speed. In fact, he was. From outside the LilyMu studio, he gave them a thumbs up as he walked past. Then we went to save to world or something.

"I'm not ready yet!" Guano said, holding himself up on a cane an elderly gentleman had given him.

"Don't worry, Guano. I can share my suitcase with you!" Gonard said, lifting up his briefcase that was dripping condiments. As he said this, Ozu came out of the other elevator.

"Congratulations on getting ready so fast. You have now beat that team of camera wearing turtles in the category of fastest packing." He said, checking off another box on a list of goals LilyMu needed to beat the turtles at. Yes-man couldn't say anything, because he was too busy trying to get his head out the door.

"No time talk, plane leave four minutes!" Guano said, limping on his crutches toward towards the door. Then he tripped on a discarded french-fry and fell on his face.

"Actually, I may have exaggerated your time frame a tiny bit." Ozu said mischievously, and he grew a cat mouth that was very disturbing to look at.

"How much time do we actually have?" Lily asked angrily, preparing to attack her boss with a hair dryer.

"Somewhere in the range of… one hour." Ozu said, and then he ran like away like a school boy on crack. Lily took out her ironing board, which she had somehow managed to fit in her suitcase, and prepared to chase the unusually fast old man. She felt a halting hand on her shoulder.

"We don't have time for this Lily; one hour still isn't much time. Now hand over the ironing board." Mitsuki said, acting like a police negotiator. Lily hugged her weapon of choice and refused to give it up. Her friend looked at her sternly. "C'mon, hand it over nice and gently."

"Jump, jump!" Gonard yelled, thinking it was a suicide negotiation. Lily gave her bludgeoning device to Mitsuki, and everyone in the building cheered, even if they didn't know what they were cheering about.

"Okay, we have more time but that doesn't mean we can waste any of it. We have all we need, so we should drive to the airport right now." Mitsuki said, to the agreement of almost everyone present.

"I still don't have anything!" Guano shouted, but he was ignored by the others as they walked out the double doors. He attempted to hobble after them, and tripped on a discarded napkin. Guano growled and looked over his should to see a man eating fast food and throwing trash all over the floor.

"Alright, now we just need to call Grandma Racer." Mikey said, referring to the LilyMu crew's personal driver. Amid the sounds of Guano's furious battle with the litterbug, he took out a small cell-phone like object and pressed a shiny red button. The T-bird driven by Grandma arrived in two seconds flat, but Mikey pressed the button a few more times just because he liked shiny red buttons.

"Where to?" Grandma Racer asked as everyone, including Guano, piled into the huge race car.

"To the airport!" they unanimously shouted. Grandma's eyes glinted as she put the T-bird into gear and punched the accelerator furiously. The car sped off.

Outside the window, the LilyMu cast watched as a snail passed them by.

"We are not doing this joke again!" Lily shouted, scaring their driver into speeding up.

"But its funny!" the one-joke character protested, not realizing why they didn't call her to take them places more often. The cast sighed as they drove off towards the airport.

--

Authors Note: Sequel is go! I had the idea for this story while I was still writing Snarkymen Fever, and now it too is coming out in fan fiction form. As far as I know, this idea hasn't been done in any other Kappa Mikey fan fiction, but if it has, then I can assure you my take on the experience will be completely different from anyone else's.

This story will be different from Snarkymen in many ways. First off, the rating is going up. This gives me a much broader range of jokes to make, and I'll do my best to offend and make you laugh. After all, the cast is going to America. It only makes since to make fun of the country's pitfalls.

Another way in which this story differs is that it will not be set up like the show. Think of it more as a movie than an episode. All in all, this story should be much longer than Snarkymen and have many small plots. Once again, this gives me more creative freedom as a writer to write the jokes I want to write.

Finally, I promise to keep this story on a semi-regular schedule. That means I will have a new chapter done each week. Hopefully, this will keep people interested in the story so that they don't forget it exists.

Alright, I've talked too much. Please read and review. If you haven't read all of Snarkymen Fever yet, do so now. Spay and neuter your pets. And so on.

Long live America! Read and review!


	2. Just A Roundabout Way

Kappa Mikey:

**Kappa Mikey:**

Hit In The USA

"Just A Roundabout Way"

By Emerald

"Alright, we're here!" Grandma Racer yelled triumphantly, as if driving twenty miles was such an accomplishment. The cast quickly exited the car and breathed the fresh air; the inside of the T-bird had smelled of burnt lottery tickets and decaying skin.

"Thank God." Lily said as she dragged out her suitcase and carry-on, which were both impressively small for a female.

"Don't thank God; thank me!" Racer said, pointing at her wrinkled, smiling face. The group took a collective step back from the unsettling sight. Guano almost threw up.

"Uh, yeah sure. Goodbye now." Lily said, waving as fast as she could in the hopes that it would make their driver leave faster. All that did was hurt her wrist, unfortunately.

"Actually, I don't have anywhere to be for the next two hours, so I thought I'd escort you to your flight." Grandma said, and started to unlock her car door. Lily needed to think of a plan to get the old coot away from them, and fast.

"Oh, uh… you don't have time to follow us. You're… car is being stolen!" Lily lied through her teeth. The cast gave the anime heroine a quizzical glance.

"I'm in the car right now. I don't see anyone trying to bust in." she replied, turning around and looking at all of the doors just to make sure. Besides a random raccoon, the T-bird was clean. Lily jabbed Gonard in the chest, and the blue haired man jumped into action.

"I AM STEALING YOUR CAR!" Gonard yelled as he violently slammed into the door. Grandma Racer screamed bloody murder, and the race car took off.

"Hooray!" Mikey and Guano shouted in unison, and Lily laughed evilly. Gonard waved at the disappearing car as if nothing had happened. Mitsuki tried not to look as happy as the rest off them, though she was secretly delighted as well. That stray animal had been making inappropriate passes at her throughout the entire car ride.

"That wasn't very nice you guys. In Japan, you're supposed to respect your elders." Mitsuki said hypocritically. Mikey scoffed, but only because he was choking on an acorn that the raccoon had given him.

"Okay, it's time to get to our flight so let's pick up the pace." Guano said, limping across the parking lot with his walking stick. He collapsed after walking ten feet. "Please carry me."

--

"It's been awhile since I've been in this airport. Seems like I was just arrived in Japan yesterday." Mikey said as he gazed at the inside of the airport, Guano held in his arms like a baby.

"It seems like the longest three years of my life." Lily crossed her arms angrily. Indeed, three seasons had already gone by with the 'spazz' in the group. She hated to admit it, but the show had been getting better ratings ever since. Now the show was a hit in America, all thanks to that showboating Mikey Simon.

"You must be excited, huh Mikey?" Mitsuki asked from behind the stack of suitcases they had given her to carry.

"Yeah. Florida and all those other places will be nice, but I can't wait to go to Cleveland and see my parents again. I haven't talked to them in years!" Mikey said as he led the group towards the line for their flight. They had their tickets out and ready, and handed them to the employee monitoring the line.

"Okay, now before I let you come into America, I need to ask you a few questions." The American security guard said as he looked at their tickets and handed them back. "Are any of you now, or have been, Muslims?"

"Well, I never!" a random Shiite man said from the next line over, taking offense at the insult.

"Sorry, sorry. I meant Muslim _extremists_." The racist American said with a disarming smile.

"Damn straight." The indignant man bobbed his head and continued to move forward in the line. The security guard took out a walkie-talkie and flipped a switch.

"Suspected Muslim in sector 12. Take him out." The man whispered into the device.

"Screw off, you racist flea-bag." came the reply from the sniper on the other end.

"Damn it, Carl!" the guard said yelled. He quickly put away his communiqué, looked at the group in front of him, and laughed as if he hadn't said anything. When the LilyMu crew continued to look at him suspiciously, he grew nervous.

"Uh, you're all free to go along. Have a nice flight." He said as opened the gate to let them pass. The group continued their trek through to the airplane.

"Aren't American's nice? He didn't even make us answer any questions." The oblivious Mikey Simon said. Behind them, they could still hear the racist man arguing with Carl the sniper.

"Uh, yeah. Whatever you say." Mitsuki said as tension line crossed her face.

"Look, there's our flight!" Gonard said, pointing off to the right. The cast turned their heads to look.

"Uhmm, Gonard? That's the restroom." Guano sweat-dropped. He had healed enough to walk now, but he felt secure in Mikey's arms.

"And besides, we still haven't even gotten our bags checked in yet." Mitsuki replied, her arms about ready to give out from the strain. As if on queue, they reached the bag check lane. The blue haired woman dumped the luggage on the conveyor belt and wheezed loudly.

"Welcome to the bag-scanning checkpoint!" the same security guard from immediately before said. They all looked back at the ticket line they had just come from, and he was still there. When they turned around, the guard was in the bag check lane again. The American smiled innocently. "I was all-American in track and field during high school."

The X-ray machine scanned the bags, and the guard watched as the insides of the cases were disclosed. Mikey's bag was full of clothes and his own Kappa Mikey memorabilia, which he had brought to show his folks. The bag belonging to Gonard was next, and the inside was coated with so much ketchup, mustard, and cheese that even the machine could not see anything. Mitsuki's bag followed, and contained her clothes as well as Mr. Featherbottom.

"Oh my God, the purple kid's brother is stuffed in there!" The security guard yelled, to Guano's embarrassment.

"No, that one is just a stuffed animal." Mitsuki said as Guano flicked off the stupid American. The guard gave a sigh of relief, and then he started up the conveyer belt again. Lily's suitcase and carry-on bag were last. The suitcase was filled with clothes, beauty products, and semi-automatic weapons. The carry-on contained a rocket-launcher and assorted ammo.

"Are you sure you're not a Muslim?" the guard asked suspiciously. Lily growled in reply. "Okay then, everything seems to be in order here. Have a nice flight!"

"Thank you, my good sir." Mikey said as he saluted his fellow American. Lily picked up her carry-on/weapons of mass destruction, and the crew was off again, now with nothing to in the way of them reaching their flight. Guano's cell-phone started to ring, and he pulled it out of his pocket. It was Ozu.

"Guano, my son! Where are you?" he asked. Guano didn't understand the question.

"We're still in the airport, about to board our flight." The director replied as Mikey and Gonard snuck off to a bookstore store to look at dirty magazine covers.

"You mean you are not yet on the airplane? But it will be leaving in five minutes!" Ozu said in astonishment as the two boys were kicked out of the store for attempted theft.

"Ha ha, Ozu. I'm not going to fall for that joke again. You said yourself that the flight didn't leave for one hour." Guano replied confidently.

"No. That was a lie too. The flight was actually set to leave in fifty-five minutes." Ozu said, stifling his laughter. His son was about to reply when an intercom announcement shouted out the last boarding call for their flight.

"Ozu!" Guano shouted at his father. In reply, Ozu giggled like a school girl and hung up.

"Why is Ozu acting so weird today?" Mikey asked as Guano dropped his cell-phone in panic and ran around the airport looking for the docking bay. The dropped mobile phone rang once again, and the American answered it this time.

"I BLAME ALL THE CRACK-COCAINE!" Yes-man's voice blared from speaker with enough intensity to make Mikey go temporarily deaf in his right ear.

"How did he-?" Mitsuki began to ask, but she was cut off as Guano ran back to the group and began tugging on Gonard's shirt.

"We have to hurry!" their director huffed and puffed. "Our airplane is over there. Let's go!"

The LilyMu cast raced across the shiny linoleum floor, body-checking anyone in their way. A pair of security guards began to chase them, but Lily took care of them with a few bullets to the shoulders while the others weren't looking. Eventually, after having shot or immobilized half of the airport attendee's, they reached their flight.

"I'm sorry, but we don't allow animals on this flight." A female American flight attendant said as they tried to board their plane.

"But he's not an animal, he's a person!" Mitsuki pleaded. The airplane would leave any second.

"You animal loving hippies make me sick. 'He's not an animal, he's just a tiny person'!" the rude woman mocked. Before Guano could open his mouth and confirm what she had just said, the lady opened her mouth again. "That thing either needs to be put in a crate or hidden in your carry-on luggage."

"He's not going in my bag. All of my… hair drying equipment is in there!" Lily said, holding her carry-on of death behind her.

"But no one else has a small bag but you, Lily!" Mitsuki pleaded, but the evil blonde wouldn't have let Guano in her carrier even if it weren't full of instruments of destruction.

"Alright then; the plane is leaving. See ya." The flight attendant said as she walked through the door and closed it behind her. Guano screamed and began to beat against the door relentlessly until his fists turned purple. Which they already were.

"Hey, I have a carry-on too!" Gonard announced, reaching into his pocket. Everyone looked at him as if he were their savior. Their expressions changed when he held up a Lily-cube.

"You let me keep it as a memento of that botched episode, remember?" he continued, opening up the box. "C'mon, get in."

"There is no way in hell that I will ever get back in one of those containers ever again!" Guano berated the idea. The voice on the intercom came back on.

"The flight to America is now leaving. If you are still outside the airplane door and are arguing over whether or not to put your friend in a small plastic container, please stuff him in the thing already so we can all get on with our lives. Thank you." The voice concluded.

"Alright, alright! I'll get in!" Guano said, scared by the oddly specific pre-recorded message. He hopped into the cube and made himself as tiny as possible before Gonard slammed the lid shut on him.

"We've got him in our carry-on! Let us in!" Lily shouted, her voice penetrating the solid steel door. It opened three seconds later as the discourteous woman frowned at them. They ran passed her and into the plane, Lily stopping only for a second to tazer the bitch and throw her out the hatch.

"Yes! We made it!" the Mitsuki celebrated, and Guano could be heard crying tears of joy from within the Lily-cube. The captain's voice came on over the plane's intercom.

"Thank you for boarding the flight to lovely Canada, eh? We'll be sure and get'cha right where you wanna go." The pilot said cheerily, and he could be heard sipping cocoa.

"Noooo!" Guano shouted, breaking out of his container with super-human strength. His cell-phone rang once again, and he answered it as the rest of the group went to bust down the airplane door.

"Oh Guano. I almost forgot to mention something." Ozu said, "I lied again. Your flight _was_ supposed to leave in one hour. And it was flight number _152_, not 154."

"I'm going to kill you!" Guano roared as his father fell apart with laughter. The director slammed his cell-phone shut as the rest of the cast succeeded in ramming Gonard's head into the door until it fell down. "We've got to get out of here, now!"

The LilyMu crew followed their leader out the broken hatch, the plane taking off down the runway seconds after they stepped off. They raced across the building until they found flight 152, and quickly boarded it.

As they took their seats in the correct plane, they watched as the flight to Canada took off, and all of the people fell out the gaping whole in the side. The plane itself crashed twelve seconds later, sending up a fireball explosion.

"I'd like to say we've made the airport a happier place today." Gonard said innocently, and his cast mates nodded their heads in agreement.

--

Author Notes: Yeah boy; I told you it'd be on time! I actually wrote this chapter the same day as the first, but kept you all waiting just so you'd stay interested. And now, off to the discussion points.

Obviously, I was making fun of the racist American, not the Muslim. Don't send me angry letters; I respect all religions and peoples. Also, from this point on there will be a lot of jokes at America's expense. I've lived in the country all of my life, so I've earned the right to make fun of it, ha ha!

Long live America! Read and review!


	3. Sail On, Hail On

Kappa Mikey:

**Kappa Mikey:**

Hit In The USA

"Sail On, Hail On"

By Emerald

"What a great way to start a trip, huh Lily?" Mikey said as fireworks went up from the exploding Canadian jumbo jet. Lily did her best to quell the homicidal urges gripping her as she sat next to her arch-nemesis. Eventually, she consumed to her dark desires and began to strangle Mikey for no particular reason.

"This is your captain speaking. You may now leave unfasten your seat belt, and stop strangling the annoying person you've been forced to sit next to. Thank you." The voice boomed, and the ten people who were in the midst of strangling someone gave up a cheer. The victims applauded as well when their tormentors left to get better seats.

"Why are you leaving, Lily?" the American asked as the actress left her seat. He had misinterpreted the strangling as some strange Japanese hugging tradition. Lily openly laughed at the foolish boy.

"I'd rather die than sit next to you all day long!" Lily answered as she left and found an empty seat next to the grim reaper.

"Oh, you can't sit there." The reaper said, who preferred to go by the name 'M.C. Death'. "There's a… murderer trying to attack you."

"I don't see any murders around here." She replied, being the only one on the plane who was heavily armed.

"I'M AM GOING TO MURDER YOU!" M.C. Death shouted, scaring Lily out of the seat. The baron of doom gave a sly chuckle as he turned sideways and used the second chair as a footrest.

Lily looked around the cabin. Every other seat was taken by now, but she refused to sit next to Mikey. She saw Mitsuki sitting next to Gonard two rows back, and noticed that her friend was staring at the back of the spazz's head. She also noticed that Gonard was reaching his arm out the window and trying to catch a turkey for his sandwich, but she tried to ignore that.

"Mitsuki, hi! How would you like to trade seats?" Lily asked innocently, as if she wouldn't benefit from the deal as well. Mitsuki's eyes lit up.

"Oh, thank you!" she answered, jumping up from her seat and going over to sit next to her crush. The conniving diva snickered as she took her new seat.

"I got one!" Gonard shouted as he hauled a turkey into the jet. He shoved it into Lily's hands as he grabbed an axe from behind his back. "You hold it down while I chop its head off!"

"Hey Mikey, do you mind if I sit here?" Mitsuki asked as Lily screamed and the turkey flew away.

"Huh? Oh sure, sit down." Mikey answered, glad that someone would sit next to him during the long trip.

"Thank you!" Mitsuki said as she took the seat, Gonard chasing the bird across the cabin with his axe raised high. There were a few moments of silence as the two realized that they didn't actually have anything to talk about. Then the overhead television screens came down automatically.

"Oh thank god; TV! For a second there I thought I'd need to make actual conversation." The American said aloud as he picked a small remote out of the base of the television. Mitsuki took a TV guide from the back of the seat in front of her, and began to look at it. The booklet said that the only stations that would come in where American. "So Mitsuki, what's on tonight?"

"Well right now there's 'Love is Inspiration' on channel 234, 'Love Potion #9' on 178, and 'Be My Wife' on the Affection Network!" Mitsuki read the names of the most lovey-dovey shows she could find. Mikey didn't pay attention to her and flipped through the channels until he landed on-

"Boxing!" Mikey shouted triumphantly, and Mitsuki tried to hide her obvious disappointment. She watched as one of the fighters was hit below the belt intentionally, three times, and the referee had to temporarily stop the fight.

"So this all staged, right? Like that 'Pro Wrestling' game you told me about earlier?" Mitsuki asked as she watched the ref get hit over the head with a chair by an angry fan. The official did not show signs of life.

"No, this is the real deal. These guys punch each other in the head repeatedly, and the winner is the one who inflicts the most brain damage!" the boxing aficionado stated as the furious fighter grabbed his downed opponent by the neck and continued to beat him in the head with his other first.

"That doesn't seem very safe. How is it even a legal sport?" Mitsuki questioned as the show was temporarily taken off of the air for excess violence involving a violin and a flute.

"Are you kidding? It's just as wholesome and American as Apple pie, or loose gun control laws!" he answered as the show came back and the defeated man was carried away in an ambulance.

Meanwhile, Lily was enjoying the time she had by herself while Gonard was busy chasing the stupid bird around the airplane. The hours passed lazily, and it gradually became dark outside. She absentmindedly wondered how the blue haired spazz could have caught a flightless bird by sticking his arm out the window, but then realized it wasn't worth devoting her attention to. Her peace was not to last forever, however.

"Dang it, the turkey escaped down the toilet. That's the third time this week." Gonard said as he sat down angrily, taking his seat by the window once again. "And I was really hungry, too."

"It's not like you could have eaten it raw, dumb-ass." Lily insulted the fool as she absent mindedly cleaned the barrel of her rocket launcher.

"Yes I could have! Cannibalism is a legitimate diet, Lily!" Gonard answered angrily, not paying attention to what words were coming out of his mouth.

"Well, the two of you do have very similar brain sizes; you've got me there." Lily said off-handedly as she noticed that the safety on her weapon was turned off. She was about to turn it one when Gonard swiped it out of her hands.

"Hey, is this a giant burrito?" he said as he looked in the barrel of the loaded weapon. "Where's the beef?"

"Gonard, give me back my… burrito!" Lily screamed, but it was too late. Gonard bit into the armored casing, and the trigger was pulled. A missile shot out of the tube in a flash, heading straight for the front of the pilot. The fierce explosion sent the steel door flying into the cockpit.

"Oh my God, what happened?!" Mitsuki asked as she shot up out of her seat almost as fast as the rocket had. Mikey followed her as she dashed to the front of the plane, while Lily and Gonard brought up the rear.

"Oh crap! There's a flying turkey outside the window!" Mikey shouted in surprise as he looked out the front windowpane of the plane. Then he switched his gaze downward. "Oh yeah, and the pilot is knocked out too."

The pilot was sprawled out on the floor with a concussion, the cockpit door having slammed him in the back of the head. Gonard franticly pressed the emergency button, but the autopilot function had been recently taken out of the plane and replaced with the much needed 'crash as soon as possible' function. The airplane immediately began to nose dive.

"Someone needs to fly the plane!" Lily screamed. Emergency sirens blared like heroic trumpets as Mikey Simon rose to the occasion, jumping into the pilot's seat and wrestling with the controls.

"Alright, I'm going to need some help here. Mitsuki, you're in charge of evacuations. Gonard, scan for enemy fighter ships. Lily, serve these passengers their damn complementary drinks!" the American hero said as he pulled up on the controls hard, and succeeded in leveling the plane for all of three seconds.

"Mikey, do you even know how to fly a plane?" Mitsuki asked as Gonard studied his watch like a radar monitor. The plane swerved left and right, slicing through the heavens like a switchblade wielded by a hobo.

"I've been playing 'Galaga' all my life for this moment! Just help me find the laser cannon button on this thing." Mikey said as he pressed random buttons and made shooting sound effects with his mouth.

"Enemies fighters closing in at 9:35!" Gonard shouted as the hands on his clock ticked away.

"Let Mitsuki fly the plane, stupid! She actually knows how!" Lily screamed as she handed a grateful passenger a can of Dr. Pepper. As Mikey realized that the aircraft didn't have any weapons systems, he handed over the controls to a very grateful Mitsuki.

"Don't worry guys; I was trained in various aircraft during my tourney as a spy. I'll get us to Florida in no time!" the blue haired woman said, put everyone's fears to rest. She expertly pulled the plane out of its death plunge, narrowly evading a sperm whale that jumped out of the ocean to eat them.

"Newsflash!" an announced came over every television in the airplane. "Reports are coming in that the 512 flight to America has been skyjacked! It is suspected that a group of four to five Muslims are responsible for the hijacking."

"I'm not a god-damned Muslim!" Mitsuki shouted at the top of her lungs, startling everyone with her outburst. The passengers began to panic, and were giving out their name and numbers to M.C. Death. Lily took it upon herself to calm them down. She took out a microphone and addressed the crowd.

"Alright people, everything is under control. We are not stealing this plane; we are just taking over for the pilot who was accidentally knocked out. So please remain calm." The blonde announced. There was a moment of silence.

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" the passengers shouted in unison as the grim reaper rubbed his hands together greedily. The actress' face turned red and began to steam.

"Well you know what? You don't have a choice. I put sedatives in your drinks and you're gonna calm down whether you like it or not!" she replied, and the people almost immediately began to fall asleep. Her job done, Lily returned to the others in the cockpit.

"Alright, I've taken care of the whiners." Lily proclaimed. "Where are we going to land this crate, anyway?"

"Look at those lights down there! It must be a runway!" Gonard shouted, pointing to a row of flashing lights down at the peninsula below. They had finally made it to America.

"Okay; I'm bringing her down!" Mitsuki said cheerily as the plane began it's slowly decent back to earth.

--

"I can't believe you crashed into a roller coaster." Gonard said in bewilderment. The LilyMu cast and the passengers were back on the ground now, but the Disney Land technicians were still trying to dislodge the airplane from the wreckage of insert name here.

"I'm sorry everyone. I saw bright lights, and I didn't know what else they would be for." Mitsuki apologized as she hung her head low. Mikey felt bad for her so he put his arm around her shoulder.

"Don't sweat it Mitsuki; it's not your fault. Besides, the important this is that no one got hurt." Mikey comforted his friend. Just then, a short figure began to walk towards them.

"Yeah, no one got hurt. Except anyone who was stuck in a crate!" Guano said, his body criss-crossed with red lines and bruises where he had slammed into his cage during the tumultuous flight. A local news crew was the next to arrive, driving over the director in their van.

"We are at the scene of the recent Orlando plane crash. New details are still emerging, but what we know now is that the accident was caused when the big bad wolf huffed and puffed and blew the cockpit door down. This sent the pilot into a coma from which he has yet to awake, and four brave scarecrows were forced to take control of the runaway plane. I'm a professional douche-bag, and this is Fox 4 news." The reporter said. The entire videotaping only took thirty seconds, and even Guano was impressed by their speed as he watched from underneath the tire. The camera crew and the reporter got back into their vehicle and drove off.

"Well, now what do we do?" Lily asked as Mickey Mouse's ears were set on fire as he tried to help the technicians.

"We should go get a hotel for the night, and then drive to Miami for our first anime convention tomorrow evening." Guano answered, and then he was mistaken for a Disney character and had fifty small children ask him for his autograph.

"Alright then, let's get going." Lily said, and everyone followed her out of the theme park as more and more firefighters drove it to put out the fire that was beginning to start.

"It's too bad we have to leave. I've never been to a theme park before." Mitsuki told Mikey as she looked at all the bright colors and emergency vehicles that surrounded them.

"Really? Well I'll make sure to take you to one while we're in still in America." Mikey said, and an expression of pure happiness crossed over Mitsuki's face. Then there was a loud rumbling as the fire spread to the fuselage of the plane, and debris began to fall all around them as they walked. "Maybe one that's not so explode-y."

--

Authors note: Another chapter on time! This is only happening because I am writing the chapters weeks ahead of schedule. As I write this authors note, the first chapter has yet to be posted online!

The character M.C. Death comes from a humorous comic strip I am currently creating called "Hell-Yeah", which features all sorts of interesting characters. Death's name and occupation was inspired by that fact that reaper rhymes with rapper. Put the two together and… you get the picture. Maybe more of these characters will show up; maybe they will not.

If you haven't noticed by now, I'm a big fan of the Beat Crusaders (the band that did the Kappa Mikey theme song). The idea for this story came from listening to their song 'Hit in the USA', which I named this fan fiction after. Also, every chapter title is the name of another one of their songs. Finally, each television program Mitsuki mentioned is a Beat Crusader song as well. What can I say? I love me some J-Rock.

Fan Shout-out!:

This section is to thank people who have reviewed my stories. Leave a review of your own, and you'll be featured too!

The only signed review comes from general shadow wolfsbane. If you are into Poke'mon stories (I'm not, ha), give hers a read and review! Unisgned reviewers for this week are bkugn (who's name I can only imaging came from banging hard on his keyboard) and reio (which reminds me of Reoko from Tenchi Universe). Thanks to all three of you! This chapter is dedicated to you. As for all you readers at home, get to writting those reviews!

Long live America! Read and review!


	4. Clown For a Day

Kappa Mikey:

**Kappa Mikey:**

Hit In The USA

"Clown For a Day"

By Emerald

"Okay, we're headed for Miami!" Mikey shouted jubilantly. From the back seat of a taxi. The rest of the LilyMu gang accompanied him in the sound-proof back seat of the speeding yellow cab, and they were scrunched together tighter than a giraffe in a cardboard box. They didn't even know where Guano was hidden under the tangle of bodies and limbs.

The night spent in the hotel in Orlando passed uneventfully, with Gonard only flooding the building twice. After the second evacuation, the cast decided they might as well get a head start and leave for Miami at once, in the hopes that they would have a few hours to enjoy the beach before they had to be at the local anime convention. Mikey whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said 'fresh' and there were dice in the mirror. If anything, he could say that this cab was weird, but he though 'Man forget it; go home to bell-air'!

"Uhh, why are you singing Mikey?" Mitsuki asked as the driver of the cab ran over a turtle as if it were a speed ramp, launching the car several feet in the air and flying over a bottomless pit.

"Huh? I wasn't singing. I thought that was Gonard." The American answered truthfully, recognizing the tune from on old television series.

"It wasn't me! I've had this fluffy purple pillow shoved in my mouth the whole time." Gonard said, holding a drool soaked object. The bundle moved, and arms and legs popped out, followed by a head.

"And I was in his mouth the whole time. So who was it?" Guano said as he whipped off the saliva that covered his body. Unfortunately, he did this against Lily's shirt, and the blonde promptly threw him out the window of the speeding car.

"I guess we'll just never know. Too bad." Lily deadpanned after the cabbie turned around and picked up the diminutive director. A few more minutes were spent in silence as their driver defied death numerous times. After a stunt involving a palm tree being used as a slingshot over a large body of water, the cast begin to be annoyed.

"What's wrong with this driver? Does he even care if he has passengers?" Mitsuki asked as she secretly planned to knock out their cabbie driver and take his place as driver. Unfortunately, this plan ended in an immediate evacuation to Canada and changing her name to 'Steve'. She quickly dropped the idea.

"Yeah, do all American's drive this recklessly?" Guano joined in as he the car came to an abrupt stop and his body was used as an airbag by the others. The cab rocketed forward again a second later, having stopped to let a leaf cross the road.

"Hey, America invented the automobile! If anyone knows how to drive, it's us!" Mikey objected. A second later, they were blindsided by a woman talking on a cell-phone. Immediately afterward, they were slammed in the back by a blind man. To top everything off, a motorcyclist pulling off a wheelie crashed through the front windshield.

As a free-for-all battle took place between the drivers of the vehicles, the LilyMu cast cowered in the rear of the cab. Except Gonard, who got involved in the struggle and began busting heads together while believing it all to be some odd American tradition, which it somewhat was.

"That was fun!" Gonard exclaimed as Mitsuki bandaged his forehead with a torn strip of seatbelt. This wasn't as dangerous as it sounds, because the seatbelts hadn't been connected to the seats to begin with. The cabbie started up the clunker of a car once more, this time to escape the police who had broken up the fight.

After what seemed like an eternity of time spent alternately fearing for their lives and trying to figure out how to pronounce the name "Fredericotocopants" (which was a pointless endeavor, for their driver's name was Bob), the LilyMu crew finally arrived at their destination.

"OMG, look at all the LilyMu fans!" Lily squealed as she looked out the window and saw thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of people lining the streets of Miami. They were all celebrating and having a grand ol' time, jumping up and down on a police vehicle.

"These don't look quite like anime fans, Lily." Guano said as he watched a teenager chug down a bottle of beer larger than himself. "They're much too tan, for one thing."

"Wait a minute; this wouldn't happen to be spring, would it?" Mikey asked as a sudden thought came to him.

"Actually, Ozu did say it would be the beginning of spring when we got here. Why?" Guano answered, not knowing the reason for the seemingly absurd question. Mikey's face lit up as if he'd just heard his grandmother died and left him a fortune.

"Do you realize what this means?! It means were at Miami Beach during Spring Break!" Mikey said as he jumped up and down in his seat, causing all of the entire cab to rock. This started a contest amongst all the vehicles around them to bounce as high as possible.

"What's Spring break?" Gonard asked as a blue jeep won the contest by landing on the moon.

"It's only the best semi-holiday in the American year! Spring Break is when all the cool people head for the beach and have the greatest week of their lives!" the orange haired spazz hyperventilated with excitement. "I remember my last spring break."

He had a flash back to three years ago, when he and his one friend traveled to Miami for spring break. Mikey's car was stolen five minutes after they arrived, and they spent the rest of the week chasing the thief across Florida on his friends bicycle.

"That was the best car-chase of my life." he reminisced, and wiped a tear from his eye. His friends, not having seen the flashback, were thoroughly confused.

"Well, what are we waiting for? Let hit that beach!" Gonard said as he ripped off his clothing and spontaneously gained a pair of swim shorts.

--

The LilyMu crew stopped only to check into their hotel and change their clothes before they hit the beach. Mikey put on his favorite Hawaiian shirt, Lily wore a simple one-piece bathing suit, and Mitsuki changed into a pair of jean shorts. Guano and Gonard both attempted to enter the beach wearing just their own fur, but only one of them could do so legally. The blue haired man was forced to grow a pair of swimming trunks once again.

"Now I know why you like this place so much, Mikey. No one is wearing any clothes." Lily said as they stepped onto the cool sand and looked at all the Americans who were either naked or half naked.

"Hey, I do not lose my clothes that often!" Mikey protested, and then looked down at himself. "And on a completely unrelated note, has anyone seen my shirt?"

Everyone sighed at the regularity at which Mikey lost his clothing, and went off to do their own things. Guano walked around the beach aimlessly, Lily checked out the men playing volleyball, and Gonard made good on his claim to make a sand-sandwich. Only Mitsuki stayed with Mikey to help him find his favorite shirt, remembering how he had helped her find Mr. Featherbottom only a short while ago.

"Don't worry Mikey; I'll stand by you. Besides, I still owe you a favor." Mitsuki said sweetly, but she would have wanted to stay next to her love interest anyways. Mikey thanked her, and they went off in search of the missing shirt.

--

Despite her pre-disposition to Americans, Lily had to admit that the men at the beach were definitely _not ugly_. She had never seen such bulging muscles on any of the men in Tokyo; that was for sure. As she walked past the volley-ball net, she caught the attention of all them men present with her exotic beauty.

"Hello there, boys." Lily giggled alluringly. A group of Speedo-clad men surrounded her, and the actress basked in their undivided attention.

"Show us yer tits!" a man in a cowboy hat yelled, and the cheer was taken up by the rest of the muscled males. Lily almost exploded in anger.

"I am not getting naked for you perverted freaks!" she declared, holding her arms around her chest protectively. The men either couldn't hear her over their own shouting, or they were too drunk to pay attention to what she was saying.

"Flash! Flash! Flash!" they continued to chant, several of them taking out their camera phones as Lily's head

"I say, do please kindly reveal unto us your breasts!" an older man with a monocle and a striking resemblance to Mr. Monopoly said, lining up a shot with his vintage 1950's camera.

"No way in hell!" she swore as she pushed her way out of the constraining circle, wishing that she had brought some of her weapons with her. The crowd booed as she left their presence.

"Pussy!" one of them insulted her as she walked away. She didn't understand the offense comment, but it still made her mad. She vowed her revenge on the group of pervs.

--

Guano was walking around bored, tired of watching Gonard repeatedly eat and rebuild his 'sandwich'. The pun was even more excruciating when seen in action. The director was sweating furiously as well, his furry purple costume heating up in the bright sunlight. Suddenly, a cold drink was thrust in front of him.

"Hey little dude, you look like you could use a cold one!" a teenager with a scraggily beard said as he held out a can of Coors to the desperately thirty midget. Guano accepted the alcoholic beverage as if the mother Mary had just given him her son to hold.

"Thank you, blessed virgin." Guano said, temporarily hallucinating. He took a long swig from the can, an immediately began to feel his mood rise. Within five seconds, he had emptied the can of its contents and crushed it against the power-crystal on his chest. The drunken teen was impressed.

"Whoa, man! You should totally enter the drinking contest over we're starting over there!" he pointed at a sandcastle. Then he realized something was wrong, and shifted his finger five feet to the left. He was now pointing at a large booth that was surrounded by participants and an easily excited audience. "As you can probably tell, I entered the 'contest' a little early."

"Sure, why not! I could drink a cow dry right now!" Guano said, and immediately realized how disturbing that must have sounded. It didn't matter though, because the kid had already passed out on the sand. The director hitched up his non-existent trousers and joined the group of five who would participate in the brutish challenge.

Sweat began to bead up on his forehead again, this time no caused by heat, but by nervousness. He quickly shook the hesitation from his mind; he had been training for this moment all his life. He would not let those dark nights he spent alone with no companion but a Budweiser go to waste! The bell rang, and he let all his inhibitions go as he downed his first can.

"Chug! Chug! Chug!" the captive audience cheered as the contestants simultaneously ruined their livers.

"Quickly imbibe a multitude of alcoholic beverages!" the monocle man interjected, and shouts of agreement rose up even though they did not know what he said.

--

Meanwhile, Mikey and Mitsuki's hunt hadn't turned up any results. Both of them had all but given up their search, and were instead enjoying their time spent together. The two had just finished discussing the ethics of tying a hamster to a toy rocket when loud music began to play over to the west.

"Hey, heavy metal! Wanna go for a dance, Mitsuki?" Mikey asked in a rare display of affection.

"Okay!" Mitsuki happily replied, her head growing over half its normal size until it could be mistaken for a beach ball. She let Mikey take her by the hand over to where the noise came from.

There was a large stage set up, and a popular American band had just finished a lengthy guitar intro. A man who looked like the living dead walked up to the microphone and the beach-goers screamed with excitement, but Mitsuki was afraid because of the recent zombie invasion that took place back home.

"ARE YOU READY TO BURN IN HELL!?" Rob Zombie demanded in a gravely voice that surely came from the dark pit he spoke of. Now _everyone_ in attendance looked at the musician with dread. The imposing figure rubbed the back of his neck nervously and tried to smile.

"Uhh, by which I mean: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!" the living dead man clarified in a slightly less evil tone of voice. Now the crowd cheered as they were supposed to, and the band began to play the opening strains of their song 'Dragula'. Mitsuki watched as Mikey and the other Americans danced erratically, sending their various limbs flying everywhere in a motion that could only be described as 'turbo-spazz'.

"I don't really know how to dance to this kind of music." Mitsuki said as she dodged a jumping kick that only _looked_ like it was aimed at her face. Her love interest took out the man a second later with a random swing of his fist.

"It's really simple, actually. You just move your arms and legs and try to hit as many people as you can!" Mikey instructed as the vocalist of the band sang about dying kittens or something.

"O-okay." Mitsuki said, wanting desperately to fit in and gain Mikey's approval. She twirled her forearms in what she thought looked like somewhat looked like dancing. She scored a hit right away, breaking a man's nose in a torrent of flying firsts. It was not to be her only victim, as her spy training unconsciously came back to her and caused her to intentionally lash out at two more strangers. She made clapping movements with her arms as she walked up to two rockers who were busy head-banging, and she slammed their heads together with a mighty clap.

"Wow, you're really good at this!" Mikey encouraged his blue-haired friend as he poked a man's eyes out three-stooges style. In fact, Mitsuki was doing _too_ well. A group of metal-heads formed a haphazard circle around her and prepared to strike.

"MOSH PIT!" somewhat shouted, and they made their move on the only somewhat helpless women. Mitsuki was quickly flung to the west side of the circle, where she was then thrown back towards the east. This continued on for some time.

"Mikey, what do I do?" she cried, not out of pain but confusion. She couldn't think of any way out of the 'ring of fire' in which she was trapped.

"Just ride it out; have fun!" came the unexpected answer. The Japanese girl bid her time, and tried to enjoy the experience but found that she couldn't. Eventually she grew upset at the constant shoving and began to scream to be let out. Before Mikey could come to her rescue, the music suddenly stopped and everyone turned to the stage in annoyance. Then Mitsuki saw that Rob Zombie had leapt of the stage and was now standing in front of her.

"If there's one thing I don't tolerate, its disrespecting women!" he condemned the men who had formed the mosh pit with his venom soaked voice. The actress wiped her forehead in relief.

"Uh, what about your CD, 'American Made Songs to Strip By'?" Mikey asked as he heard the hypocritical comment.

"Ix-nay on the ipping-stray" Mr. Zombie leaned over and whispered in the American's ear. Then he turned back to Mitsuki with a forced, grimy smile. "These nasty men won't bother you again, ma'am."

"T-thanks." She answered. Rob Zombie tipped his cowboy hat at her, grew bat wings, and promptly flew back onto the stage.

"Don't worry, Mitsuki. It's all just theatrics." Mikey comforted her as the vocalist in question turned his head completely around and began to spew blood while singing in an otherworldly language. Mitsuki's body shrank in terror.

"There you two are! C'mon, let's get the hell out of here. We don't have long until the convention starts, remember?"" Lily said, walking up towards the pair. They actually had plenty of time, but the blonde actress was bored out of her mind and wanted to get away from the beach-going Americans as soon as possible. She had brought Gonard with her, but his mouth was so full of sand that he couldn't speak.

"Hold on, we still need to get Guano." Mitsuki said, torn between her desire to spent time with Mikey and her need to get away from the music that was threatening to murder her ear drums.

"Look at me! I'm a volleyball!" Guano shouted happily as he flew through the air, having been recently hit a little too far over the net. Gonard wasted no time spiking the Guano-ball into the sand, hard. The tipsy director just laughed as he stood back up, his nose red instead of the usual purple. "Me… I won teh drinking contesht."

"That's spending. Now can we leave?" Lily asked, not waiting for their answer as she walked away towards the parking lot. Mikey still bummed about losing his favorite shirt, but he figure that it was a lost cause.

"Hymky, isntaturshrt?" Gonard spoke through a mouthful of sand. The LilyMu cast looked at him quizzically

"Come again?" Mikey asked, and blue-haired man swallowed the great mound of salty particles.

"I said, 'hey Mikey, isn't that your shirt'?" Gonard explain himself, pointing off towards another stage located in the north. Then he pulled out his tongue and tried to look down his throat. "Don't panic, but I think I ate a crab."

No one panicked though, both for the fact that Gonard had eaten worse things in the past and survived, and because they were paying attention to the stage at which their friend had pointed them towards. Sure enough, they recognized the bright orange and red floral shirt. The only problem was that someone else was wearing it

"Look, there it is! That woman is wearing your shirt!" Mitsuki announced, pointing towards an attractive young who was dancing on stage for the enjoyment of the men. She was wet, as if someone had just dumped water on her.

Rrrrip!

"Correction: she _was_ wearing your shirt!" Guano guffawed at his own joke as the rest of the cast stared in shock, Gonard drooling just a little bit. That was only because the crab had climbed into his brain and was pinching his salivation gland, however. The topless women walked off the stage, and the cat-walk was cleared for the next contestant.

"Now's our chance. We'll get the spazz' shirt back and then we're leaving this trashy beach." Lily said, and the rest of the group once again followed her lead.

They were able to sneak up on the stage without being questioned, because the organizers of the event hoped that the two actresses would become part of the show. When they stopped only to pick up the torn shirt and left, the crowd booed furiously.

"Alright, we've got it. Let's get out of here!" Lily commanded, leading them towards the beach exit until Mitsuki noticed that someone was missing.

"Wait a minute, where did Guano go?" she asked, looking around. She spotted him on the stage, doing the butt-dance for an even angrier crowd then earlier. Before he could make a further fool out of himself, Mikey used a can to drag the actor off of the catwalk.

"Why did jou do that? I was jus about to get my –hiccup- groove on." Guano mumbled as he was carried away from the lynch mob that was forming. They ran over to street and hailed a taxi, and they just happened to get the same driver as last time.

"To the anime convention! And step on it!" Mikey ordered, and the taxi sped away from the pursuing beach goers. Everyone gave a collective sigh of relief, except Guano, who was too crushed to breathe.

--

Author Notes: I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, and I hope it shows! Without a doubt, it is my favorite chapter yet. The next one will also be entertaining, as it deals entirely with the cast's first American anime convention. There will be quite a few surprises in store, but you'll have to wait until next week to find out!

On to specifics. Rob Zombie rocks; and you should all go out and buy his CD's right now. Pure awesomeness awaits you. Also, the missing shirt and wet-T shirt contest jokes came straight out of an older comic strip I used to draw, called "Life's a Mitch". Finally, I do not approve of over-drinking any more than I approve of eating sand. These stunts are done by professionals, and you should not attempt them on your own.

Reader's Corner:

Last chapter's new reviewers include Dragonlord Falcon, Gods of Death Loves Apples, and Meowths Toon Dragon. Dragonlord currently has no stories for me to plug, but she deserves this space in the corner just as much as anyone else! GDLA (that'd be a good acronym for a super hero team) has two Harry Potter fanfics, which she should check out if you are a fan of the series. Our second dragon's acronyme, MTD, sounds like a name for a vaginal infection. But he has stories for Sonic X, Happy Tree Friends, and more, so you should definatly check out his stuff! Just make sure to use protection. Finally, a huge thank you to Gods of Death Loves Apples, who was able to send me an mp3 of the full version of the Kappa Mikey theme song.

You've been really good about sending these reviews in, folks. But don't stop now! I don't post the next chapter until I have gotten a minimum of three reviews per new chapter.

Long live America! Read and review!


	5. Delirious

**Kappa Mikey:**

Hit In The USA

"Delirious"

By Emerald

"We're finally here!" Gonard shouted jubilantly as their rented cab finally came to a stop. They had been trying to outrace a car full of angry beach bums for five minutes, when all of a sudden the pursuing vehicle seemed to randomly explode. The cast had praised the heavens for their good fortune, while Lily quickly hid her trusty rocket launcher. She had picked it up from the hotel when they stopped to change into their LilyMu costumes.

"It's jus a stoplight, Gonard. We're not at that con…convection…vention…thing yet." Guano said, sitting on Mikey's head so he wouldn't be smashed. But the spiky hair was almost as bad, and the director felt like he was straddling a porcupine. The numerous times their driver took speed bumps at 90 miles an hour didn't help, either.

"Are you kidding? I've been waiting all day to see this!" the blue-haired dunce said excitedly, watching as the light changed from red to green. He gave out a chimpanzee-like squeal of enjoyment and clapped his hands like a monkey.

"Hey, isn't that the convention center over there?" Mitsuki asked, pointing towards a large but plain looking building. It looked like it may have been converted from an old storage facility.

"How would you be able to tell?" Lily wondered aloud, looking in the direction her friend pointed. The bland construct didn't have anything special about it that she could tell.

"Oh, I know this one! They made the building intentionally inconspicuous so that bullies wouldn't go there and beat up all the nerds!" Mikey answered. The cab radio suddenly began playing congratulatory fanfare, and the driver clapped his hands as well. That probably wasn't a good thing for him to do, however, because they went crashing into the convention hall as soon as his hands left the wheel.

As the cab hit an indoor fire-hydrant and the driver flew out the front windshield, the famous anime stars opened their side doors and stepped out into the convention area. They looked around in wonder at all the various anime and videogame's being advertised by the many booth set up through the spacious complex. They had been to plenty of conventions in Japan, of course, so the only difference was that they were now surrounded by pale white _Americans. _

"Welcome to the 2008 Fangasm Con! My name is Duke Phillips, and I'm the host of the event." A physically fit man of about thirty years greeted them, looking very out of place surrounded by the nerds that clouded the floor room.

"Thank you for inviting us." Mitsuki answered, watching as the cab driver was taken away by an otoku fan dressed in a robot nurse's outfit.

"So what show are you folks from? Lizard Ballz, Yugimon, Death Nacho?" the host questioned, gaining angry glares from the cast.

"No, we're from the LilyMu show. Though I'd switch for a job on Death Nacho anytime!" Gonard answered, not realizing that his program of choice failed to exist.

"Sorry, but you can't really blame me. All these anima shows are the same, am I right?" Duke laughed to himself. The angry glares switched to murderous ones, and the host realized he was the only one laughing. "Whatever. Just keep bringing the ticket sales in. The panel begins in give minutes."

With that, the man cart-wheeled away, and the cast was left to their own devices. Gonard quickly ran off in a hopeless search to find the Death Nacho cast, and eat them, while the others made their way through the sea of booths. As they neared the stage, they saw a giant Mikey head adorning one of the cubicle-like establishments.

"Hey, that must have been made by our American-based fan club!" Mitsuki said, pointing to the shoddily-prepared booth. The LilyMu cast must have been staring at it too hard, because the poorly constructed walls collapsed in on themselves. M.C. Reaper came to take it away to its final resting place.

"What are you doing, man? That's my booth!" someone in a LilyMu cosplay outfit shouted, running up to the bearer of death. The reaper took out a yellowed parchment paper and read it over again.

"Hmm, it says here you were supposed to die in the collapse. Well, better now than never." M.C. replied, and then he took out his scythe/microphone and began chasing the man throughout the building.

None of the LilyMu cast saw this happen, as they were all too busy watching Gonard try to eat a man dressed as a Dorito. An announcement interrupted the biting and screaming.

"The LilyMu panel will begin in three minutes. Please keep your gags and ropes in your pockets at all time. Do not try to kidnap the actors until _after_ they have reached their hotel rooms. That is all." A woman's voice said over the intercom.

As the nerds stood in amazement at the realization that there was a woman in the building, Mikey and the rest of the cast ran towards the front stage where Duke Phillips was waiting. The cast took their seats in front of a long desk while the host of the event turned on his microphone and addressed the crowd.

"Hello everyone, I am Duke Phillips. Now, I'm not a fan on anima, but-" he was cut off by loud booing from the audience.

"But I do love the money you nerds bring in every year." Duke finished. Someone in the audience threw a toaster and hit him in the head.

"I could kill you all right now and no one would give a damn!" Phillips shouted, and there was absolute silence from the crowd for several seconds. Then there was an electronic beep as the toast popped up. "Enjoy the show, ya bunch of lousy ingrates."

The host walked off the stage, and then came back to take the slice of toast. He ate it noisily as he stormed off once again. The cast of LilyMu was left staring at hundreds of expectant anime fans, many of which had criminal records for stealing anime stars' organs and selling them on eBay. An otoku in a robot doctor's outfit took out his scalpel and glared at them hungrily.

"So… any questions?" Mitsuki asked, and the flood gates were opened.

"Oh my God, Los Angeles is under twenty feet of water!" someone in California shouted as they were swept away by the current.

Meanwhile, thousands of questions were being asked faster than the Lily-Mu cast could comprehend. It eventually became survival of the fittest, and the nerds with the loudest voices were the only ones with hope of getting their queries answered.

"Mikey, you showed considerable skill with the Kappa Katana in episode 133! I demand a battle of the blades!" a man in a pitch-black organization XIII cloak said, holding up a glowing red sword. He was immediately escorted out by security, not for having a weapon, but because trench-coats are illegal in Florida.

"I have a similar challenge! Between Mitsuki and myself, I request a Karaoke match… to the death!" a man in a Naruto-like costume shouted, wearing a bandana with a music cleft over one eye. He too was taken out by security and was the victim of much police brutality.

"Guano, Guano!" a plain looking man with no costume shouted, trying to be heard over the crowd and the sounds of the other the people being beaten. He was miraculously able to get the director's attention. "Hey, I'm Donko, and I was just wondering; how drunk are you right now?"

"Oh, oh yeah! Well how come you all are so pale, when… when y'all live in Florida!?" Guano shouted, and then he fell off of his chair and passed out. The crowd surged forward and grabbed the director as Donko was taken out and got his ass kicked for absolutely no reason.

"I'm a rock star!" the furry actor shouted as the crowd carried him. Not wanting to be left out of the fun, Mikey decided to stage dive as well. What he didn't count on is that the people he landed on would all weigh less than 100 pounds combined. He toppled the nerds and hit the floor hard.

"When I say 'Gonard' you say 'yeah'!" Gonard shouted into his microphone as he stood on top of the desk, using his evil voice. Mitsuki and Lily were simply stunned by the chaos and disorder. As the LilyMu villain worked the crowd into an even greater frenzy, Donko burst back into the room unsuccessfully restrained by a security guard.

"One more question, for the whole cast! How do you feel about your boss being arrested for drug possession just one hour ago?" he asked, before having a comically large candy-cane broken over his head. Five punch-drunk guards rushed and beat him to the ground.

"What?!" the cast shouted in unison, bringing the riot to an abrupt halt. Guano was dropped and landed on his head, jolting him into sobriety. A giant television screen came down from nowhere, and it wasn't connected to anything either. Before anyone could ask how it was just hovering in the middle of the room, a newscast began.

"We are at the LilyMu studios in Tokyo, where anime producer Ozu… what the hell last name is that? Forget it. Anyway, Ozu was just taken to jail one hour ago for possession of marijuana, crack cocaine, heroin, speed, LSD, psychedelic mushrooms and cacti, as well as home grown tomatoes… filled with more crack. We are currently investigating this Yes-man to see if any drugs have been hidden in him." The female reporter read from her cue cards and pointed to the right, the camera following the motion.

"THIS IS A VIOLATION OF MY RIGHTS!" Yes-man screamed as he stood in his underwear against a wall, a man with a hand-held vacuum approaching him menacingly from behind. The scene quickly switched back to the reporter.

"We are receiving live video from the jail cell where the once powerful media mogul is confessing to his crimes." She concluded as piercing screams were heard. The newscast switched to camera two, where Ozu sat in a very grey prison cell.

"I started out slow, only injected one or two hundred times a day. Before I knew it, I was doing crazy things that hurt me and those around me. I lied to my director as well as my cast numerous times, and I spent all of their travel money on drugs and strippers." Ozu exhaled sadly. "And those were some damn fine strippers."

"Do you think you've learned your lesson?" the camera man asked, to which the old man nodded his head emphatically.

"Yes. I have learned my lesson." He said sincerely, absentmindedly lighting up a bong. Then camera one was being broadcast again, where a butterfly was fluttering through the sky and a hand was trying to grab it.

"Damn it, point that thing at me!" the reporter shouted, and cameraman one put the lens back on the angry female. "Ozu is currently facing bail charges of hundreds of thousands of millions of yen. Not willing to pay such a high amount, he has decided to serve his one year sentence. The LilyMu cast is currently stranded in America, and will have to make it back to Japan on their own. We now go back to the Ozu interrogation in progress."

"If my cast is watching this right now, I ask them all for their forgiveness. I also forbid them from coming back until they have been to all of the anime conventions, or else they are all FIRED!" the LilyMu producer shouted, knocking over cameraman two with his expanding head. The scene switched once again.

"There will be an update on this story later tonight. Now we go back to our continuing coverage of the L.A. flood, where it has been confirmed that Alligators have invaded." The newscast concluded as someone said something about 'mutha-f****ing alligators in a mutha-f****ing city', and the television turned off. The T.V. immediately stopped flying and landed on a fan's head.

"Mikey! Did you hear what that conveniently placed television just said? We're stuck here!" Mitsuki yelled as the stage diving Simon finally got to his feet. He managed to crawl back on the stage, but lost one of his shoes to his rabid fan base.

"This is terrible! We have to get back to our hotel and steal as much money as we can, or else we'll never make it to Iowa in time for the next convention!" Mikey said as he crafted a javelin out of a microphone stand and a piece of glass. "Get behind me; I'll get us through this crowd."

"Uh, I don't think that will be necessary." Mitsuki sweat dropped, though she was secretly happy that Mikey was being so brave. Just then, Duke drove up on stage in a jeep.

"C'mon, c'mon! I can't have another anima star die at one of these things or I'll lose the building!" he beckoned for them to get in the vehicle, and once they did he drove into the crowd. Countless numbers of hopeless fan artists, cosplayers, and crappy fan fiction authors were run over as the vehicle charged towards the entrance. They burst through the hole the cab had made, and they were home free.

"God, it's only been an hour and already two crowds have attacked us: one angry, one full of crazed fans. I hate America." Lily huffed as the jeep entered the highway. This angered their driver, and he stopped the car in the middle of the road, causing a pile-up.

"That little comment is going to cost you, missy. Get out of the car, all of you!" Phillips roared, and the LilyMu cast was thrown out of the jeep. "I was going to take you all to your next convention, but because of what you've just said, I've changed my mind."

"You never planned to take us anywhere; you're just making up stories to make us even angrier than we already are." Lily countered, hitting the needle on the head. The needle yelped in pain, and Duke growled as he lie was uncovered. Then he drove off and left the cast in the middle of the road. They quickly ran off the street.

"Thanks a lot Lily, now we have to walk all the way back to our hotel." Guano accused the blonde actress. She scoffed in indifference, though she was pissed off as well.

"I don't know about you guys, but I had a blast!" Gonard said as they started to walk off in the direction of their lodging, which had luckily been paid for before their credit cards were canceled. "That was the best Olympic ceremony ever!"

"How are we going to make it all the way to Iowa with no money?" Mitsuki wondered aloud, cursing Ozu for not letting them have time to exchange their currency before coming to America.

"I bet I can exchange this trophy I won in the drinking contest for some money. But it can't cover both hotel expenses _and_ travel costs." Guano said, holding up solid gold beer keg. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That's weird; how come we didn't see you with that award before?" Mikey asked his director.

"What? There can be conveniently placed television sets but not spur of the moment trophies? When randomness hands you a favor, you damn well take it!" the furry man hugged the golden keg to his chest. Everyone shrugged their shoulders in agreement, and a family of three bicyclists rode up to them.

"Hello there, we were wondering if you could bring these bikes to the hotel for us. We're busy trying to hunting a vampire, and it's easier when we're on foot." The father said, and then they handed off their bikes to the cast. Then the family took out steaks and hammers and ran off towards a KFC restaurant.

"See?" Guano said slyly as he hopped into the basket of the bike Mitsuki chose to ride. The cast rode off to the hotel, riding over speed boost pads that had recently been installed in the sidewalk. Then a hippopotamus landed on Mikey's head, proving that randomness could give and take away as it pleased.

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Authors Notes: That's another chapter down the effing drain! Soon the LilyMu crew will be off towards their next destination, where another anime convention will await them. What strange and crazy things will happen to them in Iowa? I don't know yet, but it probably involves cows and copious amounts of corn.

Duke Phillips in this story was not originally named Duke Phillips. His name was Orville Thomason until I realized that the lines I was giving him seemed like they were coming right out of the mouth of a character in the American animated show "The Critic". As for another reference you may not have picked up on, 'Death Nacho' is a spoof on 'Death Note'. And if you can't guess what the other two shows were, then you don't deserve to read this story. Finally, three online friends of mine got bit parts in this chapter; they know who they are.

Fan Corner:

New reviewers for this chapter include anonymous reviews Bkugn and Reio, who are apparently twins (that or one person pretending to be two so thast I'll upload this chapter :). Repear reviewers include God of Death Loves Apples and the always reliable General Shadow Wolfs Bane. Also, this chapter's M.C. Death appearance was brought to you by General Shadow Wolfs bane, who told me she wanted to see more of the character.

Sorry this chapter was so late, but when Ch 4 only got one review in the first week, I decided to postpone uploading this chapter. Then there were three more reviews in quick succesion in the later weeks. Chapter 6 will be posted this coming friday, regardless of how many reviews this chapter 5 gets, though I still want reviews, obviously ;) Thanks again to everyone here who has convinced me to continue working on this story.

Long live America! Read and review!


	6. Overture

**Kappa Mikey:**

Hit In The USA

"Overture"

By Emerald

After a bull-dozer was used to remove the hippo from Mikey's back, the rest of the trip to the hotel was uneventful. Except for the time when pirates attacked the city, of course. "For the glory of the Queen!" Gonard had shouted, charging off into battle on the back of a peacock. But besides that, nothing of interest had happened.

Upon reaching their lodgings, the cast split up. Mikey went up to the room he was to share with the other two boys, Gonard tried to fit the indoor swimming pool in his pants and leave the hotel with it, Lily and Mitsuki hung out in their own room, and Guano managed to get stuck in a vending machine.

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"God, what a terrible day." Lily complained as she flopped down on one of the over-stuffed beds in her and Mitsuki's room. On top of all of the chaos that had happened that morning, she had just kicked out a rabid anime fan that had hidden in the closet with a camera and a pile of tissues.

"It wasn't so bad. I've had some fun." Mitsuki replied, opening up the curtains and letting the light shine into the room. Behind the curtains hid another stalker, and the blue haired woman sprayed him with a can of roach spray until he scurried under the front door.

"Don't kid yourself, Mitsuki; these past two days have been complete hell." The blond actress continued to whine, and it began to get on her friend's nerves.

"At least I'm _trying_ to have a good time. When we were all partying at the beach, you didn't even try to enjoy yourself." She accused in an angry tone of voice as she checked the bathroom for any more disturbed otokus.

"What, you expected me to go out there with a bunch of Americans and dance to music made by a guy who thinks he's a zombie? That's not exactly normal, Mitsuki." Lily retorted, twirling a finger near the side of her head to make a point. Somewhere, Rob Zombie cried a little without knowing why.

"The most popular singer in Japan claims to be a vampire. I don't see a big difference." Mitsuki crossed her arms, making a reference to the J-rock solo artist Gackt. Lily rolled her eyes and failed to see the comparison.

"Yeah, but he's Japanese. It's different." She dismissed the association. Her friend just wasn't getting through to her.

"What do you have against the Americans, anyway?" the blue-haired co-star finally asked. Lily's eyes grew red hot, and her head slowly began to inflate with the noise a balloon makes.

"What don't I have against the Americans! Are you stupid? Have you forgotten what they did to our country?!" Lily questioned as she stood up and look straight at Mitsuki, the conversation taking an oddly serious tone.

"No…" Mitsuki answered meekly, not able to meet the other actress's wild, angry glare.

"They bombed us TWICE, Mitsuki, while we were preparing to surrender! They weren't even attacking our military; they blew up our god damned civilians!" she was relentless in her fury, getting right up in Mitsuki's face.

"I know it was a tragedy, Lily, but you can't blame all American's for the actions of a few." Mitsuki calmly countered, though it did nothing but further enrage her verbal sparing opponent.

"God, Mitsuki! You're such a…" Lily struggled to find just the right insult, "such a PUSSY!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" the insulted asked unknowingly. Lily shook her head ambiguously.

"Go ask an American!" she shouted, turning her back on her friend. The actress stormed off into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind her. Mitsuki felt the tremors of the door frame as if they had come from inside her, and realized she wasn't welcome in her own hotel room. Containing her mixed emotions, she walked out the front door and exited into the hallway.

A loud scream alerted her to the fact that she had not been as thorough as she thought in her check of the bathroom. She concealed a smile and went on her way.

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Gonard was walking around the third floor hallway, his pants very wet from his attempted "shop lifting". He was busy trying to remember where on his shirt he had written his room number when he heard a muffled voice coming from the vending machine on his right.

"Ooh, a haunted soda machine! I've always wanted to get a drink from one of these things!" the blue-haired dunce exclaimed happily, putting his eye up to the dollar-bill slot. "I wonder how I insert my soul into this thing…"

"Gonard! You've got to help me!" the mysterious voice requested, spooking the potential buyer.

"What is it you wish for, oh great Satan?" Gonard bowed down to the machine, causing some tourists who were watching the event to quickly hide their goat before it became part of any sacrificial services.

"No, it's me, Guano! I got stuck in here, and I need you to get me out." Guano's voice called from the can dispenser slot.

"Gosh, I've never performed an exorcism before. I'll need to get some more holy water from the pool." Gonard replied and began to head off to the pool area. He was dragged back to the machine two seconds later by a couple of security guards with afros and dark sunglasses.

"Forget the exorcism! You're strong; I just need you to break me out of this." The director pleaded, never wanting to go through another exorcism again. But that was a flashback for another time.

"Well, alright. But I'd going to need a running start." Gonard warned as he backed up to the far end of the hallway, and lined himself up with the vending machine that stood at the other end. Then he charged. "For the glory of the Queen!"

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Mitsuki stepped out of the elevator, and was pleasantly surprised that it had not malfunctioned like every elevator in Japan had. Maybe America did have its perks, she thought. She thought too soon however, and the machine detonated as soon as she turned her back.

Since Lily was being bitchy, she decided she would see what the boys were doing; especially Mikey. She was wondering if her crush was telling the truth about taking her to an amusement park when she suddenly heard strange noises coming from a vending machine.

"Guano, did you get stuck in a vending machine again?" Mitsuki asked as she neared the soda dispenser which continued to pitch and rock.

"Yes…" Guano mumbled, and there was the sound of more movement coming from within.

"Hi, Mitsuki! Say, you wouldn't happen to have any holy water on hand, would you?" Gonard asked from inside the machine as well.

"Gonard? How in the world did you _both_ get stuck in there?" Mitsuki was at a loss for words. She had accidentally dropped her 'Scrabble' game on the floor and lost all of the letter tiles.

"We don't know, but it's very likely that God hates us." Guano replied stoically, no humor evident in his voice.

"What have we done to anger thee, oh vengeful God!?" Gonard cried, his hands clasped over a can of soda.

"I don't know Gonard, maybe it has to do with your saying that you'd sell your soul for a lousy Dr. Pepper!" the director yelled back. Gonard said something about Dr. Pepper-ness being next to God-liness, but Mitsuki was no longer paying attention. She'd heard enough arguments for one day.

"Alright, you guys just stay there. I'll go get someone with a key to let you out." Mitsuki tried to calm them down, and then she walked off to find someone who could help her confined cast mates.

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Only a few rooms to his left, the sounds of chainsaw's grinding into metal were deafening. But Mikey ignored this as he plugged his left ear and tried to listen to the phone with his right. He was trying to call his parents, to tell them that he would be visiting them sometime in the coming week. All too predictably, they did not answer.

"Hello, you've reached the Simons. We can't answer the phone right now, because we're busy spending our son Mikey's inheritance on Indian casinos." His mother's cheerful voice rang out, perhaps even more cheerily than normal.

"Honey, don't say that on the machine." Mr. Simon whispered to his wife from a little ways off, his voice still being picked up despite his best efforts.

"Sorry dear; I've had a few drinks this morning. Love you, Mikey!" the message concluded. Mikey would have been more suspicious if he had not been so easily distracted. After the first sentence he tuned out the voices and became entranced by a mime he saw outside his window. A robber came and stole the silent man's wallet, and the jester couldn't chase after him because he was trapped in an invisible box.

The sound of the power tools died down, and Mikey could finally hear himself think. Finding that his mind was empty, he turned on the television. Finally, a knock at the door broke up the monotony. The American ran over to the door in excitement, hoping that Guano had finally bought the drinks he had asked for thirty minutes ago. Still, he wasn't disappointed when he saw that it was Mitsuki.

"Hi Mikey!" she waved with a smile, as dynamite exploded to her left and the vending machine remained standing. "I just thought I'd come and see what you were doing."

"Eh, nothing much. I tried to call my parents, but they were at an Indian tribal council or something." Mikey tried his best to remember what they had said.

"So… can I come in?" Mitsuki asked tentatively as a bull ran full tilt at the vending machine.

"Oh yeah, come right in." Mikey invited her. She stepped inside the hotel room and closed the door behind her just as the charging beast ran into the machine. There was a loud crash and Guano screamed about his eyeball being stabbed. "How do you think everyone feels about the trip so far?"

"Well, I'd say feelings are… mixed." She replied honestly. "I've been having a lot of fun, and Gonard's had a blast. The only part Guano really enjoyed was getting drunk, and Lily, well…"

"There's no pleasing her, is there?" Mikey said with a short laugh. "I think the only time I've seen her happy is when she was burning that pile of Kappa Mikey bobble heads."

"She destroyed my bobble-head collection?! I- I mean," the actress faked a cough and regained her composer, "she's just not a big fan of America."

"I can see that. But why?" the American asked. Mitsuki felt there would be no harm in telling him the truth, and sat down on the living room couch. Mikey joined her.

"It sounds like she's still upset about the… nuclear bombings." She answered, looking down at her hands. A quick glance to her right showed that Mikey was showing the same body language as her; he looked ashamed. As the moment of silence passed, Mitsuki got up the courage to ask a question that could make or break their relationship. "How do you feel those two attacks?"

"Attack!" a man with an oversized can-opener screamed as he assaulted the vending machine. Two seconds later, he was being taken away by an emergency vehicle. Meanwhile, Mikey sighed heavily before giving an answer.

"I don't pretend to know a lot about history, or my government. I _am_ American, after all." He said with a small, sarcastic smile. He then became serious again. "But I don't see how _anyone_ can justify attacking innocent people, even in a time of war."

Mitsuki wanted to jump up and hug him right then. He was showing the same respect for human life that she did. But Mikey's monologue wasn't over quite yet.

"America isn't perfect; I know that because I've lived here most of my life. It's made a lot of mistakes. But the current generation can't be blamed for the sins of the past, or however the saying goes. I still love my country, even if there is a lot of crap." Mikey concluded. Mitsuki just smiled, reassured that she truly knew what kind of person her crush was. Just then, the television got louder as a commercial came on.

"We should all throw our children into a volcano, thereby pleasing the volcano gods so that our country may be blessed." A soothing voice said over an animated clip of babies being thrown into lava.

"I'm John McCain, and I approve this message." The commercial concluded with the southern accented presidential candidate. Mikey and Mitsuki looked at the screen in confusion.

"I guess that's some of the 'crap' I was just talking about, huh?" Mikey broke the silence, and the both had a good laugh at the expense of the Republican party. "Any other questions you have?"

"Oh, yeah." Mitsuki said, just wanting to spend more time with him. She quickly remembered something that she had wanted to know. "What's a 'pussy'?"

There was a short moment of silence, and then Mikey had to cover his mouth to stop himself from laughing. Mitsuki looked at him in confusion as tried to restrain himself. Finally, he answered her.

"Actually, I think you would know more about that than me." He answered, and then he broke out into laughter. Something about the way he said it gave Mitsuki the answer, and she blushed bright red. Then she too began to laugh at the absurdity of the question, and the combined laughter of the two drowned out the noise of a knock at their door.

They had to stop laughing and catch their breaths. Once they were sufficiently calmed down, they continued their conversation.

"So how are we going to get to Iowa without any money? We spent all we had on this hotel room, and we didn't bring a car." Mitsuki asked. Mikey shrugged his shoulders, not knowing the answer. Then there was a louder knocking, one that they actually heard. They both got up and walked towards the door. The opened it up and saw two of the fans from the anime convention.

"It's me, Donko! Excuse me for listening in on your conversation, hiding video cameras in your rooms, and currently uploading those videos to you tube", next to the ordinary looking kid, the man dressed like a ninja was rapidly typing on a laptop, "but I couldn't help but notice that you are currently lacking transportation."

"How did you follow us here?" Mikey asked, but his inquiry was ignored.

"The Black Wing's and I will more than gladly take you to Iowa tomorrow, if only for the chance to be in your presence." Donko bowed in respect, a gag-rope falling out of his pocket.

"The video of Mitsuki and Lily fighting already has one million hits!" the Black Wing karaoke lover shouted joyfully.

"Excellent work, Dosu!" Donko replied, giving a huge thumbs-up as if the two LilyMu actors could not see what they were doing. Both of them looked at each other as they wondered whether or not they should trust this odd group of kids.

"Just come with us and see our vehicle, and you wont be able to say no." the one known as Donko pleaded with them.

"Is that because you're going to kidnap us and take us to your secret lair?" Mitsuki asked fearfully.

"Maybe…." the leader of the Black Wings answered truthfully. "But you'll have all the refreshments you want!"

"I'm in!" Mikey said, tying himself up with an electrical cord.

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Authors Notes: Aww yeah, off to the next destination! Sorry the chapter uploads have been so erratic; I've recently been swamped with school work, as well as a flu that just won't go away. Don't expect the next chapter for quite awhile. The best idea would be to add this story to your 'Story Alert' list, so that you'll know exactly when a chapter is finished. While you wait for chapter 7, don't forget to read and review Snarkymen Fever if you still haven't!

The opinions held by the characters in this story are not necessarily my own, and only reflect what I feel the characters would think and say. I also do not belong to a political party; there will be an even crueler Obama joke later, for all you McCain fans. Obviously, this story takes place prior to the 2008 election.

This chapter marks a special occasion: Hit In The USA is now as long as the complete Snarkymen Fever story! And we're only approaching the halfway point, folks. Another special occasion: I stole a joke from my seven year old sister. I asked her what would happen if Guano was stuck in a vending machine and Gonard tried to get him out. She came up with the idea that they would both get stuck in it. Humor must run in the family.

Fan Corner:

Reviewers from chapter 5 include, once again, General Shadow Wolfsbane and God of Death Loves Apples. I'm glad to see I have such loyal reviewers. It brings a tear to my eye. *sniff*

Long Live America! Read and Review!


	7. Follow Me

**Kappa Mikey:**

Hit In The USA

"Follow Me"

By Emerald

"There it is, the greatest automobile since doughnuts!" Donko proudly exclaimed, pointing towards a sleek looking machine. It was morning, and the LilyMu cast was too tired to question his questionably questionable choice of words.

"I can't see; what does it look like? Is it shaped like a hotdog?!" Gonard asked from the seemingly indestructible vending machine. After the wrecking ball attempt failed to crack the machine open, the blue haired actor and the purple suited midget had resigned themselves to their fate, and were currently in the process of re-decorating.

"Well, I only look like the most badass car ever!" came a booming voice from under the hood. Guano, hearing a new voice, was immediately put on the defensive.

"Ah crap, now the paparazzi have come to take more embarrassing pictures of me! Well I'm proud of my lifestyle, News Week!" Guano shouted and raised his fist violently. This caused several cans of Dr. Pecker to fall on his head, and one somehow managed to get stuck in his ear.

"No Guano, I think that the Black Wing's car just talked!" Mitsuki exclaimed as a New Week truck quickly drove away.

"That's right, woman! My completely original and totally not hackneyed name is Motor, and I'll be driving you all to Iowa." Motor the black Toyota Camry said, and the cast began to laugh at his clichéd name.

"Sweet ride! I wish I had a talking vehicle." Mikey Simon said aloud, envisioning a car that spoke and acted like Gonard, but could also play hard rock music out of its speakers.

"Uh, dumbass, you had already had a talking motorcycle, remember? It tried to kill you." Lily interjected. She was still in a terrible mood, partly because of her fight with Mitsuki and partly because her apartment was broken into no less than fifty three times the previous night. "Too bad it didn't finish the job…"

"You won't have to worry about this ride though, it's completely safe. We've had all sorts of mystery solving adventures with him." The ever-cloaked XeonV said as he stepped out from behind the steering wheel.

"I'm still not sure riding in a self-conscious car is safe. Wasn't that the moral of the Transformers movie?" Mitsuki asked as Motor's CPU began to tell it to kill the blue-haired female. Then the car was distracted by thoughts of how awesome he was, and forgot what it had been thinking about.

"No, Mitsuki. The moral of Transformers was that American movies based on Japanese intellectual properties always rule." Mikey objected in an all-knowing tone of voice. "Just like Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat II, and Super Mario Bros. the Movie."

Every one looked at the American as if he his hair was infested with scorpions, which it was. As Mikey rolled on the floor screaming in pain, XeonV moved to the back of the car. Then he fell over because his robe had gotten caught in the door, and everyone got a cheap laugh out of this.

"Now there's no room for that vending machine to fit in the car, but we may be able to stow those two in the trunk." He said as he picked himself off of the pavement, gathering what little dignity he had left, and opened the rear compartment.

"Oh my god, there's a dead horse in there!" Lily screamed and pointed to the curiously green stallion lying in the trunk. How she couldn't notice that it's eyes were blinking, it's tail was swishing, and that it was simultaneously eating an apple, nobody knew.

"That's XeonV's trusty steed, Emerald. XV's had him for years and takes him wherever he goes." Dosu said, wanting to speak up before he was completely forgotten by the cast. It was too late, however, and his words went unnoticed by all.

"Yep, he's been loyal to me for all these years." The cloaked LilyMu fan said, wiping an unseen tear from his eye. "But there's no room for him now!"

With that, XeonV hefted up the horse and threw it head-first into a nearby garbage can. Then Donko and Dosu began to insert the two men into the now open hatch.

"Whoa, whoa! I don't roll that way!" Motor protested as the thick rectangular container was shoved in its rear. A few minutes later, after the car had finished crying about being indescribably violated, the near air-tight trunk was slammed shut on the two actors.

"Alright, so this vehicle only sits five passengers, so one of you will have to sit in my lap." Donko said, sliding over to Lily suggestively, as well as holding up a sign that said 'sit on me' in big block letters.

"Eww, forget it! I'll ride the stinking horse." Lily said, jabbing a thumb at the rattling trash can. On cue, Emerald's head happily poked out the top.

"Alright then, it's time to pile in." XeonV said as he got behind the wheel again and Lily attempted to learn how to ride a horse in less than one second. Dosu took the shotgun seat and Donko took the sniper outpost on the roof of the car. When the outpost blew down after a very slight gust of wind, he settled for sitting in the far left seat in the back.

"Wait, we still haven't put our bags in the trunk. Open it back up." Mikey reminded the Black Wing Army. Motor's eyes began to widen in fear.

"I can't fit any more in there!" the talking car began to bemoan as his rear end was forced opened once again and four packages here hastily stuffed in.

"Alright, now are we ready?!" Dosu asked with the impatience of a gorilla about to mate for the first time.

"I don't know. Has Lily learned how to ride that green horse yet?" Mitsuki asked, and her and the other's eyes began to scan the parking lot for signs of the bitchy blond.

"I'm getting the hang of it." Lily announced from the roof of the hotel, where she had accidentally led the horse straight up the wall.

"Well that's good enough for me!" the oh-so-loving pet owners said, turning on the ignition and revving the engine. Mikey and Mitsuki scrambled to their seats, the orange haired actor taking the middle-back seat and the blue-haired actress sitting next to him on the right, and Lily and Emerald fell six stories down and were lucky to land softly enough to only _partially_ break all of Emerald's legs.

"We can't breath!" Guano shouted from within the trunk, and Gonard said something about not being able to afford losing any more brain cells from suffocation.

"And we're off!" Donko exclaimed with a snap of his fingers, and the car sped out of the parking lot with the injured horse and its Lily trotting not far behind. Mitsuki spent the next several minutes trying to imitate the American's finger snapping trick, which she mistook for some strange American 'break your fingers before taking a trip' tradition. She had to wear two finger casts for the duration of the car ride.

The drive out of Orlando was completed mostly in silence, save the various wailings and gasps for breath coming from the two actors in the trunk. Neither Mikey nor Lily wanted to talk to the obviously imbalanced LilyMu fans, but they were also having trouble coming up with conversation starters between themselves. Finally, Mikey felt that his ears would collapse in on themselves from under use unless he started screaming at them to remain in place. He luckily came up with a better idea before he falsely accused his ear drums of succession.

"Y'know, I've been wondering… what kind of music is popular in America right now?" the American anime star asked. He had been subjected to nothing but J-Pop, J-Rap, J-rock, and J-lo for the past three years of his life. While he thought that music was okay and all, with the exception of J-rap, every so often he felt the need to listen to music where he didn't have to guess whether the lyrics were about happy rainbow power or a murder-suicide pact.

"Well I'm glad you asked! Motor, turn on the radio to our favorite station." Donko said with another quick snap. The living car began to receive a signal, and broadcasted the end of boat rental commercial before it was replaced by a DJ's voice.

"Hello, you're listening to Bagpipes USA! We're the number one choice out of the twelve other bagpipe exclusive stations in the Florida area alone! Coming up next, a favorite of mine: 'Master of Puppets' as played by Mad Willy and the Irish Setters!" the hip, young man on the radio announced. His voice was then drowned out in a sea of bleating horns that resembled nothing less than a herd of goats going through a meat grinder.

"Sing along!" Dosu said as he pulled out his trusty karaoke microphone, which contained absolutely no electronics. "Master! Master! Master of puppets is pulling the strings!"

"Exploding your mind and smashing your dreams!" came Gonard's evil voice from behind them. Then he passed out because he'd used up all the oxygen in the container.

"Blinded by me you can't see a thing!" XeonV joined in as the song continued its chorus, which was being sang with such a heavy accent that only a true fan could know the words. He was rocking our too hard though, and the top of his hood fell over his eyes so that he couldn't see.

"Just call my name and I'll hear you scream!" Donko squealed, and then the car began to spin out of control. Everyone in the car began to scream.

"Master! Master!" Mikey Simon called out for God to save him. Someone was listening to his plea, but unfortunately that someone was a grizzly bear with a steroid problem. It jumped in front of Motor and picked up the vehicle with both arms, and then flung it several miles away.

The car landed with a deafening 'thud' in front of a roadside eatery in Georgia. Motor was so frightened that he crapped himself; his trunk opened and the vending machine containing Guano and Gonard came flying out. Upon hitting the ground, the machine's front door miraculously popped open.

"Sweet, sweet air! At least one good thing came out of this car ride from hell." Guano said as he and Gonard poked their heads out of the open hatch and took in some much needed oxygen. Then Lily and Emerald fell out of the sky and slammed the door shut on them again.

"Curses!" Gonard yelled as it became apparent that the door wasn't going to be forced open again anytime soon, despite his ongoing efforts to go super saiyan and bust it down. Lily complied with the blue-haired actors' comment but saying every four letter word known to man, and several of which she invented on the spot.

"I know I might have said in the past that it'd be shameful for the leader of a clan to drive the car, but it'd be a lot less embarrassing than almost dying because a stray Mc. Donalds toy stabbed me in the freaking forehead!" Donko fumed as he pulled out a plastic Half-Life 2 'head crab' toy out of his skull. "From now on, me driving."

"Hey look, a restaurant! That near death experience sure gave me an appetite. I'm hungry like a mother qwarfer." Mikey said, using one of Lily's brand new swears. Then he patted his stomach and choked up a seat belt clip.

"Alright, alright. To take out minds off this tragic event, I'll treat us all to lunch." Donko generously replied. "And by 'treat' I mean I'll pass out the complementary mints. You're on your own for the rest."

So the cast of stars and the not-so-generous Black Wing Army entered Earl's Epicurean Eatery, a family restaurant built on a strong foundation of love and the slave labor of over one hundred leprechauns.

"Don't just leave me here; get me a mechanic!" Motor bellowed as his chassis sat smoking in the overgrown parking lot. Emerald neighed for a vet as well, but they had already been left behind. Left alone, they began to plot ways to bring down America's economy.

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"Welcome to Earls! I'm Joe, the founder and owner of this here shack." Said the jovial manager as the crew of hungry roadsters piled in. The wooden house was completely brown, because the owners had never felt the need to paint it. Joe himself was a very overweight man, because he never felt the need to diet. From the kitchen window one could see the many illegal leprechauns, because Joe never felt the need for the emancipation proclamation to take effect.

"Uh, if your names Joe, then whose Earl?" Lily asked as Joe stepped out from behind the counter, and it became obvious that he had never felt the need to wear pants either.

"Oh, Earl was the name of my best cow. Really intelligent little thing; taught me the true meaning of friendship. Why, back when I was younger, I entered 'im in a dog training and won first prize. He was my best friend." The proprietor said as he nonchalantly scratched his crotch. "He was also the best dinner I ever ate."

As Mitsuki vowed to become a vegetarian, Joe seated them at a 'table' that was more a plank of wood held up by pool sticks than an actual table. Also, following an unwritten restaurant rule, they were seated next to the only other people in the restaurant, a man and his wife that looked like they had the plague as well as other highly contractible diseases. Before Joe left to whip his slaves into working harder, he handed out some menu's that had hastily been written down on napkins.

"Wow, look at all the fork-i there give you here!" Mikey said as he stared in amazement at all of the forks that littered the table. Apparently, Joe couldn't afford spoons and knifes.

"Fork-i? What are you talking about?" Mitsuki asked as she looked up from her 'menu'. Currently, she was looking for whatever meal contained the least meat. So far the best she had found was the 'beef eater deluxe'.

"Fork-i: It's the plural of fork, Mitsuki." Mikey stated as Donko wrote down this very important information. "Just like the plural of pie is piiiiie."

As everyone at the over-crowded table groaned, and the table groaned because of the weight of so many fork-i, Joe came back from a serious beat-down in the kitchen to write down their orders.

"Alright then, what'll you have?" he asked after standing still and scratching himself for over two minutes while his customers waited for him to say something.

"What do you have that'll fit through a coin-slot?" Gonard asked from inside the vending machine. At this point, it was quite comfortable inside what with all the furniture Guano had gotten from Rooms-To-Go.

"I'll see if my *cough* hired help *cough* can turn bacon grease into a smoothie for ya. And what will the two missies be having?" Joe asked Mitsuki and Lily, who were both currently trying to escape out of a window.

"Uh, do you have anything that doesn't include meat?" an embarrassed Mitsuki asked as she sat back down in her seat. Lily, on the other hand, showed no signs of relenting as she continued to beat on the glass with a crowbar.

"Sorry, the closest thing I got is tomatoes, and I'm pretty sure they're made of chicken." The owner said as he wrote down an order of 'red chicken' on his handy dandy notebook. "And what will the other young lass be getting?"

"I'll be getting the hell out of here, if you don't mind." Lily said as she prepared to stick some plastic-explosives to the window. Mitsuki pulled her down into her chair before she could detonate them, and the blonde looked at her one-time-friend in annoyance. "Then I guess I'll have an order of the cutest animal you have."

"Alright! People don't order the bunny-rabbit in lamb sauce that often; I'll get my slaves right on your orders!" the disgusting man said as he finally left them alone, but not before shedding a large amount of hair on the table. Dosu's housewife training kicked in, and he took out a portable vacuum and began to clean the table.

"Y'know, he didn't bother to take our orders." XeonV said, feeling neglected and emo. He tried to cut himself with his large sword, but didn't have the manual dexterity to do so. Instead, he sliced off part of Donko's scalp.

"That's probably because you suck in every single way possible." Lily answered nonchalantly as the leader of the Black Arms ran to the bathroom to re-attach the top of his head with some duck tape. Dosu entertained the group with his own renditions of 'Number of the Beast' and 'Welcome to the Jungle', at least until he had a menu/napkin shoved into his mouth by everyone at the table.

By the time Donko's mortal injury had healed, the food was on the table. XeonV adjusted the 12-foot straws on Guano and Gonard's drink to fit through the slot, seeing as he had no food of his own to eat. Dosu continued to eat the delicious napkins his compatriots had so generously given him, and Donko thought that if he couldn't be full then he'd at least want to be drunk. He spent the next few minutes drawing a fake ID on a Lays potato chip.

Lily and Mitsuki had a face off to see who could enjoy their food more. The blue haired actress bit into her tomato voraciously, and her rival ripped off an undercooked rabbit ear and managed to choke it down. Meanwhile, Mikey wondered why he had been forgotten when he came time to order. He didn't want to believe that it was because he sucked in every single possible way.

"*COugH! HAAAacAK! ChOOkrHAYAacK!" the unidentified woman seated at the table behind Lily began to choke and gasp like a shark trying to breath in space. This seriously impeded the blond actress' attempts to devour her disgusting rabbit as fast as possible. She waited until the gagging had stopped, and then prepared to shove a leg into her mouth when it started up again. The woman and Lily repeated this action twelve additional times.

"Look! I know your choking and about to die or something, but that doesn't mean you have to ruin my meal too!" she finally turned around and roared at the deathly ill woman, who proceeded to cough in her face with all her might. The catfight that ensued lasted throughout the rest of Guano, Gonard, and Mitsuki's meal. Everyone else starved, and when the check came Donko made good on his promise to not pay for anything.

"Thank you, come again anytime you're in Georgia!" Joe said as he wished the LilyMu and Black Wing gang goodbye. Everyone who had previously been inside Motor took their original seats, and then Donko tried as hard as possible to run over Joe and _not_ make it look like an accident. After Joe turned out to be surprisingly fast for a fat man, Lily got on the horse and followed the others as they peeled out of the parking lot; Emerald peeled out pretty well for a horse.

"Well that was sure an… interesting experience." Mitsuki remarked as bagpipes continued to play over the radio, this time destroying the song 'When Worlds Collide' by Powerman 5000.

"I've got to say, for an American owned restaurant, that was surprisingly average." Mikey commented as he tried to make conversation whilst simultaneously trying to ignore the Black Wing's horrible singing.

"This has been the worst road trip ever. Nothing has made any sense all day!" Lily complained as she rode the green horse. Motor's windows were down, so everyone could hear her complaining.

"Oh by the way, have I showed any of you my sword's amazing ability to talk?" XeonV asked as he pulled out his blade once more, and Donko covered his head with his arms.

"Hello. My name is Excalipoor, and I'm such a sorry weapon that I can't even cut through plastic. Please just send me into a furnace and put me out of my misery." The sword began to randomly sob.

"God damn it! If one more thing starts talking, I'm going to go insane!" the super-pissed actress screamed at the top of her voice.

"You said it, girlfriend!" Emerald spoke up from underneath Lily.

And so Emerald ended up back in a trashcan, and Lily decided to ride on the roof for the rest of the ride. It took another entire day of driving to reach Iowa, during which Mikey, Mitsuki, Guano, and Gonard had many adventures with the Black Wing Army, but all of those adventures were really crappy and they wanted to forget about them as soon as possible. Especially the little 'crocodile attack' incident.

"Well, I hope you all have a good time at the convention tomorrow!" Donko said, the crocodile's jaws clamped over his head. The LilyMu crew were being dropped off in front the Corncob Inn.

"Wait, you mean you're not gonna stick around and continue to have horrible misadventures with us?" Mikey asked as he realized what Donko was saying in between all of the exclamations of pain.

"No, I've gotta get home before my parents start to wonder why I stole there car and traveled halfway across America without even leaving them a message. But hey, maybe we'll meet on the official LilyMu forum someday!" XeonV said hopefully, but not one of the cast members had been on the site in the previous two years.

"So for now, I guess this is goodbye." Dosu said, and an indescribably huge cheer went up from the LilyMu cast with enough intensity to wake the dead. But the dead had already been woken once recently, and they didn't feel like getting up. So they took a quick piss and then went back underground.

"You know, you could at least wait until we leave the parking lot to do that." Donko said with his hands held on his hips indignantly, the croc continuing to thrash above his head.

"Yeah, but then we wouldn't be hurting your feelings!" Mitsuki answered, too happy to realize that she was talking out loud. Their feelings hurt, the Black Wing Army got back inside Motor and drove off into the sunset. Then they were hit by a semi-truck, and their bodies were never found.

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Authors Notes: Happy belated chapter update day! As a Christmas gift to myself, I didn't write anything during December. But now I'm back! I know, I know. Most authors give their _readers _gifts for Christmas. But what can I say? I'm selfish.

I love this chapter, even though it took longer for me to write than any of the previous ones in this story. It ended up longer than I could have hoped for, and I put in all of the jokes I planned to use, some of which may need a little explaining. First off, 'Master of Puppets' is one of the greatest songs by one of the greatest bands ever, Metallica, and if you have not heard that song then you do not deserve to live. Period. I won't bother naming the bands who wrote the others songs; do a dang Wikipedia search!

This is the only time you will be seeing me in this story, albeit as a horse. I won't even try to explain that in-joke. Also, all the movies that Mikey mentioned earlier this chapter are considered some of the worst films of all time, which explains the cast's reaction. Oh, and I almost forgot: Motor was a member of the Black Wings Army for awhile, and XeonV does have a talking sword according to one fan fiction he wrote.

This will be the last you'll see of the Black Wing Army. So if you thought they took too much time away from the main cast in this chapter, or even hated them as much as the LilyMu cast, be happy with the fact they are all missing and presumed extremely dead. God, are those guys going to kill me when they read this chapter…

Fan Corner:

We've got two new reviewers! This time we've The Kicking Squierlador, who's page contains nothing but a link to this story! Way to advertise, friend! I look forward to seeing what you write in the future. The anonymous Commander Cat joins late for the party, and finally gives chapter one his review. Now chapter two is the only one that has yet to be reviewed. Poor, lonely number two. Repeat reviewers include Bkugn, his twin bro. Reio, and of course, General Shadow Wolfsbane. Thanks everyone; this chapter goes out to you!

Long live America! Read and review!


	8. Life In the Nation

**Kappa Mikey:**

Hit In The USA

"Life In the Nation"

By Emerald

"My name is Lieutenant Barbara. I am in charge of the Iowa 2009 Animosity Convention. You will refrain from bringing any weapons onto the premises, including those meant for self defense. In the event that your drinks have been contaminated with the 'rape drug', try not to pass out in front of an abnormally unattractive person." The host of the Iowa anime convention introduced herself.

The frightening woman was wearing her Army fatigues, despite being kicked out of the force two years ago for drug trafficking. Her face was aged far beyond its years, due to prolonged use of heroin, and her body shape could best be described as an hourglass that had been broken in two. That is to say, her torso was as tiny as an anorexic's, while her hips were as large as a bulimic's who'd forgotten the 'purge' part of the process.

"Dear lord… she's a bong with legs!" Mikey whispered to Gonard, perfectly describing the host's figure, though not in the kindest way. Lily grumbled as her assault rifle was confiscated and probably sold for drug money, and then the lieutenant noticed the vending machine that continued to contain Gonard and Guano. She hefted it up with both hands and began to shake the container violently.

"Stop! You're destroying the living room!" Guano protested as a large sofa hit the ceiling fan and exploded in a puff of feathers.

"No outside food or drink is allowed on the premise. I'm afraid you'll have to leave your angry snack foods outside." Barbara said as the purple director began to wish he'd bought accident insurance.

"We can't; our other two cast members are stuck inside!" Mitsuki explained as the lieutenant prepared to throw the machine into the convention hall's fireplace. Upon hearing this new information, she shrugged her shoulders and threw them into the fire anyway.

"Guano, I told you not to mess with the air conditioning!" Gonard admonished as he felt the temperature rise several hundred degrees instantly. Before the words had finished tumbling out of his mouth, the steal vending machine melted into a pool of liquid at their feet. After this, there was much rejoicing. After that, there was much burn treatment. Once the bandages had been applied, the cast began to head to the auditorium where they were to speak.

"Wow, there are sure a lot of chicks in here." Gonard pointed out what they had all noticed, as well as reveling in his regained eyesight. "This place is a total vagina-fest!"

"I didn't know girls in America cared about anything other than contracting STDs." Lily commented, her race-superiority rising to the surface once more. Mitsuki bit her tongue to keep from entering another argument, but she bit too hard and began to taste blood.

"Hey, where's the LilyMu booth at this place? I want to see what our Iowa fans are like." Guano said as he stretched his arms and legs for the first time in days, and the cast began to look around. Then a boney finger tapped the director on the shoulder, and he turned to see M.C. Death walking away with his thumb pointing to the flaming wreckage of what had once been a LilyMu booth.

"I think it's safe to say we have the worst fans ever." Mikey complained as he stared at the burning heap of cardboard. Behind him, a seven year old girl in a LilyMu t-shirt ran away crying. The cast spent a few more minutes wandering around, looking at all of the cool booths they wished belonged to them, and then they quit dreaming of a better future and sat down on the panel to await the traditional bombardment of questions.

"The questioning session will now begin. Remember, torture is only a liable method of information retrieval when the liberal media is not around to see it." Barbara cautioned the crowd, thinking she was still lecturing US soldiers in Iraq. After she was finished diving off the stage and looking for cover from an imaginary bombing, hundreds of squealing female anime fans rushed to the edge of the stage and began to chatter like squirrels.

"Gonard! Gonard! Say that you like Mikey Simon '_that way'_ in your LilyMu voice!" a random yaoi fan in the audience requested. Gonard, not knowing what 'that way' implied, decided to comply with the seemingly innocent request.

"I like Mikey Simon that way!" Gonard announced evilly, and half of the women in attendance had a simultaneous orgasm. Meanwhile, the blue haired actor's cast mates scooted their chairs far away from him.

"Mikey! Now say that you accept and return his feelings, in your heroic voice!" the fan asked after she had pulled herself off of the floor, where she had been knocked down by pure pleasure.

"What?" Mikey asked incredulously, unwilling to believe that such anime fans actually existed, and weren't just a scary bedtime story that Ozu had told him about.

"Make my fan fiction dreams come true!" another woman in the crowd asked, holding up a bursting volume full of nerd-writing.

"N-no." the American meekly replied. The auditorium grew deathly silent, and then all hell broke loose.

"Oh my God! Now the legions of hell are attacking Los Angeles!" someone in California shouted as demons poured out of a fiery pit, with Satan and Stan the Anti-Christ penguin leading the charge.

Meanwhile, the rest of Satan's demons had possessed the women at the Animosity convention and they were throwing corncobs at the cast as they ducked for cover from the home-grown assault.

"Mitsuki! Help me!" Mikey shook his friend's shoulders. But Mitsuki had drunk the complementary glass of water to wash down the blood in her mouth from earlier, and she was now completely incapacitated due to the effects of the rape drug. After much shaking, she fell over and collapsed in Mikey's arms.

At this point, the other half of the audience achieved their orgasm because they though they were witnessing something touching. But the yaoi fans were still furious, and they beginning to jump on stage and demand Guano to say things about Gonard's ass that should not be repeated.

"Alright, I've had enough! All you crazy bitches get back!" Lily said, taking out her emergency desert-eagle pistols and pointing them into the crowd. Lieutenant Barbara would have taken them away immediately, but she was busy having a fist-fight with an imaginary Hitler. "Guano, Gonard, run to the exit. Mikey, take Mitsuki and follow them. I'll hold off these hoes."

Mikey loaded the blue-haired actress onto his shoulder like a nap-sack and looked back at Lily, giving her a thumbs up. Then he ran and followed his fellow actors as they made their daring escape out a pressurized air-lock. Once Lily was sure the others had gotten away safely, she began to grin sadistically.

"You'll get no mercy from me, you all-American sluts!" Lily said as the zombie-like crowd gathered around her. Still smiling, she dropped the two guns and chose to fight with her fists and nails alone.

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Back at the Corncob Inn, the rest of the cast had forgotten to make sure Lily got out of the convention hall alive. They were about to send Guano back to find out when the furious blonde stormed into the entrance with an ear of corn lodged in her eye socket. She pulled it out and threw it, hitting Mikey in the head for no real reason.

"Why does everything we do end with us getting attacked by angry mobs?! What's wrong with you all?!" she bellowed, pulling out the corn and throwing it, hitting Mikey in the head for no real reason.

"Y'know, after so long you need to start wondering if the problem is actually yourself." Mikey quipped, adding more intensity lines to the actresses face. He would never know how close he came to death at that instant.

"Hold up guys, I'm getting a call from Ozu." Gonard said, holding up a sandwich to his ear. Meanwhile, Guano's cell phone rang and it really was Ozu on the other side of the line. On the other side of Gonard's line there was just some pickles.

"Thank god you called Ozu; we need cash bad!" the director pleaded with his father while Gonard got in an argument with the mustard in his 'phone'. Guano turned on the speakerphone so everyone else could hear the conversation.

"I'm sorry, but I will not do that. While I have been released from prison, after generously bribing those in charge of the legal system, you must complete a certain task for me before I will help you." The producer of LilyMu explained, his voice even hoarser than usual.

"You don't sound good Ozu, are you feeling all right?" Mitsuki asked, still caring about the welfare of her boss despite the fact that he was refusing to fund the trip that he had sent them on.

"Yes, I am suffering from a bout of bronchitis… brought on by smoking crack." Ozu explained himself, and the cast looked at each other worriedly.

"HE SAID HE WOULD STOP!" Yes-man's voice could be heard in the background. A television set being thrown at the sycophant was heard immediately afterwards.

"Bottom line is this: the last episode of LilyMu you created ended in a cliffhanger. You will now shoot the continuation in America. Do so or you will not be able to reach your next convention, and I will not be able to resist my urge to fire you all." Their boss unloaded a bombshell on them, though luckily not a real bomb this time.

"But we don't have any equipment! No cameras, no costumes, no megaphone for me to shout orders into!" Guano hyperventilated in his stuffy purple costume. Gonard and Mikey franticly fanned him with ceiling fan blades they had stolen from the roof.

"Do not worry; I am air-lifting Yoshi over to you as we speak." Ozu promised them. One second later, Yoshi crashed through the ceiling along with fifty pounds of video equipment. "Be aware, I am still on a tight budget and cannot afford luxury flights."

"Finally, an acting job in America! And Nickelodeon said I would never make it." Mikey commented, remembering his failed audition for the role of Sponge Bob.

"Yes, well don't mess this up! I have only sent you enough film for one take." Ozu finished. Then he hung up, cutting off something Yes-man yelled about needing to go to the hospital. Guano tried to take charge of the situation before everyone began to panic. Unfortunately, he himself had already begun to run screaming around the room. He quickly got a hold of himself, and then addressed his actors.

"Alright guys, we don't have that long. I'll whip up a script while you guys try to wake up Yoshi. When I'm done, we'll go to that cornfield we passed on the way through. Got it?" the midget questioned his team. They all nodded their heads in agreement and took out sticks with which to poke Yoshi with.

"Uh, we can't just let you hang out in the front reception all day, y'know." The manager of the corncob inn stated after it had became apparent that the cast were not going to be renting a room again.

"Shut up!" Lily shouted, throwing Yoshi's comatose body at him.

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"LilyMu!"

Mikey Simon and the nefarious Gonard were squaring off in cornfield three hundred and eight; they had been counting them during the drive. Both actors were in their costumes, and a still-groggy Yoshi was manning the camera off-screen.

"You may have followed me back to America, Mikey Simon! But you have fallen straight into my trap! For you see, this is not just an ordinary cornfield, filled with delicious, sweat, golden…." At this point, the villain broke down and began to eat the contents of the field. Guano threw a potato at his head, and Gonard got back into character. "This is a mutant cornfield! Filled with mutant! Corn!"

"Sorry there Gonard, but I've got the home field advantage." Mikey countered, pulling out the Kappa-baseball bat. In actuality, it was just a baseball bat that they'd bought for five dollars in a gift shop and painted blue.

The camera panned to a view of the cornfield swaying in the breeze. Mitsuki was laying down in the field and clearly visible, throwing corny projectiles at the recording device.

"Oh no!" Mikey said, attempting to dodge the bullets, yet somehow managing to get hit in the crotch by every single one. Mitsuki could be heard apologizing off-camera.

"Ha ha ha! Ha! Ha ha! Hee hee! Ha ha! Ho ho ho!" Gonard took his evil laughter a bit too far while he tried to remember his lines. Then he remembered there was a teleprompter, and began to read off of it. Then he remembered that he couldn't read without his glasses, and he decided to make up the lines as he remembered them. "I like hamsters!"

There was an awkward pause as the scene lingered on Gonard as he tried to think of anything else brilliant to say, and then the camera swung over to capture a shot of the other three actors running to Mikey's rescue.

"Don't worry, Mikey, we're here to help!" Mitsuki shouted ran towards the video recorder, Guano saying name afterwards. Then Lily ran into them both and they knocked over Yoshi and the camera.

During the time that the grass was being filmed while Guano struggled to lift up the tripod, Mikey and Gonard had a climactic battle that lasted several minutes. None of which were caught on tape. Eventually Mitsuki had to pick up the camera and film the rest herself.

"You win this round, Simon! And you'll probably win the round after that! In fact, you've won almost every single round we've ever fought! Wow, I'm depressing myself! I'm going back to Tokyo!" the villain yelled, and then stormed off towards a tractor and drove off. "I like hamsters!"

"I'll make you eat those words!" Mikey said his final line, though it made absolutely no sense considering what Gonard had ad-libbed.

"Cut!" Guano shouted, and Yoshi quit recording just as their limited amount of film ran out. The rest of the cast stood around and tried to think of the most polite thing to tell Guano about the episode. After several moments of silence, during which none of them could think of anything good to say, Guano had an outburst. "Yes, I know its crap! But I'm working on a tight schedule here! And if our fans didn't complain about that horrible 'karaoke' episode, then I doubt they'll stop watching LilyMu just because of this."

"I liked the part with the hamsters!" Gonard pointed out enthusiastically.

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"Eight hundred, nine hundred, one thousand!" Guano counted the money that Ozu gave them for creating the new episode. He had sent the money the traditional way; by strapping it to the back of Yes-man and firing him out of a cannon.

"I'VE MISSED YOU ALL!" Yes-man shouted as he waved his arms happily in the air, ignoring the hotel manager who was complaining about who would pay for the two holes in the ceiling.

"That's great." Lily said, taking the money and counting it over and over again. She began to think about all the clothes, hats, shoes, and weapons of mass destruction she could buy with it.

"OZU HAS GONE CRAZY! ALWAYS WITH THE DRUGS AND THE SMOKING AND THE INJECTING!" the shouter continued, holding up joints and bags of heroin to make his point clear.

"That's great." Mikey replied, taking the money from Lily and imagining all the hobos he could pay to shine his shoes.

"WHY ARE YOU ALL IGNORING ME!?" Yes-man finally screamed, desperately wanting attention.

"That's great." Gonard said, taking the money and attempting to shove it in his mouth. Mitsuki intercepted this though, and their money remained safely on the outside of the blue haired actor's body.

"FINE, I'LL GO BACK NOW!" the sycophant announced, storming out the front door of the hotel with no means to get back to Tokyo. "I HOPE YOU ALL GET FIRED!"

"That's great." Guano deadpanned, taking the money back and handing out two hundred dollars to each cast mate. When asked later, none of the cast remembered that Yes-man was ever there. "Alright, we're never going to make it to every convention in time at this rate. We'll have to split up into teams and go to them separately."

"But who's going to be going where?" Mitsuki questioned, serving little purpose as the director was just about to get to that part.

"I'll be going to the convention in Massachusetts with Gonard. Mikey, Mitsuki, you'll be going to Ohio together." At this, the blue haired actress gave out a slight squeal of happiness. The hotel manager thought the noise came from a mouse, and began to stalk the hotel grounds with a hatchet in search of any rodents. "Lily, you'll be on your own in Maryland."

"Why am I by myself?" Lily asked indignantly, but considering she currently hated everyone in the cast she shouldn't have complained.

"Because frankly you've become even scarier than normal since we came to America. Okay then; we'll set up camp here, and go our separate ways come morning." Guano announced, and on that note the LilyMu crew set up their tents in the hotel lobby.

"Hey, you can't do that!" the hotel manager complained after he had given up searching for the imaginary mouse.

"Shut up!" Lily screamed, throwing at lit campfire at him.

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Authors Notes: Holy crap! Another chapter, and this one is actually right on schedule?! When did it become 2012? I'm on a role now, people. These last two chapters are some of the best I've ever wrote, in my opinion. I'm hoping you're enjoying this wild ride as much as I am, if not more.

This chapter features the third appearance of M.C. Death, as well as the first appearance of two other 'Hell-Yeah' characters, Satan and Stan the Anti-Christ. Originally, my Emo Jesus character was also in this story, but I thought there were already too many religious references in this chapter.

If you watch Kappa Mikey for any length of time, you'll see that it has a very strong 'anime fans suck' mentality to it. It's hard to think of one time when a LilyMu fan is portrayed in a positive light. I am merely continuing this trend in my convention scenes. By no means am I implying that all female anime fans act this way. I'm just having fun with a stereotype, girls. Anyways, I could go on and on about how I came up with certain jokes and who the hell the bong lady is, but you'll have to wait until this series is released on DVD with director's commentary. Only $39.99, folks!

Fan Corner:

LilyMu's fans may suck, but mine sure don't! Another positive review from General Shadow Wolfs Bane, followed by Bkugn and another Kicking Squirelador! Not much to say here this time, except that this series is nearing it's completion. Just four more chapters to go! I've finished writting chapter 9, so right now I'm on the final stretch. Will I write more Kappa Mikey fanfictions after this? Only time will tell...

Long live America! Read and review!


	9. Bang! Bang!

**Kappa Mikey**

Hit In The USA

"Bang! Bang!"

By Emerald

"Oh my god, a flesh eating squirrel is attacking me!" Guano shouted as he tried in vain to pull the cuddly, yet deadly, mammal from his chest. He ran around the harbor and slammed his body into various hard objects, attempting to dislodge his assailant. He did more damage to himself by doing this, because the squirrel was smart enough to scurry onto the furry man's back before he ran face first into a wall.

"Don't worry, Guano! I'll save you!" Gonard assured his director, taking out a high-powered crossbow and aimed the arrows at the attacker as it attempted to devour the poor little man's skull. He fired six shots, missing the squirrel by a mile and sinking twelve boats by accident. How he hit twelve boats with six bullets, Gonard did not know.

"He's trying to steal my eye balls!" the frenetic anime star shrieked as furry firsts jabbed into his sockets. Abandoning arrows, Gonard stole a fishing rod from one of the many boats on display at the dock. He cast the line expertly, latching onto the squirrel's back and yanking him off with enough force to fling the furry creature into the mouth of a waiting shark. Its patience having been rewarded, the carnivorous fish swam away to terrorize the local beach.

"To be fair, you probably shouldn't have kicked him when he started humping your leg. He was just being friendly." Gonard said as his fellow actor wrapped himself in bandages. "Admit it, you look a lot like a fat squirrel."

"Gonard, we just barely survived a Massachusetts anime convention filled with people that would do much worse than that to us if we gave them the chance. I'm not taking crap from nobody today. Let's just rent a boat and get some fishing done." After he had treated his wounds by taping plywood to the cuts, Guano accompanied Gonard as he walked towards a salesman who was busy trying to sell a $500,000 yacht to a homeless couple. And he was succeeding.

"All you gotta do is pay 1% mortgage!" the chain-smoking salesmen explained to the couple whose clothes were made out of banana peels. "Until two years later when it rises to 99%"

"What was the last thing you said?" the unshaved man asked, as he had not heard the last sentence because it was said with the velocity of a professional speed reader.

"I said if you act now I'll drop the rate to .05%!" the salesman took a long drag on his cigarette and smiled. The eyes of the couple lit up as if they had just heard that the rapture was approaching.

"We'll take it!" they said, handing the man their down payment of two cents. They then jumped into their boat and motored off into the sunset. After the two Japanese were done watching the economy go even further down the crapper, they walked up to the smooth talking man.

"Excuse me, we are in the market to buy one of your finest water transportation vehicles. Do you have any reed boats in stock?" Gonard asked in his most sophisticated manner. The man who worked at Dales' Big-Ass boats looked at them like they were insane, which was slightly accurate.

"No, I'm afraid I chopped up my last 'reedy' for firewood. But you two don't seem like the kind of fellows that would need to travel in such… mediocrity. What famous explorers like you need is a nice big submersible!" Dale said as he pointed towards a submarine that was tucked in between two boats. The submarine looked like any normal submarine, but it looked strange next to the big boats around it.

"World famous explorers? Mr. Dale, are you trying to seduce me?" Guano asked alluringly. While Dale accidentally choked and swallowed his cigarette, the director gave a hand signal to Gonard.

"We'll take it!" Gonard said as he broke into the submarine and began to hotwire the engine. Before the owner of the store could protest, or even properly breath, Guano hit him over the head with a seagull. He then joined his partner in crime as they stole the submersible.

"Alright! I wasn't sure committing grand theft would be such a good idea, but it turned out damn fine!" Guano shouted, starting up the engine. As the lights in the cabin , or what passes for a cabin in a submersible, came on, there was a loud humming. But it wasn't the humming of machinery. It sounded like a human voice. The captain dismissed it as nothing more than his recurring dementia problem, and drove out into open water.

"Now to begin our harrowing adventure in the Superior Lake!" Gonard said, looking at the GPS as if he knew what it was for. He randomly pressed buttons in an attempt to seem helpful, and the sub began to respond by diving lower. "I wonder how this Jee-Pee-Ess thing works. Probably magic."

"GPS stands for Global Positioning system. It works by utilizing three satellites that send out signals, each containing it's time and location, that the GPS can read. The area three signals meet in is where the GPS receiver is located." A mysterious and helpful voice came from somewhere in the sub.

"Jesus, we've been boarded!" Guano yelled, looking all around the sub to see if any super-intelligent orangutans had snuck on board.

"We don't want yer fancy learnin'!" Gonard shouted, spontaneously developing a country accent as well as a cowboy hat.

"It was me, Geoffrey the talking Submarine! I felt the presence of a man and an overweight squirrel and booted myself up" the voice, which they now noticed was slightly metallic, announced. Indeed, it was coming from a speaker next to Guano's head. Guano was now holding that ear in pain because the voice had blown out his ear drum. "I was created to help stupid people, like yourselves, to learn things in a fun and interesting way."

"Fun and interesting? Will there be strippers!?" Gonard asked expectantly, remembering Miami Beach.

"Uhh, no." Geoffrey deadpanned, and both Gonard and Guano sighed sorrowfully.

"Well we don't need your help we know exactly what we're doing. We're heading out into the deep waters of the Lake Superior." Guano said, steering the underwater craft past various fish and sea life.

"Oh really? What do you know about Lake Superior then?" the computer AI asked its two passengers. The two Japanese stars thought for a few moments and the Jeopardy theme music began to play throughout the compartment.

"Well, I'm not exactly positive, but I think it involves water." Gonard answered. Geoffrey would have shook his head in amusement, if he had a head. Instead, he swung his periscope left-to-right.

"No, no, no. Well, yes. But more importantly, Lake Superiors is the largest of the three great lakes." the computer began.

"And the most superior too, am I right?" Gonard interjected hopefully.

"Umm, sure. It is also the coldest, and deepest, of the great lakes. In fact, it is 1,332 feet deep, to be exact." Geoffrey explained in detail. The enthusiasm in its voice was actually quite interesting to listen to. In fact, it was too interesting. So focused on the voice, Guano didn't notice that he had slammed into a fish.

"Ah crap, I think I just hit a dolphin." The director said as he looked for windshield wiper blades that did not exist.

"Highly unlikely, for you see, dolphins do not live in Lake superior. Some fish that DO are the Lake Trout, Brook Trout, Brown Trout, Rainbow trout…" Geoffrey unnecessarily explained.

"What's with all the trout? Aren't there any fish that DON'T suck?" Guano asked insensitively

"Yes, over 60 in fact. For example, the one you have hit is a lake sturgeon. It looks nothing like a dolphin, so I really have no clue why you would call it one." Whereas they had been interested before, the crew was just annoyed this time. As the intelligent sub continued to talk about such interesting information as 'sea-floor spreading', the found the mute switch and pressed it so hard that it broke. Geoffrey's non-existent mouth was shut permanently.

"I'm bored. When are we going to find these new life-forms that you told me about? I'm dying to cast my line into this water." Gonard said, though how he planned to fish while in a submarine is anyone's guess.

"For the last time, I never told you we'd find new life forms. And all I've seen so far is that giant sperm whale with wings." The 'captain' said, pointing to a huge mammal off in the distance. He did a double-take, and stared in amazement at the freak of nature. Suddenly, Geoffrey came back online.

"According to the internet, Adult males grow to be about 50-60 feet long, weighing about 40-50 tons. Their name comes from the oil they produce, spermaceti, which was used as wax in olden times." the talking sub explained unhelpfully.

"But they don't normally have large, eagle-like wings, do they?" Guano asked sarcastically as the whale did an underwater somersault; the you-tube video of this feat would go on to receive a million hits in the coming months.

"I don't see that anywhere on the internet. But what can I say? Evolution is a strange and wondrous thing. You can never know what you'll find at the bottom of a body of water. Under the sea…" The sub began to sing a really terrible song, but luckily those three words were the only ones it knew.

"I fail to see how wings could be a natural advantage to an underwater creature." Guano replied, and then he watched as the whaleagle swooped out of the water and into the air. When it came back down, it had three pelicans in its mouth.

"Wow, a winged, carnivorous, sperm whale! I bet that'll be tasty!" Gonard exclaimed as he took a loaf of bread and a fishing pole. When he looked up from his tackle box, he saw nothing but darkness through the front window. With stunned silence, partly caused by the fact that his mouth was full of bread, he realized the whale had swallowed them! Guano screamed something about being to sexy to die as the submersible landed safely on the tongue, and the whale continued its journey. After a few minutes of alternately fearing for their lives and wondering whether or not to destroy Geoffrey, who would not shut up about whale's digestive systems, the whaleagle finally entered an underwater tunnel.

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"Ahh, Mr. Bubbly! What have you brought me today?" a man with a middle-eastern accent asked as the winged whale stuck its head out of the water. The tunnel ended in a large, open cavern full of plenty of air, where the man had been hiding out for quite some time.

The whale opened its mouth, and the submersible holding Guano and Gonard fell onto the comparatively dry land. The two crawled out of the wreckage, and stood up before the stranger, who looked at them quizzically. After the director was done kissing the ground, he got up the nerve to ask who the stranger was.

"Who are you?" he asked, looking at the man. The foreigner was dressed in white-robes and a turban, and his beard was longer than any of the guys from ZZ Top combined.

"My name is Osama Bin Laden. But you can call me Bill!" the terrorist replied, extending his hand for a shake. When both of the actors declined, Bill shrugged and put his arm down. "That's pretty smart of you. My hand is rigged to explode upon contact."

"Osama's full name is Osama bin Muhammad bin 'Awad bin Laden." A pained voice cried out.

"Shut up, Geoffrey!" Guano shouted at the machine.

"How long have you been underneath Canada?" Gonard asked, having logically thought that the infamous 9/11 mastermind would have been somewhere that actually made sense. Scarier than the fact that a known terrorist was hiding in Canada was the fact that Gonard actually knew about him.

"A couple years now. You stupid Americans have just been looking in the wrong caves. Would you like some tea?" he said, pouring a blood-red liquid into a cup. The two once again refused. "Good call; I laced it with poison."

"Is there any way out of this place?" Guano asked, looking in the direction the cool air was blowing. He could not see an exit, however.

"I'm afraid not. It's too bad, too. I finally find a nice, safe place where I can create the ultimate weapon of mass destruction, and now I can't get out of here and use it on you filthy Americans!" Bill said as he drank some non-poisoned tea. Guano was about to point out that neither he nor Gonard were American when Osama pointed towards the left hand corner of the cave, where another giant sperm whale sat. A giant radioactivity sticker was attached to its side.

"What the heck is that thing?" Gonard shouted, staring at an ordinary cockroach on the cave flooring, his voice causing several stalactites to fall from the ceiling and hit him on the head.

"It's a radioactive, nuclear whale bomb. Basically, it's just an ordinary whale that I found deep in these waters, and I fed it various radioactive substances and missiles that I'd brought along with me. Mr. Bubbly was the prototype, but he only grew wings and is not nearly as combustible." Osama replied

"I get it now! You planned to drop your whale bomb on America! Well, I won't let you get away with it! I'll destroy your deadly whale bomb, even if it means destroying part of Canada as well!" Gonard shouted patriotically as he ran over to the sleeping whale, forgetting that he was Japanese. Bill and Guano shouted for him to stop, but it was too late.

"Long live America!" Gonard shouted, and then he kicked the whale in the side. Immediately, the mammal began to grow red-hot, and smoke came out of its blow hole.

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In a Canadian military base, which unbelievably do exist, a man ran up to his commanding officer.

"Sir! The area surrounding Lake Superior has been destroyed by what appears to be an atomic bomb! The only people who could have so heartlessly attacked us are the Americans!" the man stammered quickly, wanting to get the conversation over quickly because he had to go to the bathroom.

"Send out all troops! Death to America!" the commander said, creating some all-too necessary conflict. Canada hadn't had any excitement since the 'Celebration of Yeast' seven months ago.

"But sir, Canada only has ten troops. There's no way we could pull of an operation like that." The man answered quizzically.

"Is that fact, or did you just pull that number out of your ass?" the commander asked honestly. It was truthfully only his first day on the job.

"Straight out the buttocks, sir." The soldier replied with a sharp salute.

"Fine then! Send the Americans… a very mean letter!" the cruel and indescribably evil Canadian military leader announced, and his plan was immediately sent into motion. The order was carried out, and president Obama cried a little when he read the letter. But other than that, no one was harmed. Except the people whose houses were destroyed by the explosion. They kinda got screwed.

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Authors Notes: *spoilers* Of course Gonard and Guano didn't die. I'm not the script assassin, am I? You'll have to wait until a later chapter to see how they got out of this one. If I was nice person, I would tell you right now. But if I was a nice person, I'd also update this dang story more than once every few months.

This chapter was written a while ago, after the writing of chapter four I believe. Once I had the idea, I just had to get it finished immediately. So here's another action-packed chapter in the same vein as the last week's Lily Mu episode. Next chapter will be a long'un, and I won't ruin the surprise of who will be in it. You'll have to read it to find out.

Fan Corner:

The reviews for chapter 8 have been counted, and it seems I have another winner on my hands! General Shadow Wolfsbane has nightmares about the Bong lady, the Kicking Squirelador owns a rabies infested squirrle that no one will take off his hands, and Reio still doesn't have an actual account but enjoys my story anyways. That all for today's Fan Corner! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have fifty separate parties in my own honor. Hey, Obama can do it; why can't I?

Long live America! Read and review!


	10. Sad Symphony

**Kappa Mikey**

Hit In The USA

"Sad Symphony"

By Emerald

"I can't believe it; the convention didn't end with an angry mob!" Mitsuki exclaimed between sips of her Slurpee. Both she and Mikey had finished their duty at the hastily-converted cracker factory, and had hitched a ride with a flock of lost seagulls to Cleveland. "They were so calm, and they didn't even ask questions. I wonder why?"

"Umm, maybe your natural beauty rendered them speechless?" Mikey ventured, his voice not sounding completely honest. They were currently walking around Cleveland, heading for Mikey's old home and his waiting parents.

"Really?" the actress didn't speak so much as squeak, and a stray hamster quickly ran up to her thinking she needed a mate. The furry rodent, realizing he wouldn't be able to reach her pants let alone get into them, scurried away in a huff.

"Sure." Mikey said, and then gave a not-so-subtle cough. "And maybe the fact that I drugged the water supply."

"What?" Mitsuki asked incredulously, her happiness popping like a balloon that had floated too high, got caught in a jet's intake, and brought the plane down in the Hudson River.

"Yeah, I got the idea when they drugged you at the last convention. Turn about is fair play, Mitsuki." He answered, reading from a book of cliqued phrases he had got from a convenience store.

"So that's why you wouldn't let me drink anything there..." Mitsuki recalled being body shoved out of the way of the water fountain numerous times, in creative fashions. Once, the orange haired actor had disguised himself as a cell-phone and tried to convince her to buy a Verizon-wireless phone instead of taking a drink. Strangely enough, it had worked. And now Mitsuki was the proud owner of a piece of cardboard decorated to look like a phone.

"Sorry about that, but the end justified the mean." Mikey read off another quip from the text. His $15.00 purchase thereby justified, the volume was thrown up and into someone's chimney. A little boy could barely be discerned asking 'Santa'?

"I was starting to cough up blood!" she answered, remembering her throat being so dry that it could have been set on fire by the brush of a gnat.

"I already said sorry. And I did get you that Slurpee at 7-11 afterwards, remembers?" Mikey replied, remembering his favorite 'open 7.00am to 11.00pm' convenience store. Admittedly, the chain had made a mistake in the past when it started opening two hours later. That had been... very politically incorrect. It was a wonder the place didn't close down at the beckoning of all the protestors.

"Yeah, that's true." Mitsuki conceded, taking another long gulp of the cherry flavored slush. Then her head began to pound as brain freeze set in. She had only herself to blame; a health warning was clearly printed on the side of the translucent cup.

"WARNING: Brain freeze will occur." It read, and then went on to continue, "Do not take if you are pregnant, hoping to be become pregnant, or just trying to get a guy to notice you. Addiction has been known to occur in 99.9% of all test subjects. Ask a doctor before drinking Slurpee brand sh-….slush."

"I wonder how my parents have been without me? They always seem to be out somewhere when I call them. It's like their having all the fun they couldn't when they were raising me." Mikey said it jokingly, but something about this struck his traveling companion in a strange way. Before she could comment, the actor's attention had already been shifted to the cows that lined the farms that stood all around them.

Silence hung over the two for a handful of minutes, Mikey watching cows and wondering why the males didn't have udders as they did in all the cartoons, Mitsuki trying to guess what her crush's parents would be like.

'Mikey is taking me to meet his parents.' Mitsuki thought silently to herself. The more she thought about it, the brighter she blushed. She knew it wasn't like that, but it was fun to pretend. Not for the first time she wondered if she and Mikey's friendship would ever become… more.

The quit was broken when a crazy redneck flew overhead in a bi-plane, shouting about 'danged flying Japanese men'. He had a yes-man shaped hole in one wing, and both actors could do nothing but stare as the plane touched down in a wheat field. After it had landed safely, it promptly exploded.

"Things sure seem to explode a lot in America." Mitsuki stated a fact she had seen multiple times since coming to the country. A day had not passed without the need to duck shrapnel.

"It's true. People can blame Osama and terrorists as much as they like when their Fords and SUV's go up in flames, but eventually you have to start wondering if the problem is on the production end." Mikey said, and in a cave under Canada, Osama thanked Allah that someone knew it wasn't him tipping all those SUV's over. After his brief showing of intelligence, the actor immediately and accidentally crashed into a deer.

"Hey Mikey, I've got an idea!" Mitsuki exclaimed suddenly, jolting her crush out of his deer-induced slumber.

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And so Mikey and Mitsuki rode the deer the rest of the way to the farm home that had once housed the American actor, and continued to hold his family. Mitsuki took it all in with a wide-sweep of the area. It was a simple plot of land, adorned with a simple cottage. The white-washed building sat on the outskirts of the Cleveland area, and the tall skyscrapers that comprised the actual city could be seen in the distance.

By the time Mitsuki realized that she was thinking about all of this in far too much detail, the deer reared up and dropped them on the ground. Mikey lent her a hand to stand back up, and then he eagerly raced to the front door. Jogging lightly to catch up, the actress was there when Mikey knocked on the door. No answer came the first time, and he knocked again.

"Mom, Dad! I'm home!" the son shouted, eagerly anticipating the answer he was sure would come. When it remained silent, save the sound of news vans rushing to the scene of the bi-plane crash, Mikey tried to use the door knob. The door opened with a creak, and the two crept inside the room.

The lights were still on, and that's the only thing that stopped Mitsuki from thinking she had stumbled into some lost room from "The Shining". Before she could look around to see if the word 'REDRUM' was written on the living room walls, Mikey shouted for his parents again.

"Gerald! Cheryl? Where are you?" Mikey asked aloud, stirring up nothing other than a family of platypuses that made their home in the hollow of the walls. Before the actor could repeat his call, and before the father platypus could decide to take an axe to the obnoxious young man's head, another voice cut through the shack.

"Welcome home, son!" Gerald Simon's voice rang out, coming from the kitchen. With a laugh, Mikey attempted to leap over the couch and into the kitchen. When he didn't judge his jump-height correctly, knocked the sofa down and accidentally set it on fire with a lamp, Mitsuki was forced into trying to put out the flames while the excited kid ran to his parents.

"We're sorry we couldn't be there to welcome you home, but some pressing business came up in Canada that we just couldn't ignore." said the voice on the recording, playing on an answering machine that sat on the empty dinner table. "It seems that their government has been tipped off that Osama Bin Laden may be hiding in an underground cave there."

"We don't know why they chose us to investigate," now the voice was that of Cheryl Simon, cheery as usual, "but we just couldn't refuse the opportunity to disappoint you again."

"You'll be laughing about this someday, son. Or at least talking to a counselor about it. So until we get called to one of your therapy sessions, bye bye!" the recording ended. When Mikey inspected the machine, and by 'inspected' I mean slammed it against the table top in a fit of rage, he saw that it was set to play the recorded message every ten minutes.

"Mikey, what's wrong?" Mitsuki asked, storing her handy-dandy fire extinguisher back in one of her pockets. The fire had been successfully put out, and it had luckily spread to no other rooms, just her clothes. She was rubbing her back against the wall to put out the last remnants of the blaze when Mikey walked back in, very dejectedly. She decided to put off her question of whether it was even possible for a couch filled with Styrofoam to explode.

"They're not here." Mikey answered, his voice low and depressed. He opened his mouth to speak again, but nothing came out.

"Oh, Mikey…" Mitsuki commiserated with her dear friend. She put a comforting hand on his shoulder and-

"SURPRISE!" came a shout from their left, and the bedroom door swung opened to reveal two very happy parents. Gerald was a slightly overweight man with a slightly balding scalp, as well as a slightly noticeable lack of a neck. Mrs. Simon looked more like her son, with bright orange hair that fell below her shoulders and a fashion sense that could best be described as 'animal rights activists worst nightmare'; there wasn't a piece of her attire that had not been walking, flying, or swimming at one time.

"You tricked me!" Mikey accused them after they'd shared a thirty second long family hug, which Mitsuki had been excluded from.

"Hey, you're back in America now. You're not the 'King of Pranks' anymore!" Mr. Simon said, and then proceeded to do the exact same dance Mitsuki had seen Mikey do after he pranked someone.

"So who's this hot piece of ass you've got with you, Mikey? You're girlfriend?" Cheryl asked in what was probably the most un-motherly comment ever. Mitsuki didn't know whether to blush or be offended, so she took the middle ground and settled for turning red with annoyance.

"That's Mitsuki. She's a very close friend of mine from Japan." Their son explained, the female in question's head swelling with happy at being called a 'very close friend'.

"Funny you've never mentioned her before on your messages. You always used to be talking about some 'Lily' girl." Gerald mentioned, deflating the Japanese girl's head almost immediately.

"Hey, where's the air pump for this thing?" Mrs. Simon questioned as she searched the back of Mitsuki's pants for the basketball pump that was doing such odd things to the young woman's head. Mitsuki had to quickly back away before she was strip-searched in the living room. "Sorry, force of habit; I used to work in an airport."

"And I used to work!" Mikey's father exclaimed with a hardy sailors laugh that brought tears to his eyes. His old fisherman uniform still hung in the closet, proving that Mikey hadn't been too far off when he'd hired a video game pirate to pose as his father back in Japan.

"So that thing about the Canadian government needing your help was just a joke, right?" Mitsuki asked, trying to get caught back up with the events that had transpired. Between the barrage of jokes and violations of her privacy, it was hard to tell what was going on.

"No, they really wanted us to go there." Cheryl answered with a wave of her hand. "But come on, what are the chances that Osama is hiding under Canada, eh?"

"Okay, on to more serious matters: how's our rich and famous son doing?" Gerald asked, putting special emphasis on 'rich'. Mitsuki wasn't sure, but she almost thought she could see dollar signs in the middle-aged man's eyes.

"Huh?" Mikey wondered what his father was implying, his mind working at the pace of a snail that has been told 'don't worry; you just take as long as you need to get to that finish line. And if you need to take a nap, don't sweat it.'

"Hey, we've spent all of your inheritance. Could you spare a few million dollars for your old folks?" Mrs. Simon asked forthright, all semblance of subtly thrown out the window along with the care for their son's well-being.

"I think you've got the wrong idea. I may be famous in Japan, but I don't get paid that much." Mikey stated. In fact, he probably should have read his contract a bit more carefully before signing it. But 'just enough money to survive on' had been a quite tempting offer three years ago. "Almost all the money I have is spent on room and board."

"So you're saying that your famous, but not rich." his father clarified, his tone deathly serious. The happy-go-lucky mood that had permeated the home only minutes before dissipated immediately to be replaced with an icy coldness.

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"I can't believe they kicked you out!" Mitsuki cried, stunned at the suddenness in which they were ejected from the household. She was still coming to terms with the fact that his parents had only welcomed him home so nicely because they thought that he would be giving out money. Mikey didn't say anything for a long time, his eyes fixed on some point far out in the distance, mind reeling like a snail that had been told 'if you don't move your ass then I'm going to sprinkle salt all over you!'

"I knew it was too good to be true; my parents had never cared about me before I became a famous actor. I thought they were just proud of what I'd become, but I guess all they wanted was my money." He said with a sigh, sitting down at the side of the road. Mitsuki sat down next to him on the grass, not knowing exactly what to say.

"It… it must be a pretty big surprise." She finally answered, staring ahead so as not to see her friend's troubled face. Still, she could sense Mikey shrug beside her.

"Not as much as you might think. My father was always giving me advice that would subtly lead to my death." Mikey admitted, and then began to do his best impersonation of Gerald Simon:

"Hey Mikey, have you ever considered… joining the army? Or borrowing money from the Mafia?" Mikey repeated a few of the scenes that had played out during breakfast in the Simon household. "What about becoming an actor… in Iraq?"

"Geez. At least you didn't take any of that advice." Mitsuki visibly winced at the thoughtlessness of the man that had seemed so nice only a matter of minutes ago.

"Actually, I did go to Iraq for awhile to do standup. The Iraqi's were actually surprisingly nice for a people who were having their dictator forcefully removed by the U.S. army at the time." The actor explained, sounding quite proud of himself. "After every performance, they would shoot off fireworks in my honor."

"Uhh... if you say so." Mitsuki sweat-dropped, but was happy that the depressing mood was disappearing. The depressing mood, seeing that it wasn't wanted, packed its bags and stormed off in a huff. "So, what do we do now? We've finished our business in Ohio, and we still have almost half the day left."

The two sat silently in thought for a few minutes, none of them noticing when the depressing mood whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said 'fresh' and had dice in the mirro-

"Who the heck is singing that?!" Mikey shouted as the hip-hop theme song assaulted his ears.

"Oh shizzle, I've been discovered!" Will Smith shouted, jumping out from behind a pebble and running off down the road. Mike and Mits watched the 'Fresh Prince' star get hit by the cab when it came near, still not quite understanding what had just happened. Mikey shook his head as if to clear the randomness that was clouding his brain.

"Hey, I've got an idea! Mitsuki, I promised to take you to an amusement park, right?" the American actor spoke up, startling his friend out of her confusion.

"Yeah?" Mitsuki answered excitedly. She had remembered the promise every day, but hadn't thought that Mikey would recall the conversation. Those 'memory enhancement pills' she'd been slipping into his food must have been working!

"We're really close to Cedar Point from here; it's a great theme park I used to go to all the time when I was younger," He explained, and then gave a slight cough, "when I snuck in for free."

"That'd be great! But how would we get there? There's no more deer, and the only thing I see on the road is that hobo pushing a shopping cart." Mitsuki pointed out their obvious lack of transportation, something Mikey should have remembered. Maybe the pills weren't working after all…

"Don't worry, we'll just improvise again!" Mikey said, and then he hopped in the hobo's shopping cart, spilling out paper bags full of booze and the occasional morsel of food. He motioned for Mitsuki to join him, and after hesitating only for a moment, she followed his lead and commandeered the 'vehicle'. "Step on it, Hobobobobobobo! To Cedar Point!"

"God damned gofer flinging ass-hat pinching democratic weasel washer and drier sold separately!" the crazed bum shouted incoherently, but sped up accordingly. Their velocity increased quickly increased to fifty miles an hour and they left a trail of flame behind them. While Mikey wondered if this hobo had been 'Sonic the Hedgehog' in a previous life, a shouting Japanese man flew over head.

"YOU'RE METHOD OF TRAVEL BAFFLES ME!" Yes-man screamed against the wind as he continued on his cannon-propelled flight. Then he was shot in the arm by an Ohio redneck that thought he was a lost penguin, and fell to the ground behind them.

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Authors Notes: Happy day after Presidents Day, and death to analog television! Whoa, this chapter was full of twists, eh? Next week comes the conclusion of Mikey and Mitsuki's side-story. The original chapter 10 was twice the length of the other chapters, and I had to split it up into two parts. So chapter 11 will be up this Friday. Don't forget it!

Useless knowledge you can use! Hobobobobobobo is obviously a parody of the titular character in the Bobobobobobobo anime. Mikey's parent's names are modified versions of my actual parent's name and, coincidentally, my name is also Michael. Please don't get pissed about the 9.11 joke in this story, its a joke about horrible corporate decisions, not the actual tragic event. Just thought I should clear that up. Also, the numerous references to the horror book/movie 'The Shining' come from my reading the book prior to writing this chapter. Final note: Cedar Point is a real amusement park, and I have been there. Just don't expect it to be portrayed realistically in the coming chapter, heh heh.

Fan Corner: Last chapter had received a lot of great reviews, and great amount of them as well. Make the trend continue, folks!

First off is, you guessed it, General Shadow Wolfsbane reviews and this time informs us all that all Canadians are good for is their bacon. Kicking Squirelador may not be able to get to a computer and review this chapter, because he was the victim of a squirrle attack after his last review. Also, there a new reviewer! Laurexine Flight joins the party and threatens my life. What a great way to make a first impression! Finally, the twins Reio and Bgkun have yet to follow my advice and take five minutes out of their lives to create accounts. Oh well, at least they review unlike some registered reviewers I know of. Yeah, that's right, I know who you are! Don't think you can hide from me and my all-seeing 'Story Stats' page!

Which reminds me! Don't forget to add me to your 'author alerts' subscription, so that you'll know exactly when I update this thing! Sometimes I can't reach people to tell them I've added the next chapter, and this will simplify things immensely. Alright, now for the catch phrase...

Death to Analog! Long live America! Read and review!


	11. Japanese Girl

**Kappa Mikey**

Hit In The USA

"Japanese Girl"

By Emerald

"Son of a dingo ate my babies teeth gum infection hemorrhoid George Washington's vaginal piercing!" 'Hobobobobobobo' roared, tipping his cart over and roughly depositing the two anime stars onto the Cedar Point fair grounds. Then he was arrested for public drunkenness and was never heard from again.

"We made it! Now we just need to sneak in." Mikey stated, having enough money to get in legally but wanting to break the law again just for old times sakes.

"How do we do that?" Mitsuki asked unnecessarily, looking at the huge lines of people that were lined up in front of the great white wall that blocked off access to the park.

"Can you imitate a southern accent?" Mikey asked, pulling out two Halloween masks. The actress eyed her friend quizzically, not liking where this idea was going.

And so Mikey and Mitsuki disguised themselves as John McCain and George Bush going on a date, told the ticket booth woman that they would drop weapons of mass destruction on Ohio if they were not let in for free, and made it into the amusement park without paying a dime.

"I can't believe that worked. Do you always keep these masks with you?" Mitsuki wondered as she took off the very convincing rubber mask.

"Of course, I never know when they might come in handy. Don't you remember that news story a year ago, 'George Bush moons Prime Minister of Japan'?" he answered, and indeed Mitsuki did remember that particular fiasco. Mostly because it was the day she learned the definition of the word 'fiasco'.

Looking around at the amusement park as afternoon began to turn back to night, she was in awe of what she saw. Then she remembered that 'awe' and 'saw' rhymed. 'Yay for rhyming!' she thought to herself, in what was a very Mikey-like thought. All puns aside, the park was beautiful, and full of rides that looked both fun and frightening.

"What do you want to go on first, Mitsuki?" Mikey asked his friend as they wandered around the park, avoiding screaming children and the parents who were too busy talking on their cell phones to monitor those kids.

"How about one of those 'rolling coast stores' I crashed into earlier?" Mitsuki remembered the circuit of lights that had looked so much like a landing pad from miles above.

"Good choice! There's a big one called the 'Jesus Christ Superstar' just a half mile from here. Better put our masks back on if we don't want to wait two hours in line, though." Mikey replied, and then put his McCain disguise on again as he led 'Bush' towards the coaster.

It didn't take them long to push through the line of angry thrill seekers. All it took was a few cries of 'Don't mess with Texas!' and 'I'm a crazy maverick!' to adequately threaten the crowd. Soon, Mike and Mits were seated next to each other in a cozy little car that was designed to look like a cloud. A fluffy cloud pasted with numerous health and safety warnings that warned the rider to never, ever go on the ride if they valued their lives. But Mitsuki was too happy to be so close to Mikey to read the cautioning advice, and Mikey was too busy arguing with an Obama fan he'd cut in line.

All political debating and fawning came to a halt as the voice of God cut through the loading dock. Well, at least the voice of Morgan Freeman pretending to be God came through the speakers.

"In the beginning, God created the world. Then he created some other cool things, like plants, people, and corndogs. His final and most magnificent creation of all, he called the Roller Coaster!" the heavenly voice rang out, and then the line of carts sped down the tracks, breaking the sound barrier with a scream and a 'pop'!

The two actor's masks flew off almost immediately, to be found by a Fox News van that would immediately begin broadcasting a story about the tragic finding of the two Republican leaders' severed heads. Meanwhile, the two Japanese actors were screaming bloody murder and praying that Morgan Freeman would have mercy on their souls if they should not survive the ride. The in-cart speakers blasting horrible 'Reliant-K' music wasn't helping matters, either. Luckily, in a matter of seconds, the ride was over and the carts came to a screeching start where they had began.

"And God looked at the roller coaster, and saw that it was freaking sweet. Amen." The heavenly host concluded, and the restraining bars retracted to let out a much shaken Mikey and Mitsuki out of their cloud as the Rolling Stones song 'Get Off Of My Cloud' began to play.

"That…was…Awesome!" Mitsuki cried, her hands grasping the air in excitement. Mikey was genuinely surprised by her reaction, especially considering how the coaster had much more intense than even he was used to.

"Glad you liked it." Mikey answered, trying not to hurl as he climbed down the catwalk with his unofficial date. They reached the bottom and he leaned on a trash can to steady himself before asking, "What next?"

"Hmm, I don't know. The building that say's 'Happy House' might be interesting." She replied, pointing towards a rainbow-colored building that was being tended by a vaguely familiar magician.

"Sounds good to me." The actor replied, letting his death grip on the dumpster slide off. He followed Mitsuki into the building and past the blue-garbed magician that he swore he'd seen in Tokyo before, and found himself in a room full of fun-house mirrors. He started to wonder why the park would have such a crappy carnival-like gimmick, but he heard Mitsuki calling him to come look at her.

"Hey Mikey, doesn't this mirror make me look 'hot'?" Mitsuki giggled in a flirtatious fashion, and Mikey looked in the mirror to see what she was seeing. The morphed glass hadn't modified the majority of her reflection, but it had seen fit to increase the size of her breasts two-fold. Mikey chuckled at the absurdity of it, and was joined by the reflection's own laughter. "Too bad I don't always look like this."

"Oh Mitsuki, you look beautiful all the time." Mikey answered, and he truly meant it. But he'd also truly meant to keep that comment to himself! There was more nervous laughter as the two of them tried to hide their blushing, and this continued until a loud rumbling could be heard coming from around them.

"What that?" Mitsuki asked, staring as the mirrors receded into the floor boards and the lights began to dim. There was a heavy 'slam' as the door shut behind them, locking them in the room.

"Don't worry, I've been in these kinds of things before. It's just trying to spook us out." Mikey said as the room continued to shift until another hallway had opened up in front of them, a pit of snakes blocking their way to the exit sign that had materialized at the end of the tunnel. "Look, these snakes aren't even real."

Mikey reached into the hole and waved his hand at the reptiles below, flipping off the animatronics. However, one of the 'robots' coiled itself up and launched itself at the offensive finger, and the actor had just enough time to rescind his hand before it was bitten.

"Mikey, are those flame throwers coming out of the walls?!" Mitsuki gasped as turrets of flames began to erupt from the walls near the entrance, blatant pyromania occurring for the third time that day.

"And I think those spikes jutting out of the ground are coming towards us!" Mikey shouted as he noticed 'Indiana Jones' style needles popping out of the ground, moving in succession towards them both. "We'll have to jump the snake pit!"

Mikey and Mitsuki grabbed each others hands and raced towards the pit, jumping at the last second and just barely clearing the poisonous rattlers. They continued their mad dash through the corridor, ducking as high-powered laser beams tried to separate their heads from their shoulders. After what seemed like hours of near-death experiences, they reached the exit and reappeared back outside, next to the entrance.

"What the hell was supposed to be 'happy' about that house?!" Mikey shouted in the face of the magician who had willingly let them enter the torture chamber.

"You didn't die, did you?" the magician asked redundantly, and both the actor and the actress looked at each other to make sure they had both survived.

"No, but-"

"Yaaay!" the magician clapped his hands in delight. Then Mikey punched him in the face, and the actor did get a small amount of enjoyment out of that. Mitsuki followed up by kicking their tormenter in the crotch, and then they both headed off towards another section of the amusement park.

"Sorry that didn't work out so well." Mikey apologized. This wasn't the first time they had faced death since visiting his home country though, and Mitsuki was becoming used to it.

"It's okay. Better to focus on the positives." Mitsuki smiled. 'Like knowing that you think I'm beautiful', she thought to herself. She looked to the sky to hide her once more blushing face, and saw that the sun was beginning to set.

"Hey look, its Cedarick the Entertainer, the Cedar Point mascot!" Mikey exclaimed, pointing towards a man in a sharp and pointy tree outfit who was autographing a photo for a little boy.

"Here ya go, son." Cedarick said as he completed his signature, and then handed back the picture. One of his razor-sharp leaves cut the boy across the scalp, and he fell to the floor screaming in pain. The talking pine tree began to freak out, looking around to see if there were any witnesses. "Oh crap, oh crap! I am not going to jail for this again!"

Mike and Mits watched as Cedarick bribed the boy with one-hundred dollars to tell his father that he'd been attacked by an eagle, and then the tree ran off to wash the incriminating blood off of his branches.

"Geez, this place has really gone to hell." Mikey thought aloud as the boy began to tell his father about an evil eagle who'd tried to steal his lollypop.

"Let's go on some more rides." Mitsuki offered in an attempt to take their mind off what had just happened. "What about that one?"

Mitsuki was pointing at the whirling teacup ride. As if on cue, the ride began to run out of control and reach speeds well in excess of two hundreds miles per hour. One of the cups became detached and flew off at a forty-five degree angle, sending it out of the park.

"Uhh, maybe later." Mikey said as he sweat-dropped. Mitsuki looked at him in unabashed surprise.

"Whoa, Mikey, how are you doing that?!" she asked, knowing full well that American cartoon characters should not be able to do such things. She also knew that she wasn't supposed to know they were all cartoon characters, but she ignored that for the moment.

"What, this? It's just a sticker I made myself so I could fit in." he replied, peeling the decal off of himself. Mitsuki sweat-dropped for real, and Mikey quickly put the sticker back on. They shared another laugh at this, and then Mitsuki began to look around them for any rides that seemed safe. She finally spotted one, but she wasn't sure if Mikey would want to ride on it with her.

"Hey, M-Mikey?" Mitsuki ventured, and her orange haired crush looked at her. "Do you want to go on the Ferris wheel?"

"Sure!" Mikey answered, both eagerness and nervousness coming through in his voice. They both smiled and made their way towards the spinning wheel as the sun continued its descent.

No longer having their political masks, they had to wait in line like everyone else, which gave both of them more than enough to wonder what they were going to say to each other. Until then, they discussed nonsense topics such as the politics and religion.

"All I'm saying is that I think God is on the Republican's side." Mikey concluded, and Mitsuki had to admit he'd done a fine job of arguing his point. But now the time had come for them to board the ride, and the conversation was put on hold. Mitsuki would withhold her opinions on whether Satan approved or disproved of stimulus plans for a later date.

Their cart began to rise in the air with a creak as they made their way slowly around the loop. The nervousness from before returned with a vengeance, and neither were able to speak for a number of moments. Finally, Mitsuki broke the silence.

"Mikey… did you really mean what you said back in the 'Happy House'?" she asked him tentatively. A strange look of worry appeared over her crush's face.

"What? No, I would never sell my soul to the devil in exchange for my life. That's absurd." He replied with a nervous laugh, looking to his left and right shiftily.

"No, what you said _before_ we were about to be killed." Mitsuki clarified, though she knew what Mikey was talking about and had decided to ignore it. Mikey calmed down somewhat, and looked into Mitsuki's eyes for a long moment before answering.

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Authors Note: WASN'T THAT A GREAT CHAPTER?! Oh wait, am I interrupting something? Sorry, my bad.

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…Mikey calmed down somewhat, and looked into Mitsuki's eyes for a long moment before answering.

"Mitsuki, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met, on the outside and the inside. And even if I'm not good at showing it, I like you alot." He answered, and prepared to say more but the words became caught in his throat. He knew it was enough, however, when he looked in Mitsuki's eyes and saw the tears that were forming there.

"Oh, Mikey…" Mitsuki managed to speak as their cart reached the climax of the ride. A beautiful sunset could be seen behind the Japanese girl's face, highlighting all of her features. Mikey was suddenly stunned.

'Uh oh, I'm freezing up.' He thought to himself, realizing what was to come next but not being able to gain control of his body. Time seemed to freeze. 'I should kiss her, I know I should. This is the perfect moment. But isn't this a bit cliqued, a kiss on a ferris wheel? Does anyone even think about whether something is cliqued in a moment like thi-'

It took Mikey a full second to realize that Mitsuki had kissed him, and by that time he was returning the kiss with equal passion. They remained in each others arms, sharing the kiss for quite some time. Halfway through, they vaguely imagined that they could here fireworks going off in the distance.

In actuality, it was the sound of an explosion in Canada.

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Real Authors Notes: Once again, sorry about before. I could have sworn the chapter was over, honest! Hey, at least I made it up to you by uploading this chapter when I said I would. That's only because this chapter was already completed, of course, but it's the thought that counts.

Are you ready for the big finale?! It's all been leading up to the next (or next-next) chapter, and the twist will have you on the edge of your seats. So hang tight until then, Kappa Mikey fans! Only one fun-fact for this authors note: Cedarick the entertainer's name is obviously based on the comedian Cedric the entertainer, who you might remember from the 'Transformers' movie among other things. Okay, I'll conclude these authors' notes early because I've been writing almost non-stop for five hours now. Also, HITUSA has reached a stunning 71 pages in Word (minus these authors notes)! Whew, I need a break… but just a short one!

Fan Corner:

General Shadow Wolfsbane in da house! Hope you liked Cedar point in this chapter; the actual place is about the only thing interesting in all the Ohio area. Kicking Squirelador keeps on kickin' it real smooth in his reviews, and that's coo', yo. Bkugn, on the other hand, was so uninspired by chapter 10 that he fell asleep while writing his review. At least that's what I gather from his cryptic message, "yu e anymo n. ihnkot". Sorry, I don't speak italian. Thanks again x11 for all the (english written) reviews! Every review pushes me one step closer to completing this story.

Long live America! Read and review!


	12. Shooting Star

**Kappa Mikey**

Hit In the USA

"Shooting Star"

By Emerald

"Alright, everyone get the 'fop' down on the floor!" Lily shouted to the full extend of her lungs, though she didn't say 'fop'. She was dual-wielding assault rifles and waving the smoking barrels at the frightened crowd of anime fans, and it had only been five minutes since she had stepped on stage.

The convention had begun painlessly enough, with only two attempts by fans to capture her and make clones from her DNA. Luckily, the cloning procedure was a failure and the resulting creature ate the brains of those who had created it. Not long after, Lily had been called on stage to begin answering questions for the third time that week.

"Lily, Lily! What is your opinion on 4Kids productions and their horrible anime dubs?" a female nerd asked from far back in the audience, showing that females were just as able as guys to be raging otakus. The actress simply scoffed.

"You don't think I actually watch these crappy shows, do you? I just do my job and get paid. Only losers watch anime." She honestly replied, alienating approximately 100.9% of her audience, in what could only be a stunning breakthrough for mathematical approximations. The crowd became angry but, to their credit, did not begin to throw things at the star. Yet.

"How would you describe your relationship with your co-star, Mitsuki?" a Christian activist disguised as an anime fan asked, hoping Lily would let slip a vaguely lesbian-like remark then she could blow out of proportion on the Christian Television Network. It was all part of her grand scheme to get all cartoons except Veggie Tales banned from America, and ruin television.

"I hate her, and if she likes this country so much she can stay here and rot for all I care!" Lily answered, the reporter writing down possible headlines such as 'Arguing lesbian lovers; how LilyMu is destroying our children'. She would later create a parents movement to ban the show.

"Lily, I have a question to ask you in your fit of rage," A man dressed as Yoshi the dinosaur asked, hoping to get a highly controversial answer that would play over you tube for the next eight years, "how do you feel about harmless little puppy dogs?"

"Those furry little faggots! Trying to be cuter than me, are they? I'll teach them!" she jumped out of her seat, knocking down the chair that had never done anything wrong to her. The center for abused furniture came by to pick up the chair and take it to a loving, appreciative home. Meanwhile, the crowd continued to prod Lily into giving increasingly violent answers.

"How do you feel about the state of democracy in America today?" a politically active anime fan asked, proving that he had interests beyond whether or not a level exists after 'Super Saiyan 65'.

"All you Americans can suck my non-existent dick! I don't give even half a crap about what happens to this pitiful excuse for a country; I might just even decided to destroy it myself!" she exclaimed in a voice that would shock Satan. As the ruler of hell curled up into a ball and whimpered, the crowd advanced towards the stage, pointy objects in hand. That's when the shooting started.

"Alright, now if you let me out of here peacefully, I won't have to use these on you assholes." Lily cautioned the frightened masses, who she had not actually shot in the ruckus. Still, that option was becoming more and more appealing. It was when she was thinking about how lenient American society was on murder when the police finally busted down the convention door.

"Freeze! Puts your hands in the air!" one of the younger cops ordered, and Lily complied, raising both arms into the air. Then she fired the two guns over the heads of the assembled policy force. "And I meant drop your weapons too!"

"Well you should have been more specific." She answered, dropping her rifles with a huff. The cops pushed past members of the crowd, some of them already wearing T-shirts that said 'Free Lily', and were about to arrest the homicidal diva when a patriotic anthem came from nowhere. That's when all logic and reason were thrown out the window.

As logic and reason fell to their deaths, a man walked in through the broken window and stood tall in the sun light that outlined his body. He took a disk off of his left arm and threw it with his right, the circular weapon flying out and knocking the weapon out of each and every police officer's hands, and giving one cop a concussion, before returning to the unknown individual.

"Dear lord, is that Superman?!" a Marvel fan in the audience pointed towards the heroic figure silhouetted in the windowsill. The man chose this moment to jump down and land next to Lily, revealing himself to the crowd. Then he remembered to put his superhero costume on before he was arrested for public indecency, and answered the question all had on their lips.

"No, young man. I… am Captain America!" the USA's premier superhero announced in a voice like thunder. The silence that emanated from the crowd was deafening. The anime fans just stared at each other in confusion.

"Yay, Superman!" the same fan cheered, to the Captain's chagrin. The admirer was promptly beaten to a bloody pulp by the throngs of manga fans, who notoriously hated all American comic books and those that read them.

"There's no reason to arrest this woman; all she's done is recklessly fire weapons in a public place. And haven't we all done that at some point in our lives?" Captain America lectured the mass, and several members of the audience began to tear up.

"It's true! It's all so true!" a police officer cried, remembering when he'd taken out his 'glock' and fired it at a pesky troupe of Girl Scouts who wouldn't leave him alone.

"Give me the rest of the day with this girl, and I'll show her what America is all about!" he concluded. Then he looked at Lily for approval which he did not find.

"What America is all about?" she parroted, "Oh god, you're gonna try to rape me!"

"No, no. I'm going to show you all the positive sides of America." The captain clarified with a laugh, but failed to convince the actress.

"There is no positive side to rape!" Lily objected, her mind irretrievably lost in the gutter.

"Such raunchy jokes do not befit a 'T' rated fan fiction, Ms. Lily." America's defender scolded. Question marks appeared spontaneously above the heads of everyone in attendance, and he realized his small slip. "Er, except this is real life. Not a fan fiction at all. T-that'd be silly. He he."

As Captains America's eyes shifted back and forth suspiciously, the cops got a warning over their radios that Osama Bin Laden might be buried under Canada. The bulletin also stated that Osama had digivolved into a Hitlersaurus, proving that American military intelligence is reliable indeed.

"So what do you say? Will you come with me and see the true beauty of my native country?" the superhero requested once more, and Lily carefully mulled the idea over in her head.

"I suppose; if it'll get the 'po-po' off my back." She finally answered. The cops retreated to their cars and begin their drive to Canada, only to promptly drown in Lake Michigan. "But if at anytime you try to get me out of my clothes…"

"I said keep it 'T'!" he admonished cryptically.

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Once Captain America had given all of the anime fans a sound beating and liberated Lily from the convention, the appeared on the dilapidated streets of Washington D.C. Five year old hobos were entertaining themselves by stealing Sarah Palin's seven-billion dollar fur coat, and the respectable city workforce was passed out and drunk on the sides of the road.

"Oh, I can't wait to hear how you can explain all this away." Lily quipped, Joe Biden stealing her wallet while she was distracted by listening to her own beautiful voice.

"Thieving give the kiddies real-world government experience. And if being crap-faced on the streets keeps the working men away from home and abusing their wives, I'm fine with that." The Captain bulled as he took a drink from his American flag emblazoned vodka flask. "Quickly! To my American made truck!"

Pressing a button on his utility belt, a Ford F1-50 drove itself up to the curb and parked itself on an endangered owl. As the bird scream about lawsuits and judgment from above, the two got into the 'built Ford tough' vehicle.

Then the truck broke down five seconds after they got back on the road.

"Quickly! To my emergency foreign vehicle!" the superhero improvised, pressing yet another button on his belt, this time summoning a Mitsubishi.

This vehicle not only stayed intact, but also gave them soothing chair massages as the captain drove them through the mean streets. Best of all, the car didn't talk like Motor, a fact which Lily was more than happy for. Lily's driver waved a hand out the window and motioned to the intersection.

"As you can see, America is a very beautiful and peaceful county." Captain America extolled his homeland. During the two seconds it took him to say this, there were twelve murders reported along with fifty-five charges of defacing property, along with one instance of illegal use of a carrot.

"Some concrete examples would be nice." His cynical companion replied, her anger slightly tempered by the vibrating chair that continued to pleasure her.

"Okay then, one concrete example coming up!" the patriotic hero announced, spinning the wheel to the right and hitting an old lady with a thick 'thud'. The woman went flying through the glass window of a bakery, where she remained still.

"What the hell did you do that for?!" Lily screamed as the homicidal hero go out of the car and picked up the barely-alive body of the granny in the blue flowery dress.

"Lily, I'm going to show you the beauty of the American health care system!" Captain America announced heroically, starting his car up and heading towards the nearest hospital. Before reaching the clinical building, they hit four more people, but that was only due to his drunk driving.

The superhero and the woman who played one on television dragged the unconscious body into the hospital reception area, wild wolves following the trail of blood it left. After the local dog catcher tried and failed to capture the two canines, he gave his first born son to them as a sacrifice.

"How may I help you today?" the cheerful receptionist asked cheerfully, her face and features full of cheer, cheer, and more cheer.

"This woman needs medical attention immediately!!" Captain America wailed, acting as if it hadn't been him who'd intentionally rammed into the woman with near-lethal force.

"Does the injured have any social security information on her person?" the attractive woman asked with an extra large smile, as per regulations. Meanwhile, the two wolves stopped mauling the dog catcher and decided to adopt the child as one of their own. They named him 'Mogli" and then got on a one-way flight back to Africa, where they were sued by the Disney company for copywriter infringement.

"No, just receipts for various porn movie rentals." Lily answered as she rifled through the perverted old bag's purse. She also found a tazer, but kept this matter to herself as she secretly pocketed it.

"I am sorry, but without adequate assurance and identification, we cannot accept any patients." The receptionist explained, seemingly genuine sympathy coming through in her voice.

"But this desperate woman will die without the desperate medical attention she desperately needs!" the Captain argued, desperately in need of thesaurus.

"I'm sorry, but that's just too damn bad." The woman answered as innocently as possible, and then had hospital security gently escort them out of the building with Pit Bulls.

"Now what, genius?" Lily asked, not caring about the life of the comatose woman as much as she cared about not getting any more blood on her outfit.

"Now I will show you the beauty of the American waste disposal system!" the hero replied enthusiastically, and then tossed the body into a large dumpster. He dusted off his hands and walked back to his car, Lily following behind him.

"So, are the other 'positive sides' of American culture as violent and immoral as this?" the actress questioned as they drove past the scene of the crime, which the remaining police officers had only now discovered.

"Just you wait, sister!" Captain America gunned the engine, seemingly intent of showing her the 'beauty' of the high way patrol stem. The woman was left forgotten in the waste disposal bin, where she would later wake up to see a doctor trying to harvest her organs for the rich.

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After getting a ticket for exceeding speeds of 250 miles per hour in a school zone, Captain America had proceeded to show Lily the many other great things about his native land.

"I'll show you the beauty of the American cigarette agencies!" this had led to the viewing of a new advertisement approach involving penguins that strongly attracted the 3-5 age group the Big Tobacco had been striving for.

"Now I'll show you the beauty of the NFL!" with this, they attended a football game where not a single player made it through the first quarter without incurring brain damage from frequent collisions, and gaining seventy more endorsement deals.

"Now the beauty of the American housing market!" that had led to an unintelligent land purchase on the Captain's part that foreclosed in thirty minutes flat, ensuring president Obama and even harder term in office.

After five more of these terrible attempts to change Lily's mind about America, the Captain was grasping for straws. When he grasped the shortest straw and had to pay the con artist five dollars for losing the bet, he went back to coming up with new ideas.

"Umm, what about the about the American Hunting Association?" he ventured, struggling to think of why he loved his country so much.

"You already showed me that, and I didn't want to see a family of deer slaughtered the first time around." She answered irritably. Little did she know that one of those deer had escaped, and was currently somewhere in Ohio.

"…the beauty of the-?" the Captain was cut off by Lily's angry shouting.

"No more 'beauty'! I can't take anymore of it! Just leave me the hell alone!" Lily objected, mouth throwing out blazing hellfire as she raged. Her ears were also beginning to smoke and the smog greatly contributed to the deterioration of the O-zone later, ensuring Al Gore an even harder job at whatever it is that he does.

"But... but I haven't even got to show you our emergency hotline system." Captain America pouted, and then walked to a nearby pay phone and dialed '911'.

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"Now who could have expected this would happen?" he asked himself as he say in the prison cell he was sharing with the ticked off actress.

Within seconds of the phone call, the police had arrived and began to beat Lily with stale loaves of bread. Once they realized that there had not been a real emergency, and that some prankster had replaced their riot batons with bread, they arrested the two for wasting their time.

"What kind of Superhero are you supposed to be, anyway? You're the sorriest excuse for a hero I've ever met!" Lily vehemently accused the Captain, attempting to tear the prison toilet off of the foundation and throw it at him.

"I am a great hero!" Captain America asserted, puffing out his lightly muscled chest just in time for it to take the brunt of the impact caused by the flying toilet.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I'm didn't know getting an innocent person arrested was a super power!" the justifiably angry woman shouted, now attempting to tear off a prison bar with the intention of shoving it through his gut. "Jesus Christ, that Captain Stupendous was a better hero than you!"

"You've met my older brother in Japan?" How're things working out for him out there?" the Captain asked, having not spoken to his sibling since the media had abandoned his brother after the highly controversial court case, 'Stupendous V.S. A Harmless Rabbit'.

"He calls himself 'Dum-Dum' and spends his entire show passing gas to the tune of 'Whip It Good' and making a complete fool of himself." Lily replied painfully honestly. The captain thought about this for a moment.

"…does he have a sidekick opening?" Captain America asked hopefully. But before Lily could answer, a distant explosion rattled the prison bars.

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Authors Notes: Hoopla! You begged for it, you clamored for it, you sold yourself into prostitution to pay for it, and now it's here! Chapter twelve, in all of its not-so-patriotic glory! All you closet Marvel fans should be quite happy with this one; just don't show your faces are they'll be torn off.

Since I hadn't originally planned to write this chapter, it was written mostly spur of the moment. I'm happy with how it turned out though, and glad that I was able to fit one more anime convention into this fic.

Captain Stupendous is from my favorite Kappa Mikey episode, "The Good, the Bad, and the Mikey." The modified tune of "Whip It Good" actually plays during the fight scene between Mikey and Stupendous, so the joke at the end there isn't completely random. And of course, Captain America is from the comic book of the same name. Duh. Before I head on, let me remind you that I love my country despite everything you've just read in this chapter. Please do not get your redneck friends to come lynch me.

Fan Corner: Okay, quite a few reviews again this time! General Shadow Wolfsbane keeps up the status quoe, and complains that I've foiled his evil plots for Canada. The Kicking Squirelador is the only one to comment on the short (and ridiculously clique'd) MikSuki scene. Hey, Kappa Mikey will probably never get a third season so that's the best you MikSuki fans will get! Bkugn has gotten his keyboard fixed, much to my relief as well as his embarresed brother, Reio. Finally, ANOTHER new reviewer! This time it's "Kappa Mikey fan"; you thought "Motor" was an original name? To quote Robotnik, "get a load of THIS!" I only kid; another reviewer this late in the story is a pleasant suprise.

Alright! Now give me some time off to take my SAT tomorrow, and then I'll get to writing the climactic climax of climactic proportions!

Long live America! Read and review!


	13. Damnation

**Kappa Mikey**

Hit In the USA

"Damnation"

By Emerald

The sun rose behind the Overlook hotel. An alarm clock, if present, would have read 'seven o'clock in the morning'. As the new day began, Mitsuki woke up next to Mikey Simon with a contented sigh.

The whole thing would have been more romantic, perhaps, if they were not currently hiding out in an air duct shaft. Not having any money to afford an actual room at the Overlook, they had been forced to sneak in solid-snake style and spent the night together in the windy shaft. Beneath them, the raucous group of tourists that had woke her up continued their discussion on the rumored Godzilla attack on Canada, and how it could impact American politics.

"Look, America created Godzilla in the seventies. It's past time to admit our fault and correct our mistakes! I say we arm the elderly and send them off into battle; whose with me?!" a patriotic man gave his call to arms as he munched a stale cheese Danish. Two nearby grandparents snapped their canes in half and prepared to take their makeshift weapons into fierce combat.

Above the two-man militia, Mikey woke up lazily but happily. He didn't move at first, not wanting to wake the beauty next to him if she was still asleep. 'Nice piece of ass, indeed.' Mikey remembered what his mother had quipped before. This make him shake with suppressed laughter, which alerted Mitsuki to his awakening.

"Good morning, Mikey." Mitsuki greeted him, some of the old shyness still coming through in her voice.

Mikey said something that could have been translated as 'Hi there, beautiful', or more literally as 'mrglsmurf'. His vocal chords were still waking up, apparently.

"I had a great time last night." she said after realizing that not even Mikey was sure what sounds were coming out of his mouth. Luckily, this problem was rectified when the American reached into his pocket, took out a wet nap, and squeezed its liquid content into his mouth.

"Me too. That was by far the best part of this whole trip." he said, putting an arm around the pretty young woman who had been longing to be in such close contact with him for years. "I'm sorry this whole convention thing has been a bust."

"Well, I wouldn't call it a complete loss." Mitsuki smiled suggestively, and leaned forward to reach Mikey's lips for their first kiss of the day. The scene was so lovey-dovey that someone somewhere was praying for it to end, and end quickly, while they still had their masculinity.

"Mitsuki, I want you to know that… THERES A RAT EATING MY FOOT!" Mikey Simon suddenly shouted with Yes-man-like intensity. Before Mitsuki could even begin to wonder if he was telling the truth or just trying to skillfully worm his way out of a sentence he couldn't end, her orange haired boyfriend spazzed out with an intensity that would have impressed Guano.

The orange haired wonder tried to jump straight up, which didn't work well considering their cramp quarters. As his head rang with pain, he fell forward and flipped upside down, his legs kicking at the 'roof' as he attempted to rid his foot of the rat which had in reality only touched his toe before leaving. After much more banging and crashing that did nothing other than scare a ghost back into its bathtub, the ceiling underneath the duo began to crack and finally collapse.

"Falling Tetris blocks!" were the tourist/revolutionary's last words as the chunk of cement carrying Mikey and Mitsuki crashed down on his head. The two picked themselves off the ground and dusted off their musty clothing as the gung-ho elderly departed for an area that had less carnage and more sleeping.

"Look Mitsuki, free breakfast!" Mikey excitedly noticed the 'continental' buffet they had fallen into, then ran to grab a powdered donut before any more mold could grow on it, "And you're father said I wouldn't be a good provider."

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Meanwhile, Lily was being treated to an even less pleasant morning in her dank prison cell. Her frequently interrupted sleep, caused by Captain America's constant ravings about the beauty of America's prison system, had done little to temper her hatred for the country that had wrongly imprisoned her.

"See these cockroaches the prison wardens let in? A perfect source of protein!" were the first words Lily heard as she arose. She opened her eyes just in time to see the captain take a bite of a big, juicy insect.

"Damn, my head hurts. I think that 'pillow' I slept on last night was filled with rocks." The actress answered offhandedly. If she had bothered to check, she would have seen that there were no rocks in the pillow sheet; tree stumps were a much cheaper substitute.

"You shouldn't complain so much. If you were in a country like Quebeckistan you'd be hanging from the wall in chains." The Captain answered, referencing the desert island that existed in the exact center of the Middle East.

"Is taking copious amounts of pictures during a strip search part of the procedure there, as well?" Lily asked sardonically. As those photographs made their way to every single hentai site on the web, as well as PBS Kids dot com, a prison warden strutted up to the cell door and called the actresses' name in a country accent.

"Excuse me, Missus, but it's time for yer lethal injection." The twenty-something year old Arkansas boy announced. His name tag read 'Stuart 23', an allusion to the fact that he was the twenty-third son named Stuart in his in-breeding family.

"What the hell? You can still execute your prisoners in this country?!" Lily asked incredulously as she secretly plotted to kill the man with a guitar. Step one, find an actual guitar.

"Not in Washington, actually. First we needs'ta take ya'll to Texas for yer trial, cuz execution is legal there." Misses Stuart's favorite son answered as he randomly pulled out an electric guitar and began to play 'Justice Calling'. Step two of Lily's plan now involved getting a hold of that guitar no matter what.

"How can you possibly justify your government recklessly killing people?" Lily objected as Captain America began to whistle 'God Bless America' in the background.

"We has an impartial system in the U.S.A; it's an eye fer an eye, tooth fer a tooth kinda thing." The redneck hit the actress over the head with the Bible, both figuratively and literally. A bruise the size and shape of Mount. Sinai began to form on her smarting head.

"How is making an inappropriate 911 call even close to being the same thing as murdering?!" the Japanese woman spotted the gaping hole in his logic, and had to pin-wheel her theoretical arms to keep from falling in.

"If you've broken one commandment, you've broken them all, so sayeth the lord." He quoted, apparently never having heard of the separation of church and state.

Unbeknownst to Stuart, Lily had grabbed his guitar while he was pontificating and was now about to put step three of her plan into action: shove the guitar so far up Stuart 23's ass that his small intestines came out of his nose.

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Meanwhile, again, Gonard and Guano continued to fly through the air. The horrendous explosion in Canada had blown up Osama's underground base and sent the two of them flying several miles up into the air. For some inexplicable reason, they had yet to hit the ground.

"We've been flying through the sky for hours now! Shouldn't the laws of gravity have taken over by now?" guano wondered aloud as they continued to defy physics and swallow copious amounts of bugs. "And while I'm on the subject of needlessly asking questions, what the heck is that thing you've got in your pants?"

"Oh, that? That's my… uh, erection. Yeah, that's right!" Gonard answered slyly, the bulge bouncing rhythmically as he spoke. Deeply disturbed, and highly jealous, Guano attempted to back away from the 'big' man as best as he could. On the countryside down below, people were already starting to quote an old 'Austin Powers' joke.

"Hey, is it just my imagination or are we actually getting closer to the ground?" the purple suited director noticed during the process of averting his eyes. Indeed, the duo had finally been picked up by Earth's gravitational field and were now on a crash course with the ground several miles below. Suddenly, neither of them were in a hurry to land anymore. "Damn you gravity, and the cruel games you play with us!"

"Hey, it could be worse." The blue haired actor attempted to console his spastic partner, "At least there's none of the random fire and explosions that have plagued us on this trip."

Predictably, Gonard's words were followed by their entering the atmosphere and their subsequent bursting into flame from sheer velocity. As little kids below wished on the 'shooting star' to heal their retardedness, the two actors continued to plummet to the surface.

"We gonna die!" Gonard bawled when he saw that they were on a collision course with a concrete building that had barred windows. "You lied to me Guano, you said everything would be alright!"

"No I didn't! As soon as that explosion hit I said that were never gonna make it!" Guano corrected his buddy.

"Oh! Thank you for being honest with me, then!" Gonard replied happily. He grabbed the furry man in a farewell hug, and then they slammed into the building.

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"What the hell?!" Lily shouted as she picked herself of the prison floor, where she had been thrown due to a violent tremor. Daylight began to shine on the back of her head, and she turned around to see, "Gonard? Guano?"

"We made it, mama!" Gonard cried jubilantly, standing on a slab of concrete that he'd dislodged with his falling body. Captain America's leg was stuck underneath it and he screamed in pain, but everyone ignored him. Stuart 23 was busy cowering in a corner for fear that the liberals had come to attack his righteous ways.

"You're boner broke our fall!" Guano congratulated Gonard and his giant piece. Several seconds of awkward silence followed, during which time Stuart 23 ran out of the room got hit by a bus. The emergency sirens were the first thing to break the silence.

"Can either one of you explain what the hell is going on?" an exasperated Lily asked, attempting to keep her eyes from flinching towards the tent in Gonard's pants.

"Well that's easy enough to explain. We were having tea with Osama when Canada blew up, and now we're here." Guano attempted to explain their surreal experience. This didn't help Lily at all, and if anything she became even more confused.

"Yeah, good thing Mr. Bubbles saved our lives." Gonard explained cryptically, reaching down into his pants and petting an unseen object.

"Such sexual innuendo does not befit a T-rated fan fiction!" Captain American pontificated once again as he attempted to gnaw off his own leg in order to break free. Temporarily forgetting that all those steroids he took in the 60's gave him iron-hard muscles, he broke several teeth in his first bite.

"What's sectional in-your-Elmo?" Gonard mispronounced the greatest word in the English dictionary. America's defender slapped his forehead in dismay.

"Ye Gods, man! I am speaking of your giant cock!" the Captain shouted so loudly that every prisoner in the complex heard him. Further down the green mile, a foreign prisoner named 'Yegods Malkovitch' blushed a fierce red.

"What the heck are you talking about? I ate my pet chicken years ago. All I've got with me now is this big guy." Gonard replied, reaching deep into the depths of his shorts once more. As music reminiscent of 'The Legend of Zelda' played over the prison intercom system, he lifted up his prized possession.

"You stole Osama's nuclear sperm whale?!" Guano's outburst broke the stunned silence that had followed Mr. Bubbles' dramatic presentation. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"Maybe I was thinking that if we were gonna die, we might as well do so with the companionship of a giant whale that is highly explosive and could wipe out an entire country if touched the wrong way and-" Gonard cut himself off, "Okay, I wasn't thinking at all."

"Do you ever?" Lily insulted the lovable idiot, whom she wasn't quite loving at the moment.

"Of course I do! All the time! Like when that out of control tea-cup ride hit Canada and exploded, destroying the base and sending us several miles into the air, I remember thinking long and hard about how painful it would be when we fell!" Gonard satisfied his own ego and simultaneously explained the mysterious explosion in Canada in one fell swoop. He then concentrated on his next task, to hit two birds with one stone.

"Let me get this straight: you two were conversing with the 911 mastermind, stole a weapon of mass destruction, and brought it with you to America? Do you know what someone who hated this country could do with that?! Or that my left leg is still stuck and none of you are helping me?!" Captain America spoke up once again, and a figurative light bulb appeared over Lily's head. Meanwhile, the Captain remembered that he had super strength and lifted the wall off his leg with ease.

Events began to play through Lily's mind. Pushy American airport workers accusing them of being terrorists and trying to keep Guano off the plane. Crazed American taxi drivers going out of their way to drive recklessly. Perverted drunk Americans undressing her with their eyes. Idiotic Americans forcing her to learn how to ride a horse. An insanely patriotic American who got her sent to jail for a crime she did not commit. Tens, upon hundreds, upon thousands, upon millions of obsessive American anime conventioneers, stalking her every move, taking ludicrous amounts of compromising photos, and physically assaulting her with watermelons. And above it all, like the face of some leering demon that gleefully tortures it's victims, was the bane of her existence: an American named Mikey Simon.

"Hey Gonard, a nuclear whale bomb is a big responsibility. How can we trust that you'll take care of it?" Lily asked, putting her plot into action immediately.

'But Lily…!" the actor whined like a seven year old child. "I promise to feed it and walk it and pet it and not accidentally make it explode!"

"I'm sorry Gonard, but I just can't in good consciousness let you keep that whale. I'm afraid I'll have to take it away from you." Lily said with all the fake sympathy that she could muster, which wasn't much. Even a deaf, blind, and catatonic man could have seen through scheme; Gonard, however, wasn't quite as quick on the uptake.

"He's got nowhere else to go, though! He's a victim of deforestation!" Gonard pleaded, using a big word which he had no clue as to the meaning of. Captain America thought to tell the actor that whales lived in the ocean, not forests, but Guano put a hand on a leg and shook his head to tell him that it was useless.

"Don't worry, there are plenty of wildlife conservation places all over this country. In fact, I seem to remember one being located directly on the Capital building estate…" Lily trailed off suggestively, and not in the sexual way. Gonard held his Sperm Whale in his arms for the last time, staring into the dumb and unseeing eyes as if seeing into his own soul.

"Goodbye Mr. Bubbles. I just want you to know that you were the best homemade explosive a guy could ever have." he whispered to the mutant whale, who's body had absorbed so much radiation from the bombs it contained that it had evolved lungs and could breath on land. Then he threw it into Lily's outstretch and soon to be crushed arms. "And never stop believing in your dreams! You're gonna make it to that 'Sea World' park someday!"

"Okay, okay. Enough with the long goodbyes." Lily wheezed as she finished stuffing the surprisingly compact whale into her purse and began to walk out the formerly solid cell wall. "Oh, and I'd suggest leaving the country as soon as possible. Toodles!"

"Wait, Lily! I forgot to tell you not to get him close to any electricity! He hates that stuff!" Gonard shouted after the fast moving figure of the woman with a 9000 ton sperm whale in her purse. She waved a hand dismissively and continued on her way, no guards blocking her escape because they were all tired out from beating the prisoners with watermelons.

"How would you know if it hates electricity, Gonard?" Guano asked, also not understanding the significance of what had just transpired.

"He whisper it. In my ear." Gonard said softly, his eyes closed and his head bowed.

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Authors Notes: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Another chapter? When did THAT happen? Yes, that's right, I haven't given up on this story yet. In fact, I've actually completed it! So stay tuned for the action packed conclusion.

Readers Corner: Special thanks go out to Kappa Mikey Fan for being the only one to review chapter 12, and Ari Loves Saturday for adding this story to their favorites list. I'm expecting a bigger turn out for the conclusion, folks! If you've ever reviewed or even never reviewed a chapter before, I want you to write a review the story as a whole for chapter 15. Thank you in advance!

Long live America! Read and review the final chapter!


	14. Disaster

**Kappa Mikey**

Hit In the USA

"Disaster"

By Emerald

Eventually, Mikey Simon had noticed the man that he and Mitsuki had fallen on when they fell through the ceiling. Seeing that the man was in desperate need of a helping hand, the actor offered his palm to the man's hotel room key. He then used it to let Mitsuki and himself into a room and get ready for the day properly.

While Mitsuki took her morning shower, Mikey flipped on an ancient looking television set and tried to take his mind of all the hot shower scene taking place in the room next to him.

"Hey! You! Tired of your boring old boxer shorts? Ever wish they had the same functionality as pants?" an overeager announcer's voice played over the image of a dancing peacock wearing a pair of briefs for no apparent reason. "Well now they do!

"Poxers! Poxers! P-O-X-E-R-S! The boxers with built in pockets! You'll never have to wear pants again!" the animation now showed a man getting arrested for walking into a K-mart wearing only a pair of Poxers, with a caption saying that they are not actually considered a legal substitute for pants. "These babies are perfect for storing all your useless crap, like your T.V. remote, cell phone, cars keys, not to mention your wang!

"Poxers! The boxer with pockets! Let your keys jangle, while your junk dangles!" the commercial ended on it's award winning slogan. At this point, the subliminal messages imbedded in the jiving peacocks feathers had already hypnotized Mikey into believing that if he did not get a pair of Poxers that the anti-christ would take over the world.

Luckily, before he had time to hold up a Bealls store for a pair of the fabulous fabrics, his favorite American cartoon came on, 'Appu Simon'. It was the hilarious tale of a high school dropout named Simon Michaels who tore off a Burger King peel-off prize and won a trip to India to become a Bollywood actor.

"Feces, Feces!" Feces the furry red cat / director shouted as he grew fifty feet tall in order to fight a giant blue-haired sandwich that was attacking India. Before the episode could conclude, however, an emergency announcement blasted the show off of the airwaves.

"This is MSNBC news, coming to you live from Maryland, where an event is taking place that could be worse than 911, the holocaust, and the 'Hanna Montana' movie combined!" a highly frightened reporter shouted into his microphone from in front of the white house, the roaring of a helicopter blades obscuring his voice.

"Damn it, there's never anything interesting on." Mikey Simon said to himself with a yawn, clicking off the television. A full minute passed before he realized, like all human beings do, that anything is better than actually having to use conscious thought. He flipped on the set again and prepared to recommence the drainage of his remaining brain cells.

"We don't know who she is, or where she got the helicopter, but we do know that she is threatening to set off her WMD above the capital building unless her demands are met. Rush Limbaugh has already publicly announced that America will not negotiate with terrorists, temporarily forgetting that he isn't the president of the United States." the reporter concluded as the camera panned up and zoomed in on a woman suspended in the air by an Air-Force one helicopter, standing upon what looked like a giant aquatic mammal tied and connected to the aircraft by pulley cables.

"Lily?!" Mikey Simon shouted out loud as he saw his fellow anime performer poised atop Mr. Bubbles the nuclear whale, a stolen tazer in hand. A patriotic song about the event, written by Toby Keith in five seconds flat, played over the image. "Mitsuki, get out here, quick! You need to see this!"

There was a hurried squeaking noise as the shower faucet knob was spun and the water stopped running. Then Mitsuki burst out of the bathroom and sat down next to Mikey, seeing the horrifying image for herself.

"Oh my God, why is she doing this?" the actress wondered aloud, hand covering her mouth in shock. Mikey shook his head in bewilderment; the blond actress had always been temperamental and even a bit unbalanced, but nothing she had done in the past even came close to what she was now attempting to do. It frightened him more than anything had in his whole life, even more than that ill-fated 'Eat Your Peas and Carrots' play.

"Hey, America! I'm gonna blow up all your worthless asses unless you meet all my demands!" Lily shouted, some magical microphone actually picking up her voice as she held the tazer inches away from the whale's blubbery flesh. "And you'd better pray to god that I can actually think of some, or you're all are gonna go up in flames!"

"D-don't worry, Mitsuki. I'm sure the government will take care of this in a quick and safe manner." Mikey tried to comfort his new girlfriend, his quavering voice doubtful.

"I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this terrorist threat." the newscast had cut to a quick broadcast from the President. Mitsuki sweat-dropped and renewed fear crossed over Mikey's features.

"I don't know what's made her do this, but we have to go stop her. We might be the only ones who can." Mitsuki announced as courageously as she could, standing up and walking towards the door. Her right hand had reached the door knob when a shout from Mikey made her pause.

"Wait, Mitsuki!" he called, sitting up from the bed as well. For some reason, his face was extremely red. "Umm, don't you think you should put some clothes on first?"

Mitsuki looked down at herself for the first time since leaving the shower, and saw that she was bare-ass naked. She covered up her assets with her arms as thoroughly as possible, and then ran like a fiery red streak of blush and boobs towards the bathroom. 'Hooray for fan service!' Mikey thought to himself.

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Lily stood atop her perch, staring at the worthless insects down below. Her plan had gone perfectly according to plan, so far. She had simply strolled onto Air Force One in a Hillary Clinton mask and shouted for people to lead her to her 'husband' Bill, who she said was screwing one of the female mechanics.

This fabricated story actually turned out to be true though, and while the former president was arrested for lewd conduct involving cigars in a public bathroom, Lily snuck off and commandeered one of the numerous flying vehicles. It just happened to be a new experimental talking helicopter named Fred, but Lily tore out it's voice box with her teeth before taking off so she wouldn't have to deal with that crap again.

"Worthless Americans! On this continent, I promise you… revenge!" Lily shouted down at the crowd of protesters and anime fans with 'Support Lily' posters. She had always wanted an opportunity to use that kick ass Shadow the Hedgehog line. While she continued to rile the crowd by telling nasty redneck jokes, Gonard pushed through the throngs of 'worthless Americans' with his arm stretched out like a football player and Guano tucked under one arm. After reaching the front of the ground, he did a small touchdown dance and slammed Guano face down into the ground.

"Lily, you need to stop this insanity!" Guano spit out a large wad of dirt and worms as he shouted up to the sky. "Come down here right now before things get serious!"

"No way, all of my demands haven't been met yet. I'm still waiting for my DAMN fourth Chaos Emerald!" she replied angrily, taking the Shadow quoting thing a bit too far. Gonard skillfully interjected before she could say anything about a missing computer room.

"I don't have that, but if you come down I'll give you my cannoli ! Just one bite to check for poison!" he shouted and then proceeded to swallow the fried treat whole.

"Gonard you dumb ass, you've already done that joke before! Remember, when that Jewish dragon attacked Mikey?" Lily referenced a day that took place roughly a year ago.

"Well sorry, but it's been a long tiring trip and you can't expect me to keep up such a high level of humor all the time!" he answered her with righteous indignation. Any fan fiction author would have agreed with him.

It was at this point that Mikey and Mitsuki, this time fully clothed, entered the scene. They hopped off the back of Gamera the jet-powered flying turtle, who Mitsuki was close childhood friends with, and prepared to confront the crazed actress as well.

"Lily, I know you're angry, but that's no reason to decimate an entire country! Think about what you are doing!" Mitsuki pleaded with her once-best friend. She hadn't realized the extent of which their relationship had deteriorated, and now saw that she hardly recognized the terrorist floating above the white house.

"No! The problem is I've been doing too much thinking! Thinking that I should spare the lives of this inferior race instead of treating them as the insects they are, bugs at the mercy of the foot of a higher species!" she proclaimed, something that looked suspiciously like a Hitler-stash under her nose. Then the black butterfly decided to fly away, but was caught and crushed in Lily's had as a visual representation of what she had planned for all of the U.S.

"If you won't stop for our sake, then please stop for the sake of this country!" Mikey shouted upwards, somewhat out of the loop as to what was going on.

"I don't give a FUCK about this country!" Lily swore as loudly as possible, thereby using up the one f-bomb that all T-rated media is allowed. Any more, and the story would have to have an M rating.

"Okay, then if not for America, do it for us!" Guano turned Mikey's words backwards, "I don't wanna die!"

"Don't be stupid! I'm gonna lower a rope ladder down there. You can all climb up here before I drop this mother." she replied, jumping back into the cockpit of the chopper, which was curiously hovering in place like a humming bird. A humming bird carrying enough explosives to wipe out an entire continent. The rope ladder fell down a second before Mikey could finish this metaphor in his mind, which was fine with him because it wasn't working out that well.

"I wanna go on the ride first!" Gonard said, mistaking the military aircraft for a carnival attraction. A carnival attraction carrying enough- Mikey really needed to stop trying to think of metaphors. A hand on the blue-haired man's back stopped him in his tracks, and he turned to see Mitsuki with a stern look on her face. She was about to address the lunatic woman once again when the patriotic Toby Keith song began over a loudspeaker somewhere, heralding the return of America's most forgotten superhero.

"Wait! There's no reason to shoot this woman with your sniper! All she's done is acquire a massive explosive device from Al Quita, steal a United States army aircraft, threaten to burn us all to ash and…." Captain America's voice trailed off as he listened to what he was saying. "Hey, wait! That's actually really mean!"

"Taking the shot." Steve the sniper said from beside Guano, aiming up, his sights lined up with Lily's pretty little head filled with pretty little blood cells. Mikey had the quite presence of mind to swat the rifle's barrel upward so that the bullet missed it's intended target. Half a mile away, Yes-man continued to fly through the air on another of his Cannon-Air trips when his arm was nearly blasted off by a bullet that seemed to come out of nowhere.

"You can't shoot her!" Mikey said, though he himself was beginning to wonder if it would have to end that way.

"Actually, she's just holding a tazer. If she gets shot, that doesn't mean the bombs will go off." Gonard pointed out, not quite helpfully. Mitsuki had to karate-chop the back of the sniper to keep him from discharging another blast, but she didn't know how many other trained soldiers already were getting the same idea.

"Lily, if you're going to blow up America then you're going to have to kill me too, because I'm not leaving this spot!" Mitsuki announced, her eyes and voice resolute. The others looked at her in mild surprise, and then all slowly nodded their heads.

"Yeah, and me too!" Mikey added courageously, then turned to his beloved and spoke to her more softly. "I'd take twelve nuclear whales to tear me from your side."

"And me and Guano make twelve!" Gonard cemented his own resolution along with his friends. Then he noticed their director sneaking off the climb the rope ladder that was still tantalizingly dangling, and picked up the easily frightened midget and forced to stand his ground with the rest of them.

"So this is how it is. First Mikey turns you against me, Mitsuki, and now you get my other friends to betray me as well?!" she roared indignantly, furious and also hurting eyes staring daggers into her former companions and Mikey Simon. "Fine then! You can all burn in hell with the rest of America!"

The ex-actress than sat back down in the pilot's seat and began to raise the helicopter and the Whale O' Death several feet in the air. She didn't know how high she'd have to be for the explosion to miss her, or if she even really cared. Her hatred had driven her over the edge, and she looked over this metaphorical precipice and saw the people that she had once called a family, in what seemed like another lifetime.

Guano was crying that he didn't want to die a virgin, predictably, and Gonard was eating the last meal sandwich he'd carried with him ever since his 'what's so bad about running with scissors?' accident four years ago. But Mikey and Mitsuki almost appeared calm, though it might have only been Lily's elevation that made her think this. Just before distance, and tears, completely obscured her vision, she saw the almost unrecognizable faces of the two lovers meet in what could only be their farewell kiss.

All of America watched as the helicopter reached the apex of it's flight, high above the clouds where no camera could see. With baited breath, they waited for death to visit them. Then televisions sets around the country broadcasted the falling of a large dark object from the sky. People prayed to their respective gods, promised to be betters persons if they were given another chance, screamed that they didn't want to die, and wept bitterly for their children who could not understand what was happening, who would never grow up.

Then another object appeared to fly up into the air towards the plummeting shadow, in a desperate attempt at self-sacrifice. The two objects met in the air, with explosive results. Explosions filled the sky, waves of heat blasted over the people in the crowd, and a wave of confusion passed over like a blanket. Then a single man's voice, caught yelling to another person on a cell phone, was heard over the silence.

"Damn it, Joe! I told you not to set off those fireworks until _after_ Captain America made it down safely with that broad!" the angry Italian barked at the Secretary of Celebratory Fireworks, a position created during Bush's presidency.

All the world cheered as America's defender slowly made his descend back to terra firma, a bewildered Lily held in his arms. The military got off their asses long enough to clear a landing space for the captain, and he touched down lightly, depositing the suicidal actress back on the ground. While the army may have been off their duffs, that was still not enough to stop the rest of the LilyMu crew from breaking through the line and welcoming back their once and future member.

"I-I'm so, so sorry. I don't kn-know what I was, was, was…" Lily sobbed openly, and Mitsuki moved forward to catch and embrace her friend before she fell over. The crowd cheered loudly, knowing only that crisis had been averted. They wouldn't know the whole story until next morning, when Fox 4 news aired it's story on demonic termites that whispered evil thoughts in your ears and converted you into an Islamic suicide bomber.

"Damn it, I wasted a perfectly good last meal sandwich." Gonard pouted, more upset about this small detail than happy about his life being spared. Mikey and Guano lightly laughed at this small bit of ridiculousness, and then watched as the blond actress slowly stood up on her own two feet again and tried to regain her balance.

"I feel so tired." she said, rubbing her forehead as if to brush away all of the anger and hatred that had filled her head to bursting in the past few days. Her face was dirty from the exploding fireworks that had been a bit too close for comfort, and lines of tears ran down her face. "Can we go home now?"

"Sure." Mitsuki answered reassuringly. Then the five members of the LilyMu cast, reunited once again, began to walk off into the distance. And thus this story comes to a close…

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Authors Notes: No notes and no author's corner again; just stay tuned for the epilogue that's already posted, where I'll say my final thank-you's!

Long live America! Read and review the final chapter!


	15. Last Song

**Kappa Mikey**

Hit In the USA

"Last Song"

By Emerald

"Hold on one minute there, young lady!" a police officer shouted from behind them. Lily turned around in time to take a pair of handcuffs at the wrists, and was then in the custody of no less than twelve law enforcers.

"Oh, that's right. Actions have _consequences_." Lily slowly recalled the laws of cause and effect as she was hurriedly led off towards a maximum security prison vehicle that had last held Ronald McDonald when he'd attempted to drop an Atomic Big Mac on the Burger King's mansion.

"Don't worry Lily; now that the liberals have heard about you, there's no chance that you'll be put on death row again." Captain America did his best job of comforting the girl who's life he had saved. "You'll just have to spend ten or twenty years in a dirty, dank prison cell with convicted murders and rapists. I'm sure I'll be fine."

"Hey Captain? Don't you still have a prison sentence to carry out as well?" Guano asked, remembering that the superhero had also been in the cell with Lily when they crashed through the wall and the whole crazy mess started. A wave of fear passed over the Captains face, and he tried to fly off into the air again when another officer grabbed him by the foot and through him in the paddy wagon along with Lily.

"I'm sorry things turned out this way, Lily. But there will always be a place for you at LilyMu when you're done serving your sentence." Mitsuki told her friend. Lily smiled.

"Thank you, Mitsuki. And since I probably won't be out by then, be sure to send me some pictures of the wedding." Lily quipped playfully, referencing what she had seen pass between the actress and a certain Mikey Simon. That certain someone also got very nervous about commitment while the two girls shared a laugh.

Before anymore could be said, the armored vehicle unceremoniously began to leave, Lily's friends waving goodbye and Gonard shouting a warning about not dropping any soap. Then the rest of the gang were left behind, and the clock struck two o' clock.

"So, who's for getting out of this crazy country?" Mikey asked aloud. His friends raised their hands in unanimous agreement, and they walked off to find the nearest airport.

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"You're coming home early? Why? What has happened?" the elderly head of LilyMu studios asked Guano over the phone, apparently not having heard about the events taking place on the other side of the world.

"PLEASE DON'T ANGER OZU, I NEED HIM TO PAY MY MEDICAL BILLS!" Yes-man interjected, though how he was already back in Japan was anyone's guess. For years, Gonard had an idea that it involved ancient chicken voodoo magic, but it was shot down by the others every time.

"Well, there was this small little mishap involving Lily attempting to blow up America with a nuclear whale bomb…" Guano attempted to explain while simultaneously ignoring the fact that Gonard was kicking the airplane seat behind him repeatedly. The fact that he was seated next to an expectant mother who's contractions were coming faster every minute didn't help his concentration, either. "It was nothing that we, and by we I mean I, couldn't handle."

"What happened to Lily?" Ozu asked, sounding genuinely worried rather than angry like they'd all expected.

"WITH NO LILY, THE SHOW CAN ONLY BE CALLED 'MU'!" the creepy, shouty guy exclaimed, reminding Guano of something he had thought of himself. Nearby, there was a loud scream as a baby popped out between the legs of the woman next to him.

"Well, she's in a maximum security prison cell right now. But she'll follow us home in about twenty years, give or take a decade." the director pulled at the neck of his mask collar to let out some excess body head.

"Hmm, that is sad news. What about the whale?" this unexpected question caught Guano by surprise, and his told his boss that he honestly didn't know. "Alright, I understand. It isn't like I did not know there would be casualties on this mission when I sent you there. Just make it home safely, and we'll figure out what to do them."

"Alright, talk to ya later dad." Guano relied, and then hung up right as Yes-man started to say something about gangrene setting in. Bored, he looked out of his window seat and watch the slightly threatening clouds float by harmlessly. Then, to his amazement, he say Gamera the flying turtle floating through the air alongside Mr. Bubbles, who had now grown a giant pair of insect wings from so much radiation poisoning. Guano could almost imagine that he could hear the Jurassic Park theme song play as he watched the two majestic creature fly off into the sunset.

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_I never dreamed before_

The next day, back in Tokyo, the remaining cast members woke up bright and early to prepare for another day of shooting. Mikey and Mitsuki arrived on the studio set first, and shared a few tender moments until Gonard ran in screaming with a puffer fish stuck to his tongue.

"When they say it's dangerous to eat those things, they aren't kidding!" he said after Mikey had taken the Kappa Katana prop and smacked the spiky fish off of his tongue and onto the back of Yoshi's head. When Guano walked in as well, he only looked with mild interest as the camera man repeatedly bashed his head into the wall, only driving the spines further into his skull.

_I'm gonna knock the door_

"Things sure are weird around here without Lily. It's much quieter, for one." the director said as Yoshi screamed about his brain being poisoned by a hundred needles. Guano then handed out scripts that had been hastily re-written during the airplane trip to take out all of the missing actress's parts. The story made absolutely no sense now, and was about an invisible woman named 'Frank' being captured by Gonard and the LilyMu team coming to the rescue this damsel in distress.

"I know what you mean; we all miss her. Sure, she tried to kill us, but as adult human beings we can put those small matters behind us." Mikey understated the near apocalypse that had taken place the previous afternoon. Oddly enough, the other cast members agreed with him, and that just showed how insane they all were.

_Into the world apart, my friend_

"Knowing her, she's probably already working on an escape plan. Maybe even one involving a guitar." Mitsuki remarked bitter-sweetly, not knowing how close she was to the mark on that last point. Then there was another creak at the door, and the cast turned around expecting to see Ozu and Yes-man. Instead…

"Lily! You're back!" Mitsuki exclaimed happily, running up to and embracing her friend. Gonard choked on a goldfish at the sight of the supposedly incarcerate actress, and Mikey had to punch him on the back until he coughed up the 'baked, not fried' snack.

_The one and only!_

"You think I'd only _now_ be contemplating escape? C'mon, I think I deserve more credit than that." Lily replied with a devious grin as she broke the hug and looked at all her cast mates with open affection.

"How in the world did you get out of jail so quickly?" Guano asked wondrously as both Gonard and even Mikey shook hands with Lily, putting the past behind them. This time Ozu did walk in through the studio door, Yes-man in tow.

_You're gonna say I'm right_

"It's very simple. I simply bribed the American government a little. No biggie." the older man explained, an innocent smile spread across his face. "Lily's and the captain are aloud to stay out of jail, as long as they never go to the U.S. again."

"Wait, did you just say the Captain?" Gonard jumped on the name that he recognized from a comic book he'd seen at a store in Massachusetts. "Holy crap, you brought Captain Planet here?!"

_I'm gonna get the chance_

"No, I'm Captain America! Why doesn't anyone remember me anymore?" the Captain complained as he walked in and stood next to Lily. Something about this gesture made the cast thing something had gone on between the two of them during their short prison sentence together.

"HOORAY FOR PLOT TWISTS!" Yes-man jumped in the air throwing confetti, which Gonard accidentally swallowed and started choking again.

_I thought I'd turn so far from me_

"What are you gonna do in Japan, Captain?" Guano asked, thinking that LilyMu could always use a guest star to help with their slow fall season.

"I talked to my brother Captain Stupendous, and he said he'd gotten me a part on the 'Dum Dum' show as his faithful sidekick, 'Jackass the Clown'." Captain America replied with pride, already wearing his clown shoes to prepare for the difficult role.

_The one and only!_

"Wait a minute. I'm still a bit confused." Mikey interject, realizing he had a question of his own to ask Ozu. "How does one bribe an entire government into letting a convicted terrorist free?"

"Oh, there are ways, young Mikey. You just have to know the right people, and what they like." he replied cryptically, a strange glint in his wizened eyes.

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"OH mY gOd, I feEl SO GoOD!" president Obama shouted from his chair, high on ecstasy and rubbing his hands all over his body while the camera broadcasted his image to the entire country.

_I was made to hit in America!_

THE END

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_Authors Notes Finale: _Here it is: the conclusion to half a year's work on my part. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed reading all of the encourage reviews and listening to my friends laugh as I tested out the jokes on them at school. When I wrote "Snarkymen", is was mostly for the reason that I wanted to become the best Kappa Mikey fan fiction writer out there. This time, my goal was simpler, though the actual scope of the story was much larger. I wrote this story not for recognition, but to simply entertain the Kappa Mikey fans who felt jaded about the unofficial cancellation of the show, as well as anyone else that just enjoys a good random humor fanfic. Without tooting my own horn, I'd say I was able to accomplish this small goal.

I don't quite know what I'll do now that this project is done. I think I've taken Kappa Mikey fanfiction as far as I can take it, and it might be time for me to move on to a pet-project idea I've had for a long time. But who knows, if I get another good idea you might be able to read yet another Kappa Fanfiction from me to you. But in the immortal words of Hardline's third album, I'm "Leaving the End Open" to whatever thoughts and ideas come to mind. I hope you follow me along for the ride!

So enough about me, YOU are the people I wrote this for, so you deserve the credit for this story being written at all. It's time for a special edition of the readers corner, the Readers Hall of Fame! Also, don't forget to review the story as a whole now that it's done. You could yet make it onto this list.

_Readers Hall of Fame_: Okay, I'm gonna go right in order here, starting with those that favourited the story and then moving up the list by review date.

First off, there's probably the single most loyal reader I have, GeneralShadowWolfsbane! Not only was she my first reviewer, she added the story to her favourites list and reviewed just about every subsequent chapter! That took a lot of effort, and I five my heartfelt thanks you for that.

And how could we forgot God of Death Loves Apples? I don't think I'd be able to forget that name if I tried. Favorited the story, as well as remained a faithful reviewer all throughout.

Favoriting the story on the same day as GoDLP, Dragonlord Falcon! I'm more than proud to have written something that you call "one of the single most funniest things (you've) read".

Now it's the Kicking Squirelador, who found this story at the beginning of 2009 and has stuck with it ever since. You're humorous reviews have been among some of the funnest I've read.

I don't know much about Ari Loves Saturday other than that she favourited this story last month, but I wish her much luck in her Naruto fanfiction!

If you think I'd forgotten about the ever-anonymous Bkugn and Reio twins, you'd be dead wrong! Because I would kill you, just for not remembering their names. That's how much I treasure my reviewers!

Meowth's Toon Dragon was another early reviewer, who reviewed chapter 3. Be sure to check out his absolutly MASSIVE ammount of Poke'mon and Happy Tree Friends fanfictions.

Commandercat gave me a huge compliment when he/she said that my story was like an episode. That's what I strove for, even if some cruder South Park / Family Guy humor eventually made it in here.

A certain someone named laurexine flight scared me when she threaten to rise out of the murky depths and murder me if I did not finish this story. See, see! I finished it! Can you put the knife down, now?

Last, but certainly, certainly, CERTAINLY not least there is Kappa Mikey Fan! who joined the story late, but made up for it by actually worrying about my personal health. I guess I did drop off the net for a while, but that's only to be expected when someone is shot in the chest by a shotgun blast. I kid, I kid. It was just a .23 millimeter.

Are you ready for MORE ASS KISSING?! Yeah, you'd better be, because it's time to thank my guest stars.

XeonV, Donko the Great, Dosu, and Motor: this story would simply not be the same without you guys. Now that this story is finished, I can't wait to hear what all of you think of this. Please don't hurt me when you see how badly I portrayed you all. Glory to the Blackwing Army!

While he may seem like an insignificant side character in this story, Stewart 23 is another friend of mine, this time from the Sonic Stadium Message Board (SSMB). He's currently in the process of recording a "Sonic Underground" tribute album title "Underground Masquerade." *Extremely Loud Cough* I gave him the title. Anyways, go to his you tube page - www DOT youtube DOT com SLASH user SLASH stuarttwentythree- to see some funny stuff and listen to his first track, "Justice Calling."

I cannot thank you all enough. This was a terrifically fun project, even if I felt my feet dragging at times. I wish you all good luck in all your future endeavors, fanfiction and otherwise. And if you liked this story, refer it to your friends and family so that they may be given a small dose of happiness as well. Well, this is it. Good bye for now, and hopefully we'll all survive the zombie apocalypse so that we can pick up the pieces of this world together!

_Reviewer Hall of Fame fin_

**LONG LIVE AMERICA.**

Legal Junk: All character, unless original, are (c) The Animation Collective and Nikolodean. The song "Hit In the USA", quoted in the last chapter, and the songs that the chapter titles are taken from are (c) The Beat Crusaders. This story, it's events, and it's jokes are (c)2009 Emerald8 / Emerald the Hedge / Michael Gammell. Please do not post this story without my consent, or pass it off as your own. And stop reading this boring paragraph; are you trying to get a job as a lawyer, or something?


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